The Infidel Page #6

never married a shia.

That hurts. Stop.

Will you stop?

Will you calm down?

Calm down?

I want to tell you

something.

Oh. No, it's not --

What?

You're not --

Mahmud, I spoke to the imam

because I was worried about you,

And he told me that you told him

this thing about yourself,

And I just laughed

because you can't be, can you?

Hey.

Oh, no.

I've seen this

on the internet -- men like you.

They're called bears --

big, fat, hairy men.

No, no, no,

I'm not gay, all right?

I'm not gay.

I've got the wrong end

of the stick.

Listen to me.

The truth is...

The truth is...

Mm?

...I'm...

Frightened...

Frightened?

...Of meeting

arshad al-masri.

At least,

I was frightened...

Till I started going to these

religious education classes.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, night classes

at the, uh, mosque.

Yeah.

[ chuckles ]

[ mumbling ]

Mahmud,

that's so sweet!

You're not ashamed

of me, then?

Ashamed?

I'm proud of you.

Wow.

Hey.

Come here...And show me

how ungay you really are,

You big,

heterosexual bear!

[ sighs ]

[ door opens ]

Ah. Hello.

How is he?

Stable, but no better.

That's why I'm here 24/7

at the moment.

[ scoffs ]

Sorry.

Just thought you said 24/7.

That's kind of weird

for a rabbi to say.

Rabbi, so, this is my friend

leonard goldberg.

He's been helping,

so, yeah.

I seem to remember us

setting a little test.

Yeah, he did. Lenny's been

helping me out with it.

Has he?

Yeah.

Been doing my teacher thing,

you know,

For my yid-muslo, uh,

homey.

Say your shema.

I'm sorry.

Beg your pardon?

The shema --

the lord's prayer.

Oh, don't tell me

he hasn't taught --

Uh, well,

name the five books of moses.

Yeah, I can do this.

[ clears throat ]

Genesis --

Uh, in hebrew.

In hebrew?

Gen-hesis.

What's hebrew

for "phil collins"?

Ex-hodus.

Okay.

I've had

quite enough.

No, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

No, listen, listen, rabbi.

My friend has drunk

my chicken soup.

He's danced like a cossack

in my living room.

He told a funny story

at a bar mitzvah.

And by the way,

he got a big laugh.

I'm a jew, and my friend here

is jewish enough for me.

Come back when you've found

a better teacher.

Where am I gonna find

one of those, huh -- craigslist?

Look, rabbi, I haven't even told

my wife and family about this.

Well, perhaps that's

where you should start.

Now, if you don't mind,

I've got a dying man's soul

to care for.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Listen, you sanctimonious

rabbinical cue ball.

[ indistinct shouting ]

Stop it!

You're disturbing the residents.

You're frightening them.

Hi.

"hi"?

Sorry.

I'm a bow-legged chicken,

I'm a knock-kneed hen

never been so happy

since I don't know when

You don't want to listen

To what that oversized toddler

punk rabbi says.

I mean, I'm a little bit racist

towards muslims,

But this a**hole?

If you have just an ounce

of allah left inside you,

He will never let you

anywhere near your dad.

I -- I should --

I should tell people.

I -- I should tell everyone

I was born a jew.

That would be a very unjewish

thing to do.

You know, we don't like to call

attention to ourselves.

We're proud,

but we're proud quietly.

And --

and what about israelis?

No, no, I told you --

they're not really jews.

Yeah, yeah,

they're not exactly quiet

About themselves,

are they, what,

With all the warmongering and

the colonial rampaging and --

Oh, oh -- "if you --

if you throw a pebble at us,

We'll raze your hospitals

to the ground" foreign policy.

Unlike the very quiet way in

which your palestinian cousins

Strap bombs to themselves

and blow up school buses?

Yeah, yeah, you know --

you know full well

That there are

loads more palestinians

Killed by the israeli army

than the other way around.

[ brakes squealing ]

What exactly is your problem,

fat boy?

Who are you to tell me

about jews?

No, don't look --

if you'd been a better teacher,

I would have been at my father's

deathbed right now!

What exactly

are you saying then, huh?

That it's my fault?

Yes!

Ah!

You self-hating mentalist!

Get out of my cab.

You what?

You heard me!

Get out of my cab!

Americans

shouldn't bloody

Be driving a black cab,

anyway!

A**hole.

I'm gonna tell my family.

I am.

You know what?

I don't give a f*** what you do.

[ scoffs ]

anti-semite.

Islamophobe.

Suck my fat one!

get ready to start

flap your elbows

just for luck

then you wiggle and you waddle

like a baby duck

come and dance with me,

honey

tap your toes and glide

and we'll always be together

side by side

we'll walk with a wiggle

and a giggle and a squawk

doing the tennessee wig walk

Rashid, saamiya,

could you come down, please?

There's something

I've got to tell you.

Daddy, the funny men have come

to see if we're muslim enough.

Mahmud. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Come and meet our guests.

This is mr. Al-masri.

Please call me arshad.

Yes, yes, yes, uh...

Salaam alaykum, arshad.

Mahmud.

Alaykum a salaam.

Please, my friends.

Hey.

This is tariq.

Hey.

And this is hazeem.

Hey, hey.

It's very, uh --

Whoa.

Um, welcome.

Welcome, everyone.

You are very welcome.

You are very welcome to my home.

So, uh...What did you

have to tell us, mahmud?

What?

You came in saying that you have

something to tell us.

Yeah, I -- I was just gonna

tell everyone that I'm, uh --

I'm, uh...

bow-legged chicken,

I'm a knock-kneed hen

never been so happy

since I don't know when

walk with a wiggle

and a squiggle and a squawk

ba-gawk

doing the tennessee wig walk

It was just something in my head

on my way here,

And I thought nabi

would like it.

I do!

Is it the theme song of the

worldwide islamic caliphate?

Very good.

[ chuckles ]

So, let us sit.

Friends and family need

not stand on ceremony.

[ clears throat ]

[ clears throat ]

Uzma, where's your mum?

Oh, she's just in the...

Salaam alaykum, kashmina.

Mahmud.

So, let us talk

about rashid.

Yes. He's, uh...

He's a good boy, I think.

Though, um...

[ clears throat ]

As the holy qur'an says...

Says...

Children are

our only trial.

Not quite.

Your wealth and your children

are only a trial.

With allah --

with him is a great reward.

At-taghabun ayah 15.

Of course, right?

Yeah.

Come, now.

I do not expect everyone to know

every hadith by heart.

No. I don't even know

"humpty dumpty" by heart.

All I need to be

happy and content

Is to know

that I'm among muslims.

Oh. Of course.

Of course.

And on that note,

because, of course, we are here

In the hope of sealing

a happy event

Which may join

our two families forever,

You will forgive me the need

of some inquiry.

Brother arshad

can trace his lineage

Back to ibrahim ibn walid

ibn abdallah,

Imam of medina

of the 8th century.

I have to be careful

in my position.

You will have seen

the television cameras outside.

They have been chasing me

since my arrival

Here in brighton.

I must be on guard to preserve

The dignity

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