The Infidel Page #5

It is?

It sounds yiddish.

Ah, hello!

It's so nice to meet you.

How are you?

Monty.

Monty, how are you?

Man:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the lister boys,

Sammy and louie.

[ cheers and applause ]

Mazel tov!

[ applause ]

Okay, what kind of jew

is that?

A smelly one?

Hippy jew.

Bohemian parents.

Now a buddhist.

A buddhist jew?

How does that work?

Believes you should renounce

all material possessions

But still keep

the receipts.

Oof!

Look at that.

I'd like to offer her

some serious kosher sausage.

What kind of jew is that?

That is my ex-wife.

I'm sorry.

With her wanking boyfriend,

maurice gross.

Maurice gross?

Psychic investigator

from high barnet.

Julie.

Oh.

Denise.

Oh, lenny.

I'm so sorry to hear

about you and diane.

Yeah.

And now she's

with maurice gross.

[ laughs ]

who'd have guessed?

I suppose

he would.

Well, being

a psychic investigator.

It's a wisecrack.

Oh.

I thought you people --

we're well known

For wisecracking,

us people.

Ladies, this is

my cousin solomon --

Solomon shimshileewitz.

Please, just call me "solly."

How do you do?

How do you do?

Hello.

Lovely event,

don't you think, solly?

Yes, it's very,

uh...Very geschmack.

I-I-it, uh -- actually,

it's very traipse, I'd say.

It's very jewish.

Mm, you're right.

It is very jewish.

Oh, now, solly, I'm sure

that lenny must have told you

That denise and I

are now co-chair...

Co-chair.

...Of the north london ladies

eretz yisrael guild.

Eretz?

Yisrael.

I know it.

So, we were wondering --

So, we wondered if you might

sign our latest petition.

I'd be delighted.

"we, the undersigned,

Believe that the state

of israel --"

"israel is unfairly demonized

by bbc, itv, channel 4,

And all other forms

of the u.K. News media --"

"despite being

a shining --"

"a shining example

of democracy and fairness,

Which simply wants

to live in --"

"in peace."

"in peace

with its neighbors."

Oh, thanks,

lenny.

If you wouldn't mind.

[ laughs ]

J-j-just here, is it?

Just there, please.

Thank you.

I have a twitch!

Aah!

Ow, ow! That --

That really hurt!

Are you all right?

Man:
Ladies and gentlemen,

before we eat,

Rabbi finestein

will say grace.

[ singing in hebrew ]

[ mumbling ]

[ clears throat ]

[ rapping in hebrew ]

[ indistinct conversation ]

Be happy to do it.

Sorry to interrupt.

Yeah.

I think we should go.

This is just too jewish for me.

Ladies and gentlemen --

[ chuckles ]

that's nice.

Today our blessed

bar mitzvah twins,

Sammy and louie,

become men.

[ applause ]

Yeah, yeah, it's -- it's good

to be a jewish man now.

Please don't come crying to me

in 30 years' time

When your prostate blows up

like an air bag

And your wife runs off

With a psychic investigator

from high barnet.

[ audience murmurs ]

What?

Speech.

Sorry, monty.

Anyway, boys,

seeing as your father here

Is to public speaking as...

Stephen hawking is

to windsurfing,

He has asked schmuggins here

to take on the bar mitzvah task

Of telling a classic

jewish funny story.

Sadly, though, I've become

A bit tired and emotional

this evening.

So, I --

and also very drunk.

So I've decided

to pass the baton,

To -- to -- to give the task

to my good friend

And classic

jewish storyteller.

Ladies and gentlemen,

solly shimshileewitz.

[ applause ]

Uh...Hello.

Dear lord.

How about the story

about rabbi akiba

And fischel, the --

the village idiot?

Yeah. How about that?

That's a good idea.

That's, uh...

So...

[ clears throat ]

...There was a tale of,

uh, rabbi...

Akiba.

...Akiba,

who lived in...Hotep.

And he always observed

his fedeyezyez flahot.

Uh...

Then, in the syn--

no, no, I know this one.

The -- the --

the shul.

Shul.

That's it, the shul.

Shul.

The shul.

In the shul came fischel,

the village idiot.

Well, what an idiot he was.

And he went up to the rabbi,

and he said,

"rabbi, rabbi!

My foreskin

has grown back."

Um, he did.

He said that.

No, he didn't.

He did, and the rabbi looked

at him and said, "you what?"

And fischel said,

"it's true.

What do I do?"

about his foreskin.

And...

It was that point --

Can you help me

with this one, please?

Yes, yes.

Finish it off.

Rabbi akiba says,

"moses said that when --

when --

"when the light

of the world is shining,

We must turn our faces

to the sky."

That's it, yeah.

"and as joshua said when

the light of the world is dim,

We must turn our faces

to the ground."

To the ground.

"but I say --"

rabbi akiba says...

Yeah, what did he say?

Well, rabbi akiba says...

Uh, rabbi akiba

looked at fischel.

And he says...

[ speaking yiddish ]

[ laughing ]

[ laughter ]

What was that?

Don't ask me.

[ up-tempo music plays ]

[ man singing in hebrew ]

[ brakes squeal ]

Jesus.

See?

Soon as I'm in a cab...

Sober as a church.

That was good tonight.

Didn't expect it.

Thanks, lenny.

Hey, mahmud.

This jew thing -- what --

what's so important?

Izzy shimshileewitz.

What, he's still alive?

Yeah, well, I think so.

I don't know.

I-I can't be sure.

They won't let me see him.

What do you mean?

Who? They who?

The rabbi.

The rabbi at the care home.

He said I've got to get

a bit more jewy.

Did he?

Yeah.

When are you

gonna see him next?

Soon as possible.

Tomorrow.

You know what? I'm gonna take

you. I'm gonna go with you.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm not gonna let

your big family emotional moment

Get held back

by some a**hole fruma.

I think --

you know, that's good.

That's really good

if you come.

I'm gonna go.

But you will be tactful,

though, will you?

Yeah.

Because, you know,

this is a big thing for me.

My dad -- you know,

my adopted one --

When he died...

It really cut me up.

You know, and now I've got

this other dad here,

And it's just too much.

Look, finding out you're jewish

doesn't mean

That suddenly every moment's

a therapeutic opportunity.

Salaam alaykum, mahmud.

Alaykum a salaam,

lenny.

Hey.

Hey.

Good night, rash.

Good night.

Uh, dad...

That was a bit weird today,

Wasn't it,

with the rally?

Weird, yeah.

Yeah, it was.

I was just --

I was just trying, you know,

To show support for them,

the big stepfather guy.

Yeah, but I think,

when he comes to see us,

You could, uh...

Turn it down a touch, maybe.

Just a touch.

[ laughter ]

Okay. All right.

Relax.

Good night.

Good night.

Saamiya:

I spoke to sharif tonight.

He isn't 60 until June.

Saamiya.

Do you remember

when we got married?

And you promised to love me

and honor me

With faith and obedience

and gentleness?

Yes, of course.

Who is it?! Huh?!

Ow!

That hurts!

Is it someone from work?!

Work? What are you

talking about? They're all men.

That pram-faced tart

from tesco's.

Blimey,

you noticed that?

But I-I was

just looking.

Hmm.

Anyway, you know,

By the qur'an, I could have

four wives anyway.

Oh, that's why you've been

running to the mosque

All of this time,

is it, huh?!

Ow! Stop it!

You know, I knew I should have

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