The Invention of Lying Page #6

I got another plain.

In London, England,

they wait.

In Rome, Italy, they wait.

In New York City, they wait.

The world has come to a standstill,

with everyone

at their televisions and radios,

or here on this lawn,

waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth

and tell the people what he knows.

Oh!

Hi.

I've finished.

Are you ready?

-I guess so.

-Oh.

I wish I had something better

to put these on, though, like tablets.

Or just even better paper.

-That feels better.

-Good.

Just...

Just tell them what you know.

- Good luck out there, man.

- Cheers.

Twenty four hours ago,

Mark Bellison was just

your typical nobody writer.

Today, people are saying

he has new information

about what happens after you die.

Sorry.

I guess

you heard about the stuff

that I told my mum the other night.

That's why you're here.

I know some things,

some very important things

about what happens to you after you die.

Everything you need to know

is written on these pizza boxes.

"Number one,

"there is a man in the sky

who controls everything.

-"Number two... "

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What does he look like?

Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff.

Good head of hair.

What ethnicity is he?

Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity.

He's a mixture of all our ethnicities.

-Does he live in the clouds?

-No.

- Can we see him?

- No.

He lives higher than the clouds,

too high to see him.

-So he lives in space.

-Not that high.

So then the thermosphere?

Sorry, people. I've got a lot

to get through here. Can we just...

Man lives in the sky, you can't see him.

He controls everything. Cool?

Good. "Number two,

"when you die, you don't disappear

into an eternity of nothingness.

"Instead, you go to a really great place. "

"Number three,

"in that place, everyone will get a mansion. "

-What kind of mansion?

-The best mansion you could think of.

Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion!

Well, no.

It's the best mansion you could ever think of.

Not the one you're thinking of

right now, but ever.

Whatever the best mansion is you'd like,

that's the one you're gonna get.

"Number four,

"when you die,

all the people you love will be there. "

Will they have their own mansions?

Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion.

What if I want them to live in my mansion?

Well, that's fine. They'll leave their mansion.

They'll come and live with you, won't they?

-What happens to their mansion?

-I don't know. It goes back on the market.

Can we... "Number five,

"when you die, there will be free ice cream

for everyone.

"All day and all night,

whatever flavours you can think of. "

-Even bad flavours?

-Why would you think of bad flavours?

You just said every flavour I could think of.

Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks.

Well, don't eat that, then.

I just thought

that chocolate sauce was diarrhoea.

Don't put that on the ice cream, then!

What is the matter with you people?

Can we... Please. "Number six,

"if you do bad things, you won't get to go

to this great place when you die. "

Where will you go?

A terrible place, the worst place imaginable.

What constitutes a bad thing?

Awful crimes, rape, murder, things like that.

-Is punching someone bad?

-Yes.

-What if they're trying to hurt you?

-Well, then it's fine.

-Is cursing bad?

-No.

- What about being late for work?

- No, that's...

I mean, you might lose your job

if the boss doesn't like it,

but it won't affect what happens

to you after you die.

What about if you forget to feed your dog?

Well, then, if you forget,

I mean, it's bad for the dog.

If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not...

I mean, don't do it on purpose.

Don't buy a dog just to starve it

for a laugh, but... Can we...

If I do just one bad thing,

do I go to the bad place?

No!

You get three chances.

Three bad things and you're out.

Like baseball!

Sort of. So, anything else?

Yeah!

- Oh, please, can we just move on?

- No!

We have to know everything that's bad.

Yeah.

Fine.

Is it bad to wear pants?

Oh. What the...

No. There is no hairstyle

that can put you in the bad place.

We've been through this.

The main ones are things like hurting people

physically, on purpose, okay?

Taking their stuff, doing things

to people they don't want done,

murdering people on purpose.

Okay. "Number nine,

"the man in the sky who controls everything

"decides if you go to the good place

or the bad place.

"He also decides who lives and who dies. "

-Does he cause natural disasters?

-Yes.

-Did he cause my mom to get cancer?

-Yes.

Did he cause that tree to land

on my car last week?

-Yeah.

-Did he kill my dad with that heart attack?

Yeah.

I say f*** the man that lives in the sky!

Yeah, that guy's evil!

That guy's a coward, hiding up there

doing bad things to us.

Why doesn't he do it to our faces?

We have to stop that evil bastard

before he kills us all!

Wait, wait, listen.

The man who lives in the sky

and controls everything

is also responsible for

all the good stuff that happens.

He's the guy that saved my life

on that fishing trip when the boat capsized?

-Yes.

-Did he capsize the boat?

Yeah.

He killed my grand mother

and left me those millions of dollars?

You bet yeah.

So, he's the one

who cured my mom's cancer?

Yeah.

So, he's kind of a good guy,

but he's also kind of a prick, too.

Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay?

"Number ten, even if the man in the sky

does bad stuff to you,

"he makes up for it by giving you

an eternity of good stuff after you die. "

As long as you don't do any of that

bad stuff that you mentioned, right?

-Yeah, of course.

-So it's kind of a test.

Yeah.

Well, that's everything I know.

How do you know all these things?

Because the man in the sky told me.

Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out

about these things now,

millions of years into our existence?

I don't know. He forgot.

Got... Seen all the stuff he does?

Thank you.

Think that went well.

Cheers, cheers.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Did I ever tell you about the time

I saved a baby from a burning building

and there was a bear, and...

Wait, there was a burning building

and a bear?

Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying

and so I ran in there through the flames,

not caring about my own safety,

got the baby, jumped out.

It was the second storey, jumped out.

I landed, baby safe. But then this bear...

-Wait, how did you survive?

-Well, let me tell you.

No, how did you survive the jump?

I've seen you twist your ankle

crossing the street.

Because on this occasion

I landed in something soft.

-Oh.

-So...

What did you land in?

-Jam.

-Jam.

It was a barrel of jam.

It was a jam factory on fire.

Probably what attracted the bear

in the first place.

-Right.

-You haven't heard of that?

The burning building, baby,

bear, factory, jam incident?

Shoot, no.

Yeah, classic. So, I land.

This bear is coming toward,

big, lumbering, eating machine

like that happy chap over there.

-What, sleeping, ugly fatty?

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