THE IT CROWD (2006–2013) Page #2

Season #1 Episode #1 - 'Yesterday's Jam'

---

So, hello, what can I do you for... what can I do for you?

Moss:
Hallo. I was just wondering: do you want me to connect up your phone?

Jen:
No n-n-n-n-n-n-no. It's working. Errm I was just talking to Denholm there.

(Moss picks up phone which clearly has no connections)

Moss:
But how?

Jen:
Would you mind, closing the door for me?

Moss:
Oh yeah, sure.

Jen:
Yeah, from the other side.

Moss:
Of course. Like this.

Jen:
That's it.

Moss:
With me on the...

Jen:
Thanks.

Moss:
Oh.

(Roy enters. Head bound in bandages)

Are you alright?

Roy:
Ahh yes Moss I'm fine. Nurse said I didn't do any serious damage.

Moss:
I'm standing over here.

Roy:
I know, I know, I'm joking. I'm fine. What are we going to do about her?

Moss:
Well, I just went in and she was having a pretend conversation.

Roy:
Really?

Moss:
Yes. she's a little bit weird to say the least.

(sprays his ear)

Roy:
What's that?

Moss:
Oh, just water. Sometimes I get a hot ear and this helps cool it down. She is quite the oddball. Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?

Roy:
Yeah, that was weird. It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers.

Moss:
What? (drops cup)

Roy:
What are you doing?

Moss:
Oh don't worry, that's why I always make two cups of tea. Anyway what were we talking about?

Roy:
Oh her not knowing anything about computers.

Moss:
What? (drops cup)

Roy:
Okay, we definitely want to get rid of her.

Moss:
Agreed.

Roy:
Okay, so here's the plan.

Moss:
A plan. Let me put on my slightly larger glasses. Okay. Hit me.

Roy:
Okay, we go in.

Moss:
When?

Roy:
You know, like in a minute.

Moss:
Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan?

Roy:
Yeah, you know what. I shouldn't have used the word plan. I've clearly gotten you over excited.

Moss:
Would scheme be a better word? Although that's just as exciting, I might even need these.

(puts on even larger glasses)

Roy:
All I was gonna say was; we go in, I make up a lot of bollocks about computers and we'll see if she picks up on it.

Moss:
Yes. I can see why you didn't want to use the word plan.

Roy:
Let me do the talking.

Ohh! Ok, we need to get this right. We need to stay calm. We do not want to go in there half-cocked.

(sniggers)

(Roy knocks on Jens door and both enter)

Jen:
Hang on guys. How can I help?

Roy:
Well, we were just wondering, now that you're the boss; would you like us to access the data supplier and connect you up to the matrix?

Jen:
You just made all that up.

Roy:
You don't know anything about computers, admit it!

Jen:
Will you stop trying to undermine me, now get in there and do some work to do with com-puters. I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you.

Roy:
Okay, lady. You've won this round. But we can wait. You will slip up on day and believe you me we will be there when you do. It will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any shadow of a doubt that you don't know anything about computers.

Jen:
(to Moss) What are you doing?

Moss:
Plugging in your computer.

Roy:
It might be something you say or something you do but when we notice it and believe me we will notice it, it's going to be a long way down for you sweet cheeks.

(Roy exits)

Moss:
He'll realise in a second.

(Roy jumps back into the office realising what has happened screaming and pointing)

Scene 6

Jen:
I cannot believe you are going to tell on me. You're like a pair of horrible old women.

Moss:
What did she say?

Roy:
She said we're like horrible old women.

Moss:
She didn't.

Denholm:
Hey, guys. I hear you've got something to tell me.

Roy:
Err yes well , it's like this.

Denholm:
Look at you. My IT team. Team players, each and everyone of you.

Roy:
Yeah, well she ahh...

Denholm:
There's no room for people who can't act in a team on my team.

(phone rings)

Excuse me.

Hello. What? Well if you can't work as a team you're all fired. That's it you heard me, fired. Get your things and go.

Hello security. Everyone on floor four is fired. Escort them from the premises and do it as a team. Remember you're a team and if you can't act as a team you're fired too.

Dawn. Get on to recruitment. Get them to look for a security team that can work as a team. They may have to escort the current security team from the building for not acting like a team.

Team. Team. Team. Team. Team. Team. I even love saying the word team. You probably thing that's a picture of my family. Uh uh. It's the A Team. Body; Doyle; Tiger; The Jewellery Man. The whole lot of them. So what do you want to tell me.

Moss:
Well it's just not working out.

Roy:
Hahaha. He's joking.

Moss:
But you said.

Denholm:
Not working out?

Roy:
Oh no! We are getting on like a big house on fire.

Moss:
My ear's getting hot!

Roy:
No. You know what, we should leave now because, you know, you're a busy man and we've taken up far too much of your time. Jen, could you just get the door for me, there?

Jen:
Absolutely Roy!

Denholm:
So, why did you come here in the first place?

Roy:
Errmmm. We set up a voice activation system on your computer. Err I think you're gonna enjoy it. It might just take a little while to get the pitch right on the voice but none the less go ahead. Thank you very much, bye bye.

Denholm:
Thank you. How exciting.

Hello. Hello computer. Hello. Hello. Hello computer.

Scene 7

Roy:
I mean, what good are you? You obviously don't know anything about computers.

Jen:
No. But okay. But I can learn. You know, I mean. For example, Moss, you could take me through what you're doing right now.

Moss:
I'd be delighted. I'm just working on a very simple piece of programming code.

(white noise)

Jen:
Oh, I see. Oh God, no I'm lying again I didn't understand any of that, I don't know anything about computers. I mean, I'm absolutely useless to you I might as well pack up and go home.

(Jen goes into her office)

(Laura knocks and enters)

Laura:
Hi. Is, Roy around?

Roy:
Hello there little lady. Are you lost? How can I help you? I'm Roy.

(Laura knees him in the bollocks and proceeds to beat him senseless)

Well here I am!

Roy:
Not the face! Not the face!

(Laura takes off one of her Manolo Blahniks and beats Roy with it)

Laura:
Yeah well, maybe this'll teach you to treat people with a little bit of respect.

Roy:
Is it 'cos we spoke on the phone earlier?

Jen:
Oh my God. Are those Manolo's?

Laura:
Oh, yes.

Jen:
They are gorgeous. Were they expensive?

Laura:
No, no, no. Got them in the sale.

Jen:
Oh God, clever you. I'm never lucky enough to get a bargain like that.

Laura:
Well, I should take you shopping.

Jen Yeah, no that would be fantastic. Yeah, nice to meet you.

Roy:
Nice meeting you.

Moss:
Chairman wow! You've just diffused that entire situation.

Jen:
What situation? Oh that, yeah. Oh my God, does that happen a lot?

Moss:
They're fairly regular the beatings, yes. I'd say we're on a bi-weekly beating.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes