The Invention of Lying Page #4

He's not drunk.

I've made a terrible mistake.

I do this sometimes. I get a little...

It's the adrenaline.

Well, actually, it arouses me.

Sexually?

-Oh, that...

-I'm so sorry.

Please. Please let me help you.

Can you forgive me? Did you eat something?

Is it food poisoning?

- You'll drive?

- Yeah. Good idea. Thank you.

Sorry.

That was awesome.

-Stop laughing. I'm gonna be sick.

-You're gonna be fine.

Oh, good.

-Where are we going?

-To get rich.

What are we doing here?

We don't have any money to throw away.

We're not gonna throw it away.

- Good luck.

- Thank you.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Chips, please.

There's a very good chance

you'll lose all this money here tonight.

-I know.

-And even if you happen to win,

there's an even better chance that,

in the long run, we'll win it back.

-I know.

-Some of the games are fixed,

-like the ones that use computers.

-I know.

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

-Hi, guys.

-Hi.

If I could be a stripper, I would,

but I'm not attractive enough. Drinks?

We'll have two beers, and we'll take them

over there at the roulette table.

-Cheers.

-Come on,

roulette's the stupidest game of all.

It's all chance. There's no skill whatsoever.

It's all right, I'm feeling lucky.

-You've never had a lucky day in your life.

-Just watch.

Get your bets in.

Get your bets in.

The house always wins in the long run.

Because of the zeroes on the board,

every bet is slightly favoured

towards the house.

Look at that u n usual thing, I've never...

It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way.

We have a winner.

Good job!

Congratulations, sir.

I just won the major jackpot on that machine,

but no money came out.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir.

Let me get that fixed for you.

And can I say congratulations, sir?

Thank you.

We've got a major winner here.

Would you open up the vault?

This is the most amazing night

of my entire life.

Think how amazing it would be

if you didn't smell of vomit.

I know.

Mark, how's it going?

Good.

Oh.

How's it going with you?

Pretty awful.

I was up last night

researching on the Internet,

like, suffocation suicide.

I think that's what I'm gonna do tonight.

Later.

Frank.

Yeah?

Don't do that.

Why? I mean...

You know, I'm miserable.

I don't think anyone would care.

I'll care.

But you're a loser,

which doesn't really count.

Things are gonna be okay.

They are?

Yeah. You're gonna meet someone.

You're gonna be happy.

I shouldn't kill myself?

Definitely not.

Okay, so I don't need to kill myself.

Wow! I thought...

I thought that like... That suffocation idea,

I thought that was like

a really good idea, you know?

It wasn't.

Wow!

My night's opened up.

Do you wanna hang out or something?

Oh, not really.

It's all right. It's okay.

No! Good idea.

Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight.

I'll see you tonight.

Cool, okay.

Hello, this is Anna.

Hi, it's Mark.

Oh! Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e-mail?

The one about not being

good enough for you?

That's the one.

Yeah, got that, cheers.

Listen, the reason I'm calling is

I want to ask you out on another date.

Why would you do that?

Well, I found out I can pretty much

have my life the way I want it.

Congratulations! I gotta go.

No, wait.

Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go

on another date with me, ever,

but I'm different now.

I think I'm in your league.

Are you better looking?

No. More powerful.

I think you have to see it for yourself.

Have you been to the gym?

No. I joined a gym, but just...

Things have changed for me.

I think you'll hardly recognise me.

Did you buy new clothes?

No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best.

You did admit yourself that,

you know, we got on.

If you had an okay time, then please say yes.

I'm just asking for

one teensy, weensy little date.

Okay, fine.

Fantastic.

I'll pick you up tomorrow, about 8:00?

Most likely, though, this will be our last date,

so just know that.

Yeah. Great.

Okay. Bye!

Bye!

Hang up, Mark.

Bye.

MALE NARRATOR.....proudly presents

The Industrial Revolution.

Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith.

Come, watch me read

about the exciting events

that took place during

the Industrial Revolution,

written by the most beloved and esteemed

screenwriter of his generation,

Brad Kessler.

I don't think anyone can write

a better screenplay than Brad Kessler.

No?

Hey!

Did you come to beg for your job back?

Everybody!!

That's the loser that thought

the Black Plague

would make an interesting film.

Hey! Good luck, douche bag.

-You can't go in there.

-I've got an appointment.

Oh, then go right in.

Talk to you later.

Hi. That was the head of the studio.

Why are you here?

Well, when you fired me,

I was seriously depressed.

-I knew it.

-But...

I went for a walk, right out of town.

And I came across a desert,

and I fell asleep under a tree, palm tree.

I don't do well

with other people's life-changing stories.

And then when I woke up,

I saw like a thing sticking out of the sand.

And I unearthed it,

and it was an ancient chest.

Really old. Seven hundred years old.

And in that chest was this.

What is it?

It's a never-before-heard event from history.

When does it take place?

Oh, come on, no, Mark!

Mark, I've already told you,

we don't do Black Plague movies here!

It's not about the Black Plague!

It's not just about the Black Plague.

It's about... Can I just read it, please?

Get excited. Don't tap, get excited.

Get very excited,

because this is one of the best discoveries

man has ever discovered.

And you can be part of it.

Yes, but is there a movie there?

The greatest movie

Lecture Films has ever made.

Start reading.

"On the very first day of the 14th century,

a momentous occasion occurred.

"It began like any other day.

The sunrose, babies began to cry.

"But all of that was interrupted

when a giant, flying spaceship

"crashed down from the skies

and landed in the heart of Babylon. "

What?

Uh... Get everyone in here, right now.

We got a big one.

Oh, please, Mark, continue.

"The ninja army

unleashed a giant fireball

"and brought the robot dinosaur

to its knees, saving Mars, Earth

"and the nude Amazonian alien women,

all in one sweeping motion.

"The Earth was saved.

"Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry

by alien King Wanglor.

"It was to be the first h u man

nude Amazonian alien woman wedding,

"and no expense would be spared.

"All of Babylon and Mars were invited

to join the celebrations.

"The wedding was held

on a brisk summer's day on Mars.

"And all of the survivors

of the Great Ninja War

"and the Black Plague were present.

"They feasted and danced and laughed,

and it was a joyous occasion.

"The moment the bride and g room kissed,

"King Wanglor performed

a mind-wipe on all the humans,

"thereby erasing all knowledge

of these events for about 700 years,

"until one day,

a great writer by the name of Mark Bellison

"would stumble across them in the desert

after being fired by his crap boss, Anthony,

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