The Interview Page #9

You know...

...there is so much misunderstanding

about North Korea...

...and me personally.

And I can't think of a man

with greater intelligence than you.

Lam grateful...

...for this opportunity for my government

and for the international community...

...to forge a better relationship.

- So you wanna set the record straight,

- Indeed, Dave.

Camera three.

Tensions between your nation

and South Korea are at a high.

t's fair to say that you're

on the brink of armed conflict.

So what I want to know is...

...in these times of great stress...

...do you do karaoke?

Yes, I do, Dave.

I believe that it is important

for those in power...

...to remain in touch

with the beauty in life.

You are afso a very accomplished

painter; arerrt you?

Well, how can I not be?

- He's reading the script.

- He lulls them and then he gets them.

t's his technique.

The beauty guides you.

It guides my hand.

This is f***ing bullshit.

Let's take it to a serious tip.

Supreme Leader Kim...

...when the United States, which has an

enormous stockpile of nuclear weapons...

...insists that countries like yours

have none...

...does that feel hypocritical to you?

Many Americans do not realize...

...that the war in North Korea was

entirely the fault of the United States.

Damn! Kim's calling us out!

- You really are still hopeful?

- No.

I'm not hopeful at all.

He's bailed on the plan.

America, what you done

to these Koreans?

This is a little embarrassing.

When you think of all

that your country has been through...

...the wars, the floods...

...do you think your people

should be rewarded...

...for their resilience and strength?

Of course, Dave.

Then, why don't you feed them?

I....

Camera two.

I beg your pardon?

Why don't you feed your people?

They are hungry.

Specifically, two-thirds of them.

sn't that embarrassing since you're the

one they view as a provider and a god?

And you spend $800 million

on nukes every year?

And you have

16 million starving people?

Are you sure you don't...

...mean to ask me about potato yields?

No. I wanna know about

that other thing I just asked.

Okay, well...

...Dave-, as you have seen for yourself..

...we have a great bounty of food

in North Korea.

What I saw for myseli..

...was a fake grocery store...

...with a fake fat kid

planted right in front of it!

Okay this is an offensive line

of questioning.

I don't think i!'s offensive.

it's important.

If you don't wanna answer,

you can get up and walk away.

I can't keep you

from retreating.

- He's gonna go for the button.

- He's sitting there. Not moving.

- He's going for the button!

- He's not.

- Oh, sh*t. He's making a move!

- Don't move, homie!

Get your hand away!

I will cap you! I'm exploding with energy.

I can't believe this.

I feel so alive right now.

This is so real.

He's got him. Nice!

- Dave! Dave.

- I know you, Kim.

Dave, perhaps the question

you should ask is:

How have I managed to keep my country

so well-nourished...

...despite the harsh

and unjust economic sanctions...

...imposed on North Korea

by the United States?

Sanctions?

Don't you know that the U.S. has more

incarcerated people per capita than us?

No. But-

So perhaps now you would like

to return to the civil discussion...

...we had originally agreed upon.

No! Get him!

Oh, sh*t! Goto camera one!

Camera three! Camera three!

Do not move, homie!

Give me something!

Give me f***ing something! Okay.

Why?! F***! Sh*t, that hurts!

We don't have concentration camps,

Dave.

Have you seen one person mistreated

since your arrival here?

Oh, sh*t! Sh*t. Someone's coming.

Someone's coming.

Oh, f***! F***!

Dave, unless you can show me

a person, a photo...

...of widespread hunger.

Aaron!

Do not f*** with my angles!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t.

You're f***ing up the angles!

Sit still!

Slow push!

Thank you!

Face it, Dave, you have failed.

You've made wild allegations,

but you have proven nothing.

You made this long journey just to show

the world that they were right about you.

You are incapable

of conducting a real interview.

You're a joke!

Maybe you're right.

Yeah, it sucks.

Because I need people's approval.

Desperately.

Because I could never get it...

...from my father when I was a kid.

But I see a lot of the same thing

in you, Kim.

Your father...

...deprived you

of life's simplest pleasures.

He told you that margaritas are gay.

I have no comment on margaritas.

- Tnen why don't you drink them?

- I don't like brain freeze.

F*** you, Dave.

You f***ing a**hole!

I just have one more question for you.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Drifting through the wind

Wanting to start again?

- What is that? I don't know what that is.

- Yes, you do.

No, I don't. I never heard that before.

Do you ever feel

Feel so paper-thin

Just like a house of cards

One blow from caving in?

- I don't know what you're singing.

- You know what it is.

- No, I don't.

- You don't need to lie.

Katy Perry's your favorite!

Katy who? I don't know

who you're talking about.

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Not the chorus, please!

And own the night

Like it's the Fourth of July

- Cause, Kfmmy, you're a firework

- Stop!

Go and show 'em what you?e worth

And make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"

As you sail across the sky-y-y

Kimmy, you're a #rework

No!

I don't need my father!

I am strong!

Excuse me

- Did you just shart?

- No, I didn't.

It was that camera guy.

It wasn't me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Jong-un

has just pooed in his pants.

Let's get the f*** out of here.

Yeah. Let's go.

Damn, girl. You a badass.

I thought you were my friend, Dave.

I thought you were my friend, Kim.

I thought everyone lied about you.

And then I saw that fake grapefruit...

...in that fake grocery store...

...and I realized

that you were a fake friend.

You said you were gonna

blow everybody up...

...just to show what a big guy you are?

No friend would blow up

another friend's country.

You're just a Hawed man

with a big ol' butthole.

And you pee and poo

like the rest of us.

Well, tell me this, Dave:

Will you be so cocky when I slay you

in front of the whole world...

...you Yankee motherf***er?

If you shoot me,

you7I just be proving me right.

You're just a sad, little man.

Dave! Dave, no!

This is Dave Skylark...

...signing off

Goodbye, Dave.

Oh, man.

Bulletproof vest.

Genius!

He's alive, everybody. Oh, f***!

Got a bulletproof vest on!

I don't know how he got it!

But he's got it on!

Thank you for watching my interview.

This is Dave Skylark...

...signing off.

- No!

- Aaron!

- Let's get the f*** out of here.

- Wait! The puppy.

- What happened to your hand?

- Someone bit my f***ing fingers off.

- That's just like Frodo!

- Whoa! Sh*t!

Don't shoot! I have a puppy!

Go!

- Oh, no, no! Oh! Oh, no!

- Who is that?!

- Oh, Sh*t! Oh, f***!

- Keep shooting!

Oh, no!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! There's more!

You're a hero! Thank you, sir!

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