The Invention of Lying Page #8

We both know that one day

you're going to lose your looks.

You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly.

Why throw a weight problem on top of it

with delicious, fatty chicken?

Of course not.

Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom

calling to check on our date.

She's very control ling and impatient.

Let me talk to her.

Okay.

Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler.

-Yes, your daughter looks beautiful.

-Ah!

No, she hasn't blown it by boring me.

Okay, you're annoying me now.

Your voice is shrill. Good bye.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Mmm!

You know, you are

a near perfect match for me,

physically, genetically,

socially, economically.

I agree.

And a large part of me just wants to bag you

because Mark's in love with you

and I enjoy watching him fail.

Why do you hate Mark so much?

He's a really good friend of mine.

Because he's a loser.

I'm the one who should be living in

a mansion and talking to the man in the sky.

But I can have the one thing that he can't.

-You.

-Ah!

Because you are sensible.

You want to marry a strong genetic match

and maybe one day

have children that aren't...

Little fat kids with snub noses.

Exactly.

Exactly. Yeah.

The man in the sky,

in his infinite wisdom,

has told us that we can do two bad things

and still get into our mansion.

So I say to you...

No. I won't move into your mansion with you

when we die. You're really smothering me.

The more you push me away,

the more attracted I am to you.

Out of the way, fatty!

Hey, you're Mark Bellison.

Yeah. You gonna apologise?

For what?

-Who wants another drink?

-Yeah, please.

I'll take one.

Thanks.

What's going on?

What, I can't be depressed

'cause I've got a big house

and loads of money?

What about you guys?

Are you happier, at least?

Since the man in the sky?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Very happy.

Are you still lonely?

Have you found someone yet?

-Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that.

-Why?

Well, because I was thinking

that if I get eternal happiness when I die,

that'll be really great because it's eternal,

you know, so you can't really beat that.

So I'm just really happy

that that's gonna happen.

So until then I think

I'm just gonna stick with the alcohol

and my little apartment and just kind of

hang out by myself and drink and watch TV.

That doesn't sound like a happy life.

That sounds like a long, miserable one.

Well, no, it won't be that long,

because the more I drink, the faster I'll die.

And I'm just waiting for that mansion,

you know?

That's what I'm talking about.

Brilliant.

You call him on the phone,

on a telephone?

No, I just...He's speaking to me now.

-Is he saying something?

-He is, yeah.

Well, would you please tell us

what he's saying?

He's saying,

"Why are you speaking to that idiot? "

And I'm saying back,

"I'll give him a chance..."

There's got to be something better on TV

than this.

Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it.

That's my very good friend.

Oh, please. I know all your friends,

and they're nothing like that.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means just because

he's talking to the man in the sky

doesn't make him good enough

to be your friend.

What if I wanted him to be

more than just my friend?

Man in the sky forbid.

It would make no sense.

Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky

chose to speak through,

but that doesn't change the fact

that he's still a loser

and your kids would be, too.

-Well, he is more than just that.

-There's nothing more than that.

Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be.

He is...

He's smart, he's funny,

and he's kind, and he is loving.

And he makes me feel special.

He makes me happy.

You are going to be

with the person who's right for you,

the person who'll give you

the kids you've always wanted.

Someone like Brad Kessler.

Hello, Brad. One moment.

- S peak to him. Don't blow this.

- Mom!

Hello.

Hi, Brad.

I miss you, Mum.

I know you can't hear me.

I know you're not up there in a mansion.

You're right here in the ground.

And I'm the only person in the world

who knows that.

And I'm not happy.

I did all this, but...

I'm not happy because

no one listens to what they really want.

That's why I'll always be a loser.

That's why I'll always be alone.

Mark.

You look awful.

Can I come in?

-Haven't seen you much lately.

-Yeah, I know.

I've been busy with work and things and...

Also, I tried calling you

and you never answer your phone.

-Did you know I was getting married?

-Yeah, I heard.

That's why I came over here, actually.

I wanted to give you this invitation.

Don't do it.

The wedding is tomorrow.

Please, don't marry him.

- I hope you'll come.

- Why?

Because it would make me happy.

Being around you makes me happy.

Then why are you marrying him?

I only have a certain amount of time

that I can find my ideal genetic partner,

have the children that I've always wanted.

You know that.

One day, Mark,

I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly.

No, you won't. Not to me.

You'll never be ugly.

You're confusing me.

-Please take this.

-Have a nice life.

Enjoying your ice cream,

you fat loser?

Stop that!

It's okay. Forget about them.

What's your name?

Short Fat Brian.

Well, Brian.

You are so much more

than just short and fat.

See? You're Brian with the Great Smile.

Thanks.

Ow!

Greg!

Sorry!

Keep the noise down.

Fat, ginger...

Shut up!

You haven't lost yet, man.

Ah!

Loser.

We are here today,

sitting in this building,

to share in the wedding

of Brad and Anna,

two attractive young people

who have come to the conclusion

that this wedding will be mutually beneficial,

that their genetic match-up will be

most likely to produce favourable offspring

and a lifetime of financial stability

and physical security.

Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna

for as long as you want to

and to protect your offspring

for as long as you can?

I do.

And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad

for as long as you want to

and to protect your offspring

for as long as you can?

I do.

Before I pronounce these two man and wife,

is there anyone here in this building

who believes they offer

a better genetic match-up to either party?

Me.

Oh, come on, Mark.

I mean, look at you.

How can you possibly be better than me?

Because she's happy with me.

If she were happy with you,

what is she doing standing up here with me?

She thinks her kids deserve

the best possible start in life.

And she's right.

Yeah. And do you know

what that makes you?

You're a sperm donor.

She's my best friend.

I thought I was your best friend.

Not now. Let's...

And I love her.

Don't do this.

Don't do it.

Is this what you really want?

It's the way of the world, Mark.

Why? Why does it have to be?

Who says your kids will be better than mine?

Who says that a strong jawline or

a fast metabolism or a muscular physique...

He's also taller.

No, I know, but I'm just...

Please, man, I...

Who says those traits will make your kids

better than mine, or happier?

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