The Interview Page #8

You're hairy! You so hairy like a bear!

You're f***ing sexy. Yeah.

- Your nipples are so pink!

- Yes, they are.

I love it!

No! Whoa! No!

- No hands.

- No hands?

I'm not into handsy sh*t.

That's how I like it.

- Just take it off!

- Okay.

- You said no hands!

- You hit me with your hand!

How do I get it off?!

Use your big, fat American teeth.

Okay! I Will!

This is awesome.

Yeah!

Oh, this is hard.

Sh*t.

Oh, sh*t, what's wrong?

The numbers I gave you

on potato output...

...are exaggerated.

That's okay with me.

I don't really care about that.

We can get back

to what we were doing.

No, it's not just the numbers!

- I am a terrible person.

- No. You're the best person.

You were about to have sex with me.

That's the best thing someone could do.

I'm the propagandist

of a totalitarian dictatorship.

That's an area you could improve,

but you don't have to dwell on it.

He's as cruel as his father

and grandfather before him!

You knew this this whole time.

Why is this just bothering you now?

It's been bothering me for a long time.

And I'm not the only one.

But too many people see him as a god.

How do you prove to 24 million people...

...that their god is a murderer

and a liar?

- Aaron, I need to talk.

- F***, it's Dave. Sh*t.

You hide in there.

- I'll go deal with him.

- Okay. Go, go, go.

- Aaron, are you here?

- Yeah, one sec. One sec

- Don't come in, don't come in!

- I need to talk.

- Hey, how's it going, dude?

- Not good.

We should take a walk.

No, no, no. I can't walk this off.

I cannot walk this off.

I need to....

I'm so f***ing pissed.

- I just wanna hit something!

- No! Don't punch anything!

Breathe. Just breathe.

- Maybe pace it out.

- F***, man.

Kim.

- What about him?

- He's going crazy,

He's gonna blow up the world

just to show that he's the sh*t!

And at first I thought:

"All right, maybe he's just talking,

you know. Maybe he doesn't mean it."

- Then I saw this fake f***ing grapefruit.

- What?

All the food in that grocery store is fake!

He f***ing lied to me.

Maybe that fat kid isn't fat.

I mean, oh!

What about the concentration camps?

And the famine. Maybe that's real. God!

It is. I've been telling you that

for weeks now.

He f***ing honeydicked me.

He honeydicked the sh*t out of me

- Sucks.

- You still got that poison?

You can't speak? What the f***?

I wanna know if you have the poison

so we can kill that motherf***er.

What?!

Spy! What the hell?!

- She's on our side!

- F***'s going on?!

- You can trust me.

- You can trust her!

Trust her?! Are you joking?!

We gotta kill her!

I was in bed with her!

We were hooking up.

That's why she's here.

- What?!

- Let him go. Everything is fine

Now we gotta kill the girl that you like.

This is the worst moment ever!

We're not killing her!

- She's loyal to Kim.

- No! Dude!

She was just telling me she's with us.

I hate Kim. He is a terrible leader.

- See?

- Okay.

She can help us kill him.

What? NO! NO! No Killing!

Kim must die! That's the American way.

How many times can the U.S.

make the same mistake?

As many times as it takes.

Killing Kim won't change anything.

You said it yourself!

We gotta do something. Right?

He will be replaced.

He has brothers, other generals.

The people need to be shown

that he is not a god.

That he is a man.

Then they will be ready for change

Yeah? How?

Interviewing him.

Everyone in North Korea

will be watching.

No, look, the interview's scripted.

His people are never gonna let me

ask real questions.

- Dave, I am his people.

- She controls the broadcast.

I can't do political interviews.

I do entertainment interviews.

- Dude. You can f***ing do this.

- Yeah?

You don't interview with your brain.

You interview with your heart.

- True.

- Your emotion, Dave.

You get Kim Jong-un to f***ing cry

like a baby in front of all of North Korea?

They'll know he's not a god.

I think I can do this.

You can do it.

I'm Dave Skylark...

...and I can interview anyone.

- Yeah, you can.

- Let's take this motherf***er down!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

You got a lot of pent-up energy! Oh, God!

Okay. Everything's ready.

You ready to rock?

You memorize those facts?

- I'm ready, baby.

- Great.

- How many people in camps?

- Two hundred thousand.

- How many malnourished?

- Sixteen million.

They spent 800 million

on nukes last year...

...and got 200 million in food aid

from the U.N.

And I got more

where that came from, baby.

You're gonna nail this sh*t.

I just wish we had an escape plan.

- Why don't we go to Japan?

- it's across the Sea of Japan.

- Why don't we swim?

- Can't swim that.

- I'm a good swimmer.

- it's really far.

- People have done it.

- Nope.

- Michael Phelps did it.

- Not true.

- Okay.

- Skylark, two-minute warning.

- Keep me on the air as long as you can.

- I will, man.

- Maybe we won't get out of here.

- No. We might die.

I've had a great life.

I had the best, best friend.

F***ed more women

than Ellen DeGeneres.

Now, it's time for the North Korean

people to get their d*cks wet.

This is a perfect ending for the tell-all.

As the two best friends stared

each other in the eyes...

...they knew...

...that this might be the end

of the long road.

But they also knew...

...how much they meant to each other.

And even though neither one

could say it out loud...

...they were both thinking:

- I love you.

- I love you.

Bro.

- Okay, man. You got this.

- Okay.

Showtime.

Dave.

Kim.

Are you ready to share with the world

that gorgeous smile of yours?

Tonight, I think it's your smile

they wanna see.

I have something for you.

What?

- What's this?

- Open.

- For me?

- For you.

He's just like Digby.

Just like Digby

- I think I'm gonna die. Oh, my God.

- Don't die, please.

Not till after the interview.

This dog is killing me with cuteness.

He's crazy cute.

- Can I keep it?

- Take him home, forever and ever.

Why?

I live a lonely life, Dave

And it warms my heart to know

that there is someone in this world...

...with whom I can truly be myself.

Whatever they say about you...

...they're wrong.

I'm just me, and I do my best.

You're my brother.

You're my brother.

Let's get this out of the way, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

And what are we gonna name you, huh?

You need a name? Yes, you do.

Look, look. He looks just like Digby.

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

We'll see you in a minute. Bye-bye.

- Okay. Shall we begin?

- Okay. You ready?

Shut the f*** up. Guys, it's starting!

And we're on in five...

"four:
three...

Good evening. And good morning

to our viewers around the world.

I'm Dave Skylark.

Thank you for joining me

for this historic moment in history.

Lin with President Kim Jong-un...

...of the Democratic People's

Republic of Korea.

We are broadcasting from a station

outside of Pyongyang...

...for this very special edition of

Skylark Tonight.

Thank you for joining me,

President Kim Jong-un.

It is my pleasure, Dave.

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