The Invention of Lying Page #7

-Well...

-He's not happy.

-Well, how do you know?

What do you mean?

Look at him. He's a loser.

You can't tell that

from just looking at the guy.

He could be the world's greatest poet.

Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example.

But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be,

just by...

Okay. What do you see

when you see this fellow here?

Short, sweaty, bald guy.

-Right.

-Hi!

He's carrying a briefcase.

He's in a hurry.

He's probably off to

a really important meeting.

He's probably a high-powered businessman.

You see more than I do.

Well, because, if you look...

What do you see when you see those guys?

Mmm...

Two nerdy losers in hats?

Yeah. Good. Good observational skills.

But what I mean is, look beyond

just their appearance and look at them.

They're holding hands. They're in love.

Hey, do me.

I mean, just what do you see?

What do you see in me?

You're pretty.

You've got a wonderful smile.

-Well, that's what everyone sees.

-I wasn't finished.

You're the sweetest,

most caring person I know.

And you've got a freckle there

I've never told you about how much I love.

You usually smile,

but sometimes you spend your day in bed,

eating and crying.

You'll hold someone's hand

after their mum...

You're the most wonderful person

I've ever met.

What do you see when you look at me?

You're chubby and you have a snub nose.

Yeah. That's about it.

You're smart.

You're kind.

You're the sweetest man I've ever met.

You are definitely

the most interesting person I know.

And you are fun to be with.

And you see the world in a way

that nobody else sees the world,

and I like the way you see the world.

And you're my best friend.

You make me happier

than anyone I've ever known.

-Why can't we be together, then?

-Because of the whole genetics thing.

Little fat kids with snub noses.

It's a shame that being rich and famous

doesn't change your genetics.

Because I love you.

Does being rich and famous

change your genetic material?

No.

It doesn't. O u r kids would be

little fat things with snub noses.

Thanks for that, Jim.

Next up, Mark Bellison.

Does he deserve all the money and fame

or is he just some fat loser

who hears things from the man in the sky?

I say fat loser, Bob.

It's as simple as this, Jim.

Just look at the guy.

He's fat, he's stupid-looking.

What else do you need to know?

And what about the hundreds of people

camping out on his lawn?

I mean, don't those people have jobs?

Maybe they're all fat losers like him.

Stay tuned, we got weather in five.

And then write, "The duck flew all the way

to Alaska to meet up

"with his friend

who was a polar bear who lived there. "

- "And the polar bear... "

- How many of these have you had?

Doesn't matter. Uh... "The end. "

-That's a strange ending.

-It is, isn't it?

And you want me to take this over

to Lecture Films?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Tell them to film that one this week.

Okay.

Tell them it's for kids.

Kids will love that, won't they?

Bears and ducks in cars.

-What's that?

-It's a birthday card for you.

-You want it?

-Thank you.

Oh, I came to tell you

that I can't watch a movie with you tonight.

-Why not?

-'Cause I have a date.

Who with?

-Brad Kessler.

-Brad Kessler?

You know what I think of him.

I think he is the world's biggest douche bag.

-To you. Not to me.

-Yes.

He's very sweet and kind to me.

Well, of course he is. Look at you!

A shark would be sweet and kind to you.

-It would?

-No, it wouldn't.

Do not get in with a shark.

It will just... I was just...

-But don't go out with him.

-Why not?

-Well, he's an excel lent match for me.

-Well, don't sleep with him.

-Why not?

-What? You were going to?

If I don't sleep with him,

then he'll find another acceptable mate

who would sleep with him.

-Then I'll miss out.

-No, he won't.

-Yes.

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

You haven't thought this through.

Because if I was going out

on a date with you...

And if you were attractive, like Brad.

Yes. Well, why...

But I would... I would lose respect for you...

-Huh?

-... if you slept with me on the first date.

I would because I...

Just chat, just talk to him, sure.

But, listen, do not, whatever...

Let him know

what a wonderful person you are just by...

Verbally, not with... Because he will then go,

"Oh, I... I want to date her...

I want a second date. "

Do not...

Do not have sex with anyone

unless you are married to them

is the rule.

Settled.

-Okay.

-Good.

What's this?

Birthday coupon for sex.

It's a coupon for birthday sex.

So it's sex with you 'cause it's my birthday?

What do you get the man

who has everything?

-Sorry.

-Forget about it now. Sorry, I didn't know.

-No, no, no, stop.

-We're not married.

Which is what you just said.

Do not sleep with anyone

unless you're married to them.

That's what I said. But hold on, though.

What about the coupon?

-The rule is...

-Yes, I know what the rule is.

So we can't...

The coupon, it's just such a...

-Rule.

-Such a shame to waste it.

-But, I mean, you know...

-It's too bad.

It is, it is.

Now I can't redeem sex with this.

So you'd like what?

What am I gonna get you now?

Can't have sex with you.

You probably just prefer socks, right?

Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones,

instead of sex.

Hello?

Oh, he's coming.

Well, why have you invited him here?

I didn't. It was his idea.

I bet it was. It's my house.

-Anna.

-You are so handsome.

I know.

-Mark. You look like trash.

-Oh, your opinion.

Let's go have some fun.

-Not too much.

-Hey! What are you doing with that?

That is a coupon for birthday sex.

-With you?

-Yes.

But he doesn't want it

because we're not married.

- He'd rather have a pair of socks, right?

- Can I have it?

Oh, sure. Of course,

we'll have to get married to use it.

Well, maybe we just will.

Well, don't... I'm not happy for that. What...

I'll call you later.

-I thought we'd celebrate tonight.

-Hmm.

Today I was handed

a very impressive promotion.

Not only am I the head writer

of the coveted first century,

but today I was handed the reins

to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries.

-Oh, that is exciting.

-It's very, very exciting.

No other writer's ever had

that many centuries,

let alone four of the most popular ones.

Mark's never had more than one century.

Mark also has the man in the sky

telling him stories

no one's ever heard before.

Yes, but does he look like this?

Does he have my genetics?

My confidence? My charisma?

- No.

- No.

I'm gonna send that bottle back.

Not because it's turned, but because

I want to appear discerning and powerful.

Yes, sir.

Also, I think we're ready to order.

She will have the small Caesar salad

because I don't want her to get fat.

And I will have the fillet, rare,

because it's expensive,

it tastes good, and I'm important.

Excel lent.

I understand why you want me to have

the small Caesar salad, but I am very hungry.

- Maybe we could add some chicken.

- No, no, no, no, no.

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