The Infidel Page #4

Yeah, all right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

A-a-a-and secondly,

I'm perhaps five years younger

than you.

Yes, you're right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Yes.

Is izzy shimshileewitz

in there?

Yes.

Can I go in, please?

Yeah, I-I-I'm afraid not.

No, you don't understand.

I'm his son...I think.

Do you have some sort

of syndrome?

No, no, no, no.

My real parents are jews.

I was adopted.

I've just found out my birth

name is shimshileewitz.

Really?

What, and you're definitely

isaac's son, are you?

Yes, yes.

Well, I mean, I must be.

Look, I'm sorry,

But as mr. Shimshileewitz's

rabbi,

I have to think

of his welfare first.

He's a really sick man now.

Well, then, you have

to let me in.

Look at you.

A muslim son?

He's an observant jew.

It would kill him

stone dead.

[ sighs ]

what do I do?

What do you know

about jews?

They've got big noses.

They like money.

Oh, they do.

Okay, so,

the answer is "nothing."

Look, what you need to do,

and quickly,

Is think about what it means

to be a jew.

And then...We'll think

about letting you in.

By the way,

when you thought I was your dad,

Like a shriveled old man,

Was it because of

the hairless thing,

Because that is genetic,

okay?

Right.

[ monitor beeping ]

[ door opens ]

Dodi, you've come back

from the dead.

Can I come in, please?

[ tea kettle whistling ]

[ whistling stops ]

[ "la bamba" plays ]

[ music stops ]

[ music resumes ]

[ music stops ]

Two sugars.

Thank you.

[ clears throat ]

Look...

I don't know your name.

Leonard --

leonard goldberg.

"lenny" to my very few friends.

Chaser?

No, I don't drink.

Right. Of course.

Me, I've recently developed

a taste for it.

Mm. So, uh...Jews.

Yeah?

Tell me about them.

[ laughs ]

okay.

Uh, well, let's see.

Where shall we start?

I know.

Let's start with me,

the archetype, the american jew,

As american as knish

and "seinfeld"

And slavish support

for israel.

You know,

like my fellow countrymen,

I didn't think

there were any other jews

In the whole f***ing world,

especially not britain --

Britain,

land of hope and pork.

A jew in britain --

I mean, that's just weird.

That's like an american driving

a hackney carriage,

[ british accent ] or a yank

with the knowledge.

What's the bloody world

coming to?

[ normal voice ]

but no.

In london alone, you've got

Your hampstead

liberal intellectual jew.

You've got your peter

secular accountant jew.

You've got your hendon

orthodox lawyer jew,

And scum of kosher scum,

your essex jews,

Of which heritage

my recently ex-wife,

Who, by the way, in case you

were wondering, is the reason

Why I came to this f***ing

country in the first place

And why I know so much

about its...Jews.

Knish?

A doughy, kosher,

deep-fried dumpling.

And then you've got

your israeli jews --

You know, jews without angst,

without guilt,

Who really are not jews

at all,

[ laughing ] and then, of

course, your jews for jesus.

What in the f***

is that all about?

[ telephone rings ]

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, adam.

No, no, no, I'm gonna --

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna pick --

Wh-wh-what? Why?

Oh, christ, why?

Adam, you -- you --

you know what?

F*** off,

you little sh*t.

Right. Well, I-I guess

I've got to get --

That was my --

my useless, flaky son.

Supposed to go to a bar mitzvah

with him on Saturday.

Now -- now I got

nobody to go with.

It's just I hate going

to those things alone, you know,

All those jews jewing it up

in public, you know?

[ clears throat ]

What, you? You?

Mm-hmm.

[ laughs ] go --

go to a bar mitzvah with you,

Osama bin liner,

ali bongo, captain muslim?

No, no, no. Come on.

I can -- I can blend in.

You know?

You call that a shrug?

It's a shrug.

That's not a shrug.

That's blending in.

Look,

you want to be a jew?

Palms up, shoulders,

then the sad doggy eyes.

[ moaning ]

[ folk music plays ]

hey

hey

hey

Oy.

Oy.

Hmm?

Oy.

Oy.

Oy.

Oy.

Oy.

Oy.

Oy.

Oy.

[ classical music pl ays ]

Doesn't it just make you

want to put

All your possessions

in a wooden cart

And pull them

sadly and slowly away

From your burning village?

[ folk music plays ]

hey

Oy!

Oy.

That's it.

Yes!

F***ing get in there!

Come on!

Great.

Now let's move on to "vey."

Saamiya:
Mahmud?

[ door opens ]

I need to call rashid.

He's --

Hey, how you doing?

Ah, you look smart.

Thanks.

I'm going out later.

Okay.

Yeah, it's a work to-do.

It's, uh, sharif's 60th.

Nice.

Hey, you look --

What?

Fatter? Bigger?

More rounded? Fat? Fat?

No, you look great.

I was gonna say you look great.

[ laughs ]

Anyway, I came to tell you that

rashid's going on this rally

That al-masri's

speaking at.

Oh, sh*t.

I promised him I'd go.

I've got to --

Mahmud, we haven't

even talked about how this --

This...Terrifying shithead

Is gonna become

part of our family.

Ah.

[ scoffs ]

Saamiya, look --

he comes around, okay?

We meet him,

he gives his blessing,

And just we sort it out

for rashid and uzma.

That's it.

And besides,

this arshad guy -- come on.

How meshugga can he be?

Sorry?

How many, you know,

Sugars short of a very sweet cup

of tea...Can he be?

You know, mahmud,

I never thought I would end up

with a guy

Who thinks he looks good

In a tottenham hotspur shirt

and a pair of chadees,

Who teaches our 4-year-old

daughter extremist language,

And rather than get up

from the tv, urinates in a cup.

That only happened

the once.

Mm --

my "world's best mum" cup

That rashid gave me

when he was 10.

I forgot to clean it.

But none of that matters,

Because the only thing

that matters

Between a husband and a wife

is honesty.

And you've always promised

to be honest to me.

And I've always believed

that promise.

Should I?

Of course.

Of course.

[ electronic pop music plays ]

I saw you walking

with your new love

your mind as black

as a loaded gun

so was it the truth when

you said it was true love?

I thought

that I was the chosen one

[ singing indistinctly ]

Hey.

Dad, you made it.

Yeah,

I wouldn't miss this.

What time

is al-masri on?

Well, there's a rumor

going around

That he's been banned by the

organizers at the last minute,

Which some people

aren't too happy about.

[ scoffs ]

well, I can see that.

It's hot, though,

isn't it?

Yeah.

Whew.

Dad, what is that

on your head?

I've brought this

for one reason

And one reason alone!

[ crowd chanting

"burn it" ]

[ shouting indistinctly ]

Ow! Ow!

Lenny:
Okay, last run-through

of things not to mention --

Hitler, "protocols

of the elders of zion,"

Hitler, the fact that you're

actually a muslim.

Oh, well, hey, well,

what about prayers?

There may be one or two,

but when in doubt, just do this.

[ mumbling ]

That's it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Have you memorized

some yiddish?

Yeah, but just a few.

Just sprinkle in a few words

during the conversation --

You know, "schlep,"

"kvetch," "traipse."

"traipse"? That's an english

word, isn't it?

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