THE IT CROWD (2006–2013)

Season #1 Episode #1 - 'Yesterday's Jam'

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Scene 1

Denholm & JenDenholm Reynholm is sat at his desk with new employee Jen sat in front of him.

Denholm:
Hope this doesn't embarrass you Jen, but I find the best thing to do with a new employee is to size them up with a long hard stare.

(Denholm stares long and hard)

So!

Jen:
So

Denholm:
First day

Jen:
Yes

Denholm:
Scary

Jen:
Yes

Denholm:
Don't be scared

Jen:
Well I'm not really scared

Denholm:
You should be

Jen:
Well I am a little bit scared

Denholm:
Well don't be

Jen:
Make up your mind

Denholm:
(laughs)

Jen:
(laughs)

Denholm:
So, here you are

Jen:
Yes, really looking forward to getting to grips with...

Denholm:
I'm gonna put you in I.T. because you said on your CV you have a lot of experience with computers.

Jen:
I did say that on my CV, yes. I have a lot of experience with the whole computer thing you know, emails, sending emails, receiving emails, deleting emails, I could go on.

Denholm:
Do.

Jen:
The web. Using a mouse, mices, using mice. Clicking, double clicking. The computer screen, of course. The keyboard. The... bit that goes on the floor down there.

Denholm:
The hard drive.

Jen:
Correct.

Denholm:
Well, you certainly seem to know your stuff. That's settled. I've got a good feeling about you Jen and they need a new manager.

Jen:
Fantastic, so the people I'll be working with, what are they like?

Denholm:
Standard nerds!

Scene 2

Hello IT...Cut to Roy's desk in the basement. Phone is ringing and he is drinking coffee and licking doughnut sugar from his fingers.

(answers phone)

Roy:
Hello IT.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing?

Yeah, you need to turn it on. Err, the button turns it on.

enter Moss who tosses Roy a muffin

Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you? No, not on clothes.

Moss's phone rings. He answers it.

Moss:
Hello IT.

Yuhuh. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Roy:
no, there you go, I just heard it come on. No, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?

Moss:
You see the drive hooks a function by patching the system core table so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread is about to jump in there and do its stuff. And you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory. (laughs) Hello?

Roy:
Oh really?! Well why don't you come down here and make me then. What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you, you can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for ya! (hangs up and sits back in chair) That told her.

It's about time you got back it's been all go.

Moss:
You had a job?

Roy:
Girl on fifth.

Moss:
Did you and her, hit it off?

Roy:
Define, hit it off.

Moss:
Did she continue talking to you once you'd fixed her computer?

And while I was working on it, she rested a cup on my back.

Roy:
No.

Moss:
And while I was working on it, she rested a cup on my back.

Moss:
No

Roy:
Yup.

Moss:
Unbelievable.

Roy:
They have no respect for us up there. No respect whatsoever. We're all just drudgeons to them.

Moss:
Yes. If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we would be to them.

Roy:
It's like they're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed...

Moss:
They toss us away like yesterday's jam.

Roy:
YES! Like yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them. (phone rings, Roy picks it up) Err you know what, that doesn't really to work as a thing 'cos jam lasts for ages.

Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Scene 3

Unisex toilets? You have unisex toilets like Ali McBealDenholm is showing Jen around the offices on the top floor. It is populated by beautiful people walking about apparently not doing much work.

Jen:
Unisex toilets? You have unisex toilets like Ali McBeal.

(Jen open the door and looks in to see a couple kissing - she closes the door)

Denholm:
That's the sort of place this is Jen. A lot of sexy people not doing much work. And having affairs.

Jen:
Oh my god look at that view! I feel like I'm on top of the world.

(lift bell sounds)

Denholm:
Well Jen, this is where I leave you.

Jen:
Ok. Where am I going?

Denholm:
All the way down into the basement. Good luck.

(lift doors close and open again in the basement)

Scene 4

Lift:
Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift. Get out of the lift.

(Jen struggles out of the lift and makes her way down the corridor towards the IT department. Half way down she opens the door to the unisex toilet door to discover the post room man hovering over the toilet.)

Postman:
Oh. Won't be a tick.

Jen:
Oh my God! Oh God!

(Jen enters the office.)

Jen:
Hello. Hello.

(Moss and Roy enter out of Jen's sight. Retreat then re-enter.)

Roy:
Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said.... ooh it seems we have a visitor. I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were just engaged in quite a serious discussion about books and such. And didn't hear you come in.

Moss:
Wait a second, you said it was Tolstoy who said what?

Roy:
Ah, never mind that now Maurice.

Moss:
When have you read Tolstoy?

Roy:
Shut up Maurice.

Moss:
Why are you speaking in that weird voice. When did.. I don't remember this conversation at all.

Jen:
Don't let me disturb you, I just wanted to come down...

Roy:
Oh, don't be silly you'd never disturb us.. (falls over)

No, err... many people come down here to visit.

Moss:
What are you talking about. Who comes down? What people? Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?

Roy:
So, what can we do you for?

Jen:
I'm the new head of this department. Is this my office?

(Jen goes into he office)

Roy:
Did she just... I am the head of this department!

Moss:
I thought I was.

Roy It's one of us. It's certainly not her. I'm going to sort this out.

(goes to Jen's office)

Moss:
Roy, you've got a head wound there. Head wound!

Roy:
I don't want to be rude or anything but I wasn't informed of any changes to this department.

Jen:
Oh did they not tell you about me?

Roy:
No, and we are perfectly fine down here thank you very much. We are more than capable of taking care of ourselves.

Jen:
Sure. Sure. You know you're covered in blood.

(Postman enters main office and drops a package onto Moss' desk)

Postman:
Moss. Amazon thingy.

Moss:
Ahh wicked. I know what this is. It's the new Harry Potter. I got the child edition and the adult edition just to check there are no differences in the text.

(Roy enters from Jen's office)

Roy:
Sorry but I'm not going to be able to deal with that woman. Is nobody else going to get the phone. I suppose I'll get it. No, that is not a phone. I'm going to have a little lie down.

Scene 5

(Moss knocks on Jen's door)

Jen:
Come in.

(Jen pretends to be talking to Denholm on the phone)

Jen:
Yeah, Denholm. Yeah, yeah, no n-n-n-no, no they've been fine so far. Yeah, I think we're going to get on great. Yeah I know, alright then, no you take care, alright, yeah I will, yeah, okay take care, take care, okay bye, bye.

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