The Interview Page #2

I don't think I'll ever be ready, but....

Oh, wig's coming off.

Oh, Jesus f***.

Why does he keep the long pieces?

His head looks like somebody's taint.

- You barely look different.

- Thanks, man.

You said you were bald.

I see a little stuff on top.

- So freeing!

- Rob.

Is there anything that you would like

to say to America?

Good evening. I'm Phillip Sterling

with a UBS News special report.

Kim Jong-uns military forces...

...targeted an uninhabited

South Pacino island...

...with a 15-megaton

thermonuclear ICBM.

We're not live anymore.

- They cut our feed,

- Off the air?!

Goddamn it!

Rob, put your f***ing wig on.

They f***ed us. Goddamn it!

What's going on?

Dude, seriously, what is up with you?

Know how I'm good

at picking up energies?

You're shooting off a slightly cunty vibe

right now. What's going on?

We have millions of viewers every night

and what do we do?

We just shovel sh*t into their faces.

We could be doing something positive.

We could be having on authors,

activists, politicians.

That's what people want.

"Give us some sh*t. Mangia.

We're the people, give us the sh*t.

Mangfa, mangia. "

I wanted to cover actual news...

...not Nicki Minaj's vagina

flopping out at the Grammys.

- You don't like brown sugar?

- Nothing to do with that.

I can't keep doing this, okay?

We have to change!

Fine.

- Are you serious right now?

- Yeah.

- Do you promise you'll do this?

- If you promise you'll never leave.

- If you promise, I promise.

- Same time.

- One, two, three. Promise.

- Promise.

- Okay.

- Okay. That's all we had to say.

- Don't put me through that,

- Fine. Okay.

I hate it when we fight.

No, this is not a joke, okay?

- I think you're being condescending.

- Look, look, look.

One sec.

Shut up, I'm on the phone, okay?

Dude. The f***, man'?!

That was John Kerry's office.

Forget that oak tree-looking f***.

This tops it.

The Times printed it about North Korea.

Read the bottom.

After all the death-camp sh*t.

"Although Kim Jong-un

rallies his people...

...with cries for the destruction

of the United States of America...

...he is known to be an avid consumer

of American entertainment.

His favorite shows

are The Big Bang Theory..."

Arld...?

"...and Skylark Tonight."

This is great!

This is what you were talking about!

I interview this guy.

Are you joking? He's the most

reclusive leader on the planet.

He lives in North Korea.

We carft go there.

Dave Skylark."

...gets in anywhere.

Do you remember that club?

Three-month waiting list. First night.

I don't think

it's quite the same thing.

- There were a lot of Asian girls there.

- it's impossible, Dave.

Here's what we'll do.

We're gonna do that interview.

Everyone is gonna take you

super-duper seriously.

- And then you're never gonna leave me.

- North Korea's in the Olympics, right?

I bet they have an office to communicate

with the Olympic Committee...

...so there's probably some infrastructure

for communicating through that.

- Those wheels are turning.

- If I leave a message for that office...

...then maybe, if they're a fan,

that can actually work.

We could interview

the most famous man on the planet.

Guys, some pictures just came out...

...where it looks like

McConaughey's f***ing a goat.

- McConaughey goat f***?

- McConaughey goat f***.

We obviously have to have him on

to do that.

So put that together.

But we're doing this North Korea thing.

- First thing tomorrow.

- Book him!

- Get him! Get the goat!

- On him.

Get the goat!

I got some questions for that goat.

This is Aaron Rapapon

from Skylark Tonight.

We heard your Supreme Leader

is a fan of our show...

...and wed love to have him on.

Please get back to me.

I'm about to head into a meeting,

but H! be around in the momfng.

Hope to hear from you.

Yeah.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Where to?

- Mercer and Spring, please.

Hello?

Hello? Who this?

- I am trying to reach Aaron Rapaport.

- You got Aaron Rapaport. Who this is?

You left word with our ofiice

regarding an interview.

Look, Dave, is this you?

Because if it is,

you're doing a terrible Asian accent.

Me so sorry. Me gots to go now, son

lam from the Ofl7C6

of Sook-yin Park...

...Secretary of Communications for the

Democratic Peop/els Republic of Korea.

Oh, my God.

Sh*t. Me so sorry.

I mean, I'm so sorry.

I mean, I'm so sorr-

I'm so- I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

We would like to discuss a meeting...

...between the Supreme Leader

and Dave Skylark.

Security concerns dictate

the matter be discussed in person.

Okay, great. Where do you do that?

We will meet at latitude 40.1326.

Longitude 123.9889

I'm not totally familiar

with my Iongitudes and latitudes.

Where is that again?

Fifty kilometers west of Dandong,

nonheastern China.

Did you just say "China"?

And did you just say "dong"?

I'm going to motherfucking China, y'all.

Excuse me. Can I get in there?

Thank you.

Hi there.

No, thank you. I'll just get it

through secondhand smoke.

Selfie.

Where the f*** are they?

What the f***...?

No, no!

I'm not-! No!

I'm an American journalist.

Aaron Rapaport.

I was invited here.

Please don't kill me!

I come in peace!

I'm here for interview.

Please don't kill me!

Mr. Rapaport, I am Sook-yin Park,

The Supreme Leader

will grant an interview...

...to Mr. Skylark

from inside North Korea.

All questions will be supplied

by the Supreme Leader.

Terms are nonnegotiable.

You have 24 hours to decide.

- That's it?!

- Yes.

Why didn't you tell me over the phone?

Or Skype? Do you guys have Skype?

Okay, well...'

Look, could you give me some water?

That guy has water!

Please give me a ride somewhere.

I didn't pack well for this trip.

I packed like a fool!

Like a goddamn fool!

Please! Please!

Damn, she was sexy.

The f***ing helicopter landed.

I'm in the middle of nowhere.

Two soldiers jump out.

I think I'm gonna get killed!

Then, out comes Sook.

I told you about her.

She comes out. She's hot.

- How hot?

- Super sexy.

- Get in there?

- Yeah, I f***ed her.

- My f***ing man!

- No, I didn't do that, dude. No!

She said we can't ask

our own questions.

They were gonna write the questions.

We can't do it.

We're essentially letting him

interview himself with your mouth.

Look. Look at this buttfuck!

He's got a whole parade of nukes.

He's ready to use them.

When you score a bin Laden...

...or a Hitler...

...or an Un...

...you take it by the balls!

t's the first rule of journalism.

Give the people what they want.

That's not the first rule.

That's the first rule of circuses

and demolition derbies.

This is the biggest interview

since Frosty/Nixon.

- "Frosty/Nixon"?

- In 10 years...

...Ron Howards gonna make a movie

out of this.

We do this, we can interview

any president on the planet.

And then you can ask them

the real questions.

This is like eating our vegetables.

Once you eat those,

then you get to eat the steak.

And we know Aaron wants his steak.

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