The Interview Page #4

All over his face.

The end!

- Bam!

- What kind of porn are you watching?

What happens

when his guards start firing at you...

...for killing their leader in front of them?

- Good question.

- My bulletproof vest-

No, you don't have a bulletproof vest

- You don't have one.

- I will dodge those bullets.

What happens

after you escape the compound?

I look back over my shoulder,

I see Aaron.

I grab him by the hand.

We run out into the woods.

Perhaps there's a secret tunnel there

We exit said tunnel.

At a designated spot."

...SEAL Team 6 swoops in...

...puts us on one

of those inflatable motorboats.

We hit the water.

We're out of there, on our way to you

If you tried to do this,

what would kill you first?

- Subfreezing temperatures

- I don't like the cold.

- Okay, we wear-

- Starvation. Starve to death.

You're telling me the CIA doesn't have

North Face jackets and Pirate Booty?

Cap'n Crunch?

- What about Siberian tigers?

- What?

You're not going to shoot him.

Not going to be a bulletproof vest.

And nobody is going to know

that you had anything to do with this.

That's it. That's the plan

- Period.

- Okay.

Two years later, I come out

with my best-selling tell-all:

An Unexpected Journey:

Dave Skylark's Adventures

in North Korea.

You can't write a tell-all.

We were in an oddly shaped gray room

at the CIA Headquarters.

- The titillating Agent Lacey-

- Stop doing that.

- Why?

- There's no tell-all.

"There's no tell-all," Agent Lacey said

She looked at him.

She trembled with rage.

- Or was it passion?

- Stop it.

I just want everybody to know

that I know what you did to me.

- What?

- With the glasses. Honeycombed me.

- What does that mean?

- You honeypotted him.

- it's "honeypot"

- You honeypotted me.

- You honeypotted him.

- No, I didn't.

He said a lot of stupid sh*t in the last

10 minutes, but you did honeypot him.

I bet you got him in here as a honeydick,

in case I'm gay. But I'm not.

But if I was, I would've seen him

coming a mile away.

- You honeydicking?

- Look.

She's not honeypotting you.

I'm not honeydicking him.

t's very offensive.

If you think about it...

...you're saying because I'm a girt

and because I'm attractive...

...my only use for this agency

would be to manipulate men.

I think it's offensive too.

That's what I said to Aaron.

I said, "That b*tch is blind as a bat."

Could we please move on?

We have a dictator to kill.

When handling the ricin strip,

operate with extreme caution.

Even momentary flesh contact

with the exposed strip is fatal.

The poison will lay dormant for 12 hours.

After it passes the blood-brain barrier,

your heart rate would shoot up to 160.

Your body will strain to reject the poison

by sweating, defecating, vomiting.

Within minutes, you will be dead.

Got it?

Aaron peels off the Elm marked '34

...exposing the adhesive coating.

- He applies the strip to Dave's palm.

- Okay.

Aaron will then remove the r7lm

marked 'B " exposing the ricin.

- Clear. Okay.

- Okay, clear. Okay.

Dave needs to appear casual

as he is transferred from his room...

...to the broadcast facility.

It is critical that he keeps

his hand open and touches...

...nothing.

Dave Skylark.

Mr. Kim, just shaking hands.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Dave will bow to Kim,

then shake his hand...

...immediately disposing of the strip

in his jacket pocket, which will be lined...

...with an absorbing agent

that denatures the poison.

Oh, no.

Aaron! Aaron!

- Agent Lacey! What's this mean?!

- You're dead.

All right, Mr. Skylark, so you'll place

the ricin case in this pouch.

It will magnetically seal.

And then, you're good to go.

So you want me to carry this bag?

This is the bag.

This is a douche bag.

The watches conceal an array

of tactical functions.

t's how you stay in contact with me

in the command center.

Aaron to Dave.

Radio communication

is done using call signs.

- Cool.

- Dave, you are Dung Beetle

- And, Aaron, you are Aardvark.

- What?

- I can't carry this thing!

- What do you mean?

Aerodynamics are all off.

it's hitting my leg. It's, like, bulky.

Remember, gentlemen:

You are entering into the most dangerous

and unpredictable country on earth.

Kim Jong-un is a master manipulator.

His people revere him as a god.

They'll believe anything he tells them,

including that he can speak to dolphins...

...or he doesn't urinate and defecate.

My man doesn't pee or poo?

He does. He lies to his people

and they believe him.

Everybody pees and poos.

Where would it go? He'd explode.

But he does talk to dolphins.

All right, how do I look?

F***ing awesome?

Yeah, actually, this is really, really nice-

- What the f*** is this?

- it's my bag.

Wonderful. That's not the bag

the CIA gave you.

- Oh, that bag?

- Yes, that bag,

That bag was fugly with a capital "fug"!

It was designed to conceal poison

that we're gonna smuggle in.

Kim is a superfan.

He knows I take fashion risks.

I show up with that other bag,

Kim's gonna be like:

"Aw, no. You got ugly bag?

You no Skylark. You secret agent.

Terminate him."

- Where's the f***ing poison strip?!

- I put the strip in a pack of gum.

- They'll never ind it.

- I am not cool with this.

- it's showtime.

- "Showtime"? it's not Showtime.

- Dave Skylark Tonight!

- What are you doing? Stop walking.

- Hello!

- Stop walking.

We are going to North Korea.

Skylark, which side

of President Kim's ass you gonna kiss?

Not gonna kiss him,

but Ietle just say...

...I might give him something special

with my hand.

You gonna jerk him off?

- What? No, thatie a double entendre!

- Shut the f*** up!

- I'm foreshadowing!

- Just shut up! Get in the f***ing car!

Shut up! Shut up!

Why would you say that?

Why would you say that?

All right. Here we go.

What's that noise?

- I don't know. Yeah.

- Do you hear that?

This is crazy.

Hello, North Korea!

Crazy.

- Okay, okay.

- North side!

Okay, hi. Sorry about what he's doing.

Hello.

I like your style.

Good to see you again.

How are you?

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- This is great.

Dave, this is Sook-yin Park.

- Sook? The Sook?

- Yes. Yes.

- That you won't stop talking about?

- That's not true.

We are different people.

We speak different languages.

We have different faces.

But inside...

...WS GTB Same-Same.

Same-same.

But different.

But still same

Thank you.

You know, I'm very, very interested

in the history of your young nation.

I hear that absolutely everyone here

is starving to death.

No.

t's quite all right.

- This is a common misconception.

- Oh, okay.

See for yourself.

t's a grocery store! Looks like

the Whole Foods near my place.

Yep. Guess no one's hungry here

after all.

We have an abundance of food here.

And speak of the devil,

look at that fat kid.

Hi, little fatty. Hit

We have many fat children

in North Korea.

The Supreme Leader believes

it is a hallmark...

...of prosperity and self-sufficiency.

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