The Interview Page #5

I don't know about all that,

but this one is one that I heard.

I heard he doesn't pee or poo

He works so hard,

he burns the energy from inside.

My man doesn't have to take a poo?

- Does he have a butthole?

- He does not have a butthole.

He has no need for one.

- Damn, son.

- Damn.

Right this way.

I get it. F***ing stop it.

These are Officers Koh and Yu.

They are the heads of our

Supreme Leaders personal security.

They have been with him

since he was a boy.

They will search you one last time before

entering our Supreme Leaders home.

Just a Gucci bag.

What's this?

Gum. That is gum.

- You f***ing tried it

- Okay.

- This gum has no flavor.

- If you don't like it, spit it out.

Spit it out. We wouldn't be insulted.

- Your gum taste like sh*t.

- Okay.

You may now enter

the Supreme Leader's home.

- This room for Mr. Skylark.

- Cool.

Thanks

This room for Mr. Rapaport.

Ooh, lovely. Thank you.

- Cute.

- Quaint

I'm tired. How are you feeling?

- We go now.

- Okay.

Dude, what the f***? Hey, you know,

how's your tummy feeling?

- Have some TUMS.

- Have some tea.

F***.

They could be recording?

- Oh, the thing.

- The thing. Okay.

- Lovely room. Oh, yes.

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go take a shower now.

- Okay.

- I'll take one with you.

- Why with me?

Fake conversation.

- What the f***, dude?

- Oh, my God.

He ate it. He f***ing ate it.

- You're not supposed to touch it.

- And he ate it.

- Chewing. Chewing it!

- Sh*t! F***.

Sh*t! He's gonna die.

Look, look, look.

He's probably Kim's triggerman, okay?

He's probably killed, like, tons of people.

He's probably worse than Kim.

And we're okay with killing Kim.

How the f*** are we gonna do that?

We don't have any poison anymore!

Well, what happened to it?

- Somebody ate it.

- Someone ate it?

- Why the f*** did you switch bags?

- Yeah, Dave.

All right, all right!

I shouldn't have

switched the bags. Sorry.

Listen, just sit tight

I am going to Contact you.

Do not fall asleep.

I'll Hgure out a way to fix this.

- Thanks. Why'd you tell her?

- it's the truth.

- Why'd you tell her that he ate it?

- He did!

Dude. That was a cock block.

Get me Major Franks

at the Osan Air Force Base.

ETA to launch zone: 20 minutes.

We have a bird en route.

It will be within range of you

in 15 minutes. Aardvark:

Your watch will transmit

the coordinates to guide in the package.

Get outside to a place with no tree cover

where you can't be detected.

- okay?

- what-Q

- Why do I have to do it?

- Why you?

If Dung Beetle gets caught or killed,

then we don't have a mission anymore.

- I could get caught or killed?

- Hey!

Put on your darkest clothes

and get outside now.

Make sure you are 20 yards away

from the building.

Approaching launch zone.

- You ready?

- I think so.

A little nervous, but I'm feeling okay.

I think I can do it.

- What are you doing?

- I'll cherish all our memories.

- Don't do this

- What?

Talk to me like I'm about to die, okay?

I'll be tine!

I'm trying to psych myself up here.

I will love your mother

like she was mine.

- Just shut up.

- Okay.

- it's really scary out there.

- Yeah, super-duper scary.

- Be careful.

- Okay, good. You got me?

- I got you.

- Okay.

- I will not drop you. I got you-

- Don't drop me.

Aardvark, are you all right?

I'm fine. Shut the f*** up.

Aardvark is hot.

I repeat:
Aardvark is H-O-T. Hot.

- This is so scary.

- Aardvark:

You're being extremely brave.

Everybody here is very proud of you.

- My tummy's all scraped up and wet.

- Aardvark:

I'll rub your tummy

when you get back.

Just a few more feet. Okay?

Just five to 10 more feet.

I gotta keep going?

I don't wanna keep going. F***.

Package will deploy

in three, two, one. Boom

Package is inbound.

Arrival time:
two minutes.

Just five more feet. Five more feet

and you're on your mark.

Hey, hey. Hey. Don't move.

I think I see something.

- There's something out there,

- What do you mean?

What is it? Can you zoom in?

What do I do?

Comm One, are you seeing this?

Zoom in on that thing. What is that?

There 's something crawling

towards Aardvark.

What the f***? What is it?

Talk to me.

I'm seeing four legs

connected to one body.

What the f*** are you seeing?

- Dog? Big dog?

- A big dog?

t's like Clifford size. We're talking

Falkor in The Neverending Story.

t's like a dragon dog.

This is like a dragon dog.

- ls that a f***ing-?

- Guys?

- What am I looking for? I don't-

- it's like a big dog.

!t's orange, got stripes.

t's like a big, orange, stripy dog.

There's a tiger.

t's a f***ing tiger!

t's a f***ing tiger.

Yes. A tiger.

- You led my friend into a tiger patch?!

- I told you there were tigers.

Guys, I'm very unhappy right now.

It's really dark.

He probably doesn't see you.

Oh, it f***ing sees me.

- It has night vision.

- They have night vision?

That tiger has night-vision goggles?!

It doesn't have night-vision goggles.

It naturally has night-

- What is this, some futuristic nightmare?

- Just keep the line clear.

Aardvark is in trouble.

What do I do? What do I do?

Talk to me. Talk to me.

You're gonna have to fight that tiger.

No! Do not! Do not fight the tiger!

Do not be a gentleman.

Go right for the balls!

- I don't see its balls.

- Do not light the tiger. You will lose.

If that's a girl tiger,

you gotta c*nt-punt that b*tch!

- Dave, shut the f*** up!

- C*nt-punt that b*tch!

You know that's a stupid idea.

Please, don't try to fight the tiger.

- I'm gonna make a run for it.

- Do not run for it!

- You will die!

- it's coming.

You go, go, go, buddy!

Look out, it's coming after you!

- Oh, God. Pm aiivef

- Aaron.

IV11 alive!

Are you in the tiger?

Are you inside the tiger?

Are you okay?

Do you have the package?

This is Aardvark.

The package killed the tiger.

Fantastic.

You have to secure the package.

Secure the package.

He's got the package.

He has the package.

What do I do with it?

There are people coming.

You have to act now.

Secure the package.

- What do I do with ii?

- Theyve coming towards you.

You gotta hide that little missile.

I have to hide it somewhere? Where?

What do I do with it?

What do I do with it?

What if you hide it in your butt?

I don't wanna stick it in my ass.

You gotta put it in your butt.

Comm One, please tell me

I don't have to stick this in my ass.

Okay. Just give us one second

to come up with a better plan.

- Isn't there anywhere else?

- I think he should put it in his a**hole.

We don't have a better plan.

Stick it in your ass.

No! No!

No!

I've never done that!

I've been there before. It looks huge.

- That tiger blood will lubricate it.

- This will mess up my a**hole!

Aardvark, there are people there.

They are closing in on you.

They have guns.

You need to secure the payload.

- Secure it in your ass.

- Stick it in your butt.

- Okay. Fine. Fine. Fine.

- lin there with you, bro.

Just listen to the soothing tones

of my voice. Just breathe.

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