The Invention of Lying Page #3

Well, I don't think I'm a loser.

You are, Mum. Definitely.

We come from a long line of losers.

It's not your fault.

You're a...

A loser.

I love you, Mark.

I love you, too, Mum.

Good luck with finding a job, eh?

I'll go.

Oops.

Shut up!

Haven't even got a job.

-Hi.

-I'm here for the rent.

Yeah, I was gonna come

and talk to you today. I got fired yesterday.

I know. That's why I'm here for the rent.

-Yeah, I haven't got it.

-How much do you have?

I got about $300 left in my ban k account.

-The rent's 800.

-I know. I haven't got that.

Then you're evicted.

You got one day to get your stuff out of here.

Well, how am I gonna do that?

You got $300. Rent a truck.

What can I do for you today, sir?

Just been evicted from my apartment.

So I have to withdraw whatever I've got

in my account to move my things out.

Think I have to close my account.

Probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison.

Unfortunately, sir,

the system is down right now,

so I'm not gonna be able to perform

an account closure until it's back up.

But I can help you with a withdrawal.

How much would you like to withdraw today?

-All of it. Whatever's left.

-The system is down, sir.

Can you tell me

how much is in your account?

Sir?

$800.

Sir?

-$800.

-Pardon me?

I have $800 in my account.

Oh! The system just came back up.

- System seems to be back up, guys.

- Thanks, J ill.

Just a second while I access your account.

You said you were withdrawing 800, correct?

Wait a second.

It says here that you only have

$300 in your account,

but you said you wanted to withdraw 800?

Yeah.

I apologise, sir.

It seems our system has made a mistake.

Let's get you your $800.

Did you want large bills or small?

-B ills, large.

-All right, here you go.

That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, $800.

Is there anything else

I can do for you today, sir?

Uh-u h!

Sorry for the inconvenience.

-What are you doing here?

-Paying my rent.

Come on!

Today, I stumbled upon something

that no man has ever stumbled on before.

What I've done, they'll write about

in history books for generations to come.

And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable,

not only to myself but to mankind as a whole.

It's hard to describe.

And it was as easy as...

How do I explain this?

I said something that wasn't.

Huh?

I said something that wasn't. I...

What's the word for it?

There is no word for it.

Of course there isn't. I invented it.

Watch this. Jim!

What?

My name is Doug.

-Your name is Doug?

-Hi, Doug.

That's so weird I never knew your real name.

Doug is good. It suits you.

Come on!

What's my name?

-It's Doug.

-Doug.

No, it's not! It's Mark!

-Your name is Mark?

-Hi, Mark.

-Mark suits you even better.

-Marko.

Okay, you're not getting it.

Marko.

-I'm black.

-I knew it.

You're very light-skinned, but I can see it.

-I always wanted a black friend.

-Me, too.

I'm an Eskimo.

Fantastic!

Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo.

I'm a pi rate.

-I didn't know they still had those.

-Are you a dangerous pi rate?

I'm a l ion tamer, and I'm wearing a wig.

Aren't you scared you'll get bitten one day?

That's a fantastic wig.

-I invented the bicycle.

-I love your work.

Can I get a discount on a ten-speed?

I'm a one-armed German space explorer.

When's your launch date?

That's a very lifelike prosthetic.

This is incredible.

Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit.

Come on.

If you could make the world

the way you wanted it to be,

what would you do?

If you could change anything,

if you could do anything,

what's the first thing you'd do?

If I could do anything?

Anything at all?

Anything at all.

I would touch girls' b*obs.

Yes.

And maybe have sex with them, too.

Oh, agreed. That, too.

Okay. Let's try that.

-Where are you going?

-Out.

Don't look at me. I'm not attracted to you.

-No, listen.

-Don't bother. I've heard it all before.

The world's gonna end

unless we have sex right now!

Do we have time to get to a motel,

or do we need to do it right here?

Motel.

Help me get my dress off.

Hold on, wait, wait.

Let's get to know each other first.

No! We have to have sex.

The world is going to end!

I don't even know your...

Think of the children!

Think of the little babies.

Let's have a drink.

You look like you'd like a...

-$10 for a beer. That is...

-Don't you understand?

-We are all going to die!

-This isn't right.

Well, of course this isn't right,

the world is going to end!

We have to have sex right now!

Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yeah, it's me.

I'll let her know. That is good news.

-Now.

-Thank you.

World's not gonna end. We don't have to...

- We're gonna live!

- ... sex.

We're gonna live!

Thank you! Oh, thank you!

-I've gotta go.

-Can't you stay?

We've been through so much together.

Well, that was one of

the worst experiences of my life.

Did you invent a new kind of bike?

What else would you do?

If you could do anything.

-Boob.

-No, we've done b*obs.

What's the next thing you'd do?

-Eh?

-Well, what would you do?

I'd get money.

I'd get all the money.

Come on.

-Where are we going?

-On a trip.

I'll drive.

I shouldn't be d riving.

But I don't care. I'm trying to h it bottom.

H ere comes bottom. Pull over.

Just stop.

All right, do me a favour.

Let me do the talking, okay?

I think I'm gonna puke.

Do not puke

in front of an officer of the law.

Don't tell me not to puke

'cause that'll make me puke more.

Hello, Officer. How are you?

Well, I'm relieved

you're not a couple of black guys.

There's a much higher probability

that I'd be jumpy,

shoot you without provocation,

and then I could lose my weapon.

That's good.

-I don't want to go to jail.

-He doesn't want to go to jail.

Have you been drinking

and operating this motor vehicle?

-Yeah, a lot of drink.

-Well, then you're probably going to jail.

I'm gonna need you

to breathe into this for me.

Officer, you don't need to do that.

I'm gonna say that,

judging by the look of this car,

you can't afford my bribe.

Why? How much do you charge?

That's a lot.

That's too much, I think. Why so high?

I have an expensive cocaine habit.

But, you know, it's more than that.

I feel like when I set the price up higher,

it takes it out of the realm of petty crime

and helps me preserve

my sense of personal integrity.

Sort of feeling of self worth if you're... Yeah.

Well, it was nice chatting with you.

Anywho, I'm still gonna need you

to breathe into this for me.

You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart.

You're drunk.

-You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle.

-I don't want to.

Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle

one more time.

-Might as well.

-I can't.

All right! That's it! Get out of the car!

Come on out here! You're drunk!

-You should be ashamed of yourself!

-Officer.

I'm gonna think about this later.

-Officer. Listen, no, no, no!

-Sir, please get back in the car!

Listen to what I've got to say.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes