The Invention of Lying Page #2

If I'm not dead, then sure.

-Good. That's settled, then.

-All right. Have a nice day.

Cheers.

This isn't natural!

None of this is natural! We're all animals!

Why am I wearing clothes?

How do you people live like this?

Why is there all this concrete?

I woke up this morning and realised,

not only do I not love you,

but also the thought

of sleeping with you sickens me.

That should make me not love you,

but it only makes me love you more.

I just don't want to go in there today.

I just don't, you know?

All of Lecture Films' productions are written,

filmed and edited on this very lot.

In fact, this building is

where Lecture Films' talented writers

scour the world's past events

for the most dramatic,

entertaining and even hilarious moments

from world history,

which are then turned into scripts,

handed over to our world-famous readers

to read off of teleprompters

and then filmed for your viewing pleasure.

Now, if you'll just fol low me over here,

I will give you a sneak peek

of Lecture Films'

upcoming summer blockbuster,

Coming soon

from Lecture Films,

screenplay by Brad Kessler

and starring Nathan Goldfrappe,

And so Napoleon invaded Russia

with a brute force

of nearly 700,000 men behind him,

armed with muskets

and supported by cannon brigades.

Crippled by disease and hunger,

Napoleon's men persevered.

It was then that...

Oh, look, everyone.

There's Mark Bellison,

one of Lecture Films' very own screenwriters.

Mark is one of Lecture Films'

least successful screenwriters.

I also hear he's most likely

getting fired today.

Let's go to the editing bay, where we can

watch them put the final touches

on the upcoming Lecture Films feature,

- Right this way.

Morning, Shelley.

Hi, Mark.

I realise more and more every day

how overqualified I am for this position

and how incompetent you are at yours.

Any messages?

Anthony is coming up with in the hour to see

if he can get up the courage to fire you.

If he can't, he said

that he'll definitely do it tomorrow.

Anything else?

Any messages not to do with being fired?

Well, I told everyone

you're getting fired this week

and they shouldn't expect

their calls returned,

so no one left any messages.

Okay. Next time...

I don't think there'll be a next time.

... take the message,

just in case I don't get fired.

You're almost definitely getting fired.

Yeah, but I'm still here now, so...

Seems like a waste of time.

No, it's not.

You're getting paid for it, so let's

take the message in case I don't get...

-But everyone knows that you are.

-Hasn't happened yet.

Okay. But everyone knows you are.

I'll be in the office, don't...

Okay.

I'll be searching for new jobs on Craigslist.

You should probably

just get on with your work.

No, thank you!

Anthony?

Come in. What?

Come in.

Well, you look really depressed today.

That's gonna make this so much harder.

-Anthony, don't fire me.

-Oh, Mark.

The 1300s, they're so boring.

And the last two scripts

you turned in were depressing.

They were about the Black Plague.

It's the 1300s.

What am I meant to write about?

It's not totally your fault, Mark.

You got stuck with a tough century.

-No, no, I can make it work.

-Mark.

Just give it up.

Nothing new is gonna

have happened in the 1300s.

At Lecture Films, we just want to take

the big-name readers of the day

and have them read the stories

that people know and love.

I'm having...

Can I... Do you mind if I...

-I come back and do this tomorrow?

-Oh, well...

No, I just got nervous about firing you.

I just don't do well with confrontation.

Hey, maybe... Maybe if I just sleep on it.

Well, then I'll be thinking,

"Will he fire me, won't he fire me?"

-You're fired.

-I am fired, yeah? 'Cause I sort of...

Yeah. Oh, boy.

Mark, I woke up this morning,

sober, and realised that,

while I did enjoy your company,

based on your looks, your financial situation

and your position in life,

I have no interest in you romantically.

Anna.

Is that 'cause you just got fired?

And 'cause I just got an e-mail

from a woman who...

Yeah, my favourite part was when she said

it was based on your looks.

You read my e-mail?

Yeah. Everyone's read it.

It's the best one you've had all year.

Not for me.

I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want a snack?

So?

I loathed almost every minute

that I worked for you.

So, what are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

But I don't hold out much hope for the future.

I don't have a lot of hope for you either,

but I wish you good luck.

-Bye, Mark.

-Bye, Shelley.

-Mark!

-Yeah?

-Do you mind if I talk to you for a second?

-No.

-I heard the news they were firing you, huh?

-Yeah.

-That must be hard.

-Yeah.

Well, I just wanted to say good bye,

and I've always hated you.

-You've always...

-Hated you.

-I didn't know that.

-Yeah, a lot of people knew it.

-What, you told other people you hated me?

-Yeah.

I even turned some people against you.

Is that why you came over to talk to me?

To tell me you hated me?

No, I came to say good bye to you,

and the rest of it

just sort of happened on its own.

Came out, yeah, sure.

I always knew that the Black Plague

would never work as a movie.

You're an awful writer,

assigned to an awful century.

And you're a little man-b*tch.

Man-b*tch.

But I've always been threatened by you

because there's something about you

that I don't understand,

and I hate things that I don't understand.

But you'll always be a loser.

And I'll always be more successful

than you in nearly every way,

and that's just the way it is.

Oh, and Shelley thinks

you're an overweight homosexual.

-No, I never said that.

-Thank you.

I said, "Fat f*ggot.

"Fatty, fat f*ggot. "

I stand corrected.

And I was upset with

"overweight homosexual. "

Doesn't matter.

Either way, you're a dumpy little queer.

Mark, try to enjoy your loser life.

He's awesome.

Well, no.

Your opinion. Bye, Shelley.

I look forward to never seeing you.

Mrs Johnson,

you have got to take your medicine.

-Hi.

-Are you here to abandon an elderly person?

I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son.

Ooh, it's good you're here.

She's not doing well.

You should say your final good byes today.

Yeah. Someone says that to me

every time I come here.

She's at the top of our death pool.

You look like my dead son!

Each day is worse than the last.

I'm on pills that make everything orange!

Oh, Mum, this is so depressing.

At least look out of the window.

Telly's broken.

It's not broken.

You probably sat on the remote

and changed the channel again.

Yeah, you have, look.

Gotta put it on channel three

for the satellite to work.

I don't understand anything you just said.

That makes me scared and angry.

Lost my job today, Mum.

I'm in my 40s,

and I'm alone with no prospects.

Things aren't much better for me here.

But could be worse.

We could be homeless.

Don't you wish you could change things?

Don't you wish you weren't such a loser?

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