The Interview Page #3

This is like The Lord of the Rings.

Okay?

I'm actually like...

...Frodo Baggins.

And you are my Sam.

My Samwise.

- I can't do it without you.

- Okay.

Come with me to Mordor.

- Okay. Let's f***ing do it. Yeah.

- Yeah?

As always, I 'd like to thank my guest:

Joe Gordon-Levitt!

And before we go,

I have a very special announcement.

With the he-Ip of my outstanding

producer, Aaron Rapaport...

...I have secured the most important

inten/iew of the 21st century.

Three weeks from tonight...

...I will be traveling to Pyongyang,

North Korea...

...to conduct the llrsl

globally broadcast interview...

...with President Kim Jong-un.

I am deeply humbled

and profoundly honored...

...to accept this most awesome

responsibility.

Apparently Dave Skylark will be

interviewing the dictator of North Korea.

Hundred bucks, Skylark thinks

heis the guy from "Gangnam Style. "

- obscene glorification

of a brutal dictaton

This is a man who tortures, terrorizes

and stan/es his own people.

- Sky/ark is beneath despicable.

- F*** this.

Meow.

What a f***ing b*tch, am I right?

No, you're not right. He's not being

a b*tch. He's completely right.

He's motherfucking peanut butter

and jealous!

He's not jealous.

- He's pulling K-Y jealous all over his dick.

- What is there to be jealous of?!

F***ers hate us

because they ain't us.

They hate us because we anus?

What does anus have to do with this?

They hate us because they ain't us.

That's not what it is.

- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not.

They hate us because we is us,

and what we is doing is f***ing terrible.

- They hate us because they ain't us.

- Stop saying that.

- Hate us because they ain't us,

- They don't!

Hate us because they ain't us

I'm used to it.

- They hate us because they ain't us.

- Stop it. Stop it. Don't say it again!

Baby.

Haters gonna hate.

And airfters gonna ain't.

That is not an actual thing

that people say.

This is what you do to haters.

You just smile.

What is that?

The strongest ecstasy

I've ever done in my life

Oh, what the f***.

Okay.

Okay, I'm coming

Oh, sh*t

Oh, God.

Mr. Rapaport.

I'm Agent Lacey with Central Intelligence.

And this is my partner, Agent Bolwin.

Yo, Aaron, whoever that is,

tell them to f*** off.

Dave, it's not-

Yo, I don't know who I f***ed last night...

...but I got some stink dick.

Yo, my dick stinks!

So weird how you, like...

...just wanna keep smelling it, though.

Yo, you gotta come over

and smell this sh*t!

Come smell this. You gotta identify this.

I don't know what it is.

Excuse him.

He has stink dick.

It kind of Smells like guaoamole.

May we come in?

Would you like a drink...

...or some of Aarorfs cocaine?

- This is not our coke. This is our-

- No, I'm sure it's not.

So how can we-?

What can we do you for?

- To what do we owe the pleasure?

- Well, Aaron, Dave...

...as I'm sure you know already...

...Kim Jong-un is now capable

of nuking all of the West Coast.

The point is, we're talking about

nuclear nations at war with each other.

Nuclear.

He does have one tactical advantage

over the West.

He's more than willing to let millions

and millions of his own people die.

Explosions. All over my face.

I'm sorry.

We had kind of a long night.

Why are you telling us

all this information?

We're telling you this

because you two lucky gentlemen...

...are going to be in a room alone

with him.

- And congratulations, by the way.

- That's right!

Which is why we're here.

The CIA would love it...

...if you two could...

...take him out.

- Take him out.

- Take him out?

- Like, for drinks?

- No, no, no.

- Take him out.

- Take out.

- Like, to dinner?

- Out to a meal?

Take him out.

- Like, on the town?

- Party?

No....

Take him out.

You want us to assassinate...

...the leader of North Korea?

- Yes.

- What?

Won't they just get another chubby dude

with a goofy hairdo...

- ...to come in and replace him?

- Exactly. Exactly.

We're aware of a faction in the existing

leadership that already wants him gone.

They're too scared to act alone.

And they need you two to go in there,

remove Kim...

...embolden them to revolt...

...and take over.

Are you, Agent Lacey,

going to be involved?

I am going to be in your ear...

...by your side, every step of the way.

Then I have one answer.

No more Kim.

You know what?

I think we should talk about it more.

- All right, we're just gonna go talk.

- By all means.

Just for the record,

I don't have stank dick.

Come over here, come here,

come in here.

Dude. I think we need to do this.

- She is so cool.

- You don't see what's happening.

- And it's so obvious, it's crazy, man

- What?

- They're honeypotting us.

- What?

t's an attractive spy woman

who lures men into doing sh*t.

How can you not see that?

- Because that is so sexist.

- Is it?

This is 2014. Women are smart now.

You think she just so happens

to have everything you find attractive?

Bangs, giant tits, glasses?

- They're fake, man.

- Fake glasses?

- How could the CIA come up with that?

- That poor girl is blind as a bat.

I'm just saying that when we're on molly

and when we're horned up, might not-

- "Horned up"? Oh, please.

- You are horned up.

You have half a f***ing chub right now!

- Take your hands away. I saw the boner.

- I'm not doing it.

Move your f***ing hands.

- Fine! You wanna see it?

- Yeah.

Feast your eyes.

I'm gonna go poop out these drugs.

You're gonna go jerk off these thoughts.

If we both still wanna talk about this

aftenivards, we can. But not until then.

Dave Skylark never backs down

from a jerk-off.

In three days...

...you will fly from New York to Beijing...

...where you will transfer

to a commercial airline...

...that takes you directly

to Pyongyang.

I'm sorry,

this is completely unrelated, but...

...what happened to your glasses?

- I got LASIK.

- Between the time I saw you and now?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Now, our intelligence suggests

that you will be taken here...

...to Kim Jong-un's personal compound.

So preceding the interview...

...you are going to shake Kim's hand...

...administering a fatal dose of poison...

...with this:
a transdermal,

time-delayed ricin strip.

When you shake his hand...

...the poison will be absorbed

into his skin...

...where it metabolizes

for a 12-hour period.

Nobody will have any idea

you two were involved.

No one will know?

The United States must maintain total

and complete deniability.

- Total deniability?

- Obviously.

What did you picture?

I walk in there like a f***ing gangster...

...and blow his little f***ing ass away

on television.

This is a major television event.

You don't wanna blow it

with an off-screen death

Okay? Look, in porno,

we call this the money shot.

You don't have a bunch

of dudes going at it.

Then, right before they finish,

you cut to black and say:

"Oh, don't worry, 12 hours later,

they came all over each other."

No! You want them all over, close-up.

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