The Italian Job Page #2

How are you? How do you feel

about a little outing?

Hello, Hazel.

Hazel, my lovely, out you come.

Come on, then. There you are.

It's a long time since

you've seen the nightlife, innit?

Where's my torch?

Where's my bloody torch?

- Good evening, Mr Bridger.

- Croker!

Mr Bridger, I've got a job lined up.

Get out of here.

It's all here. Maps, drawings,

plans, everything.

You've been put up to this,

bribed to upset my natural rhythm

and ruin my health.

No, Mr Bridger. This is important.

Four million dollars. Europe.

The Common Market.

Italy, the FIAT car factory.

- Croker, this is my toilet.

- Please. Just read it.

Get out.

Are you alright, Mr Bridger?

Are you alright?

He's alright!

I can always take it

to the Americans.

They're people who recognise young

talent, give it a chance, they are.

Last night, Mr Governor,

my toilet was broken into.

- Toilet?

- Toilet.

- Broken into?

- Broken into.

Well, I'm... terribly sorry.

There are some places

which, to an Englishman, are sacred.

- Well, I've apologised, Bridger.

- And so you should have.

You are not doing your job properly.

Her Majesty's prison is there

not only to keep people getting out,

but to prevent people getting in.

You are symptomatic

of the lazy, unimaginative management

which is driving this country

on the rocks!

- Well... is there anything else?

- No, thank you, Governor.

By the way, Mr Bridger, did you

happen to recognise the man

who so rudely interrupted you?

I've never seen him before

in my life.

I want Charlie Croker

given a good going-over.

- Yes, Mr Bridger.

- Tell Camp Freddie.

- Yes, Mr Bridger.

- I don't want him killed.

Just given a good going-over.

I understand exactly what you mean.

Do you, Keats?

That's very imaginative of you.

Sir, two volumes

of the Anglo-American Trade.

And UK Balance of Payments,

And... I've also brought

you The Illustrated London News, sir.

For why, Keats, for why?

- The Queen's in it, sir.

- Hmm. That's good of you.

Er... sir, I often wonder whether

you're going to top your career

by doing a job on their house.

Keats, there are more things to life

than breaking and entering.

- Yes, Mr Bridger.

- While we're on the subject,

I notice that some of that young mob

in E Block

don't stand for the National Anthem,

at the end of the nightly TV.

Tell them to do so,

or they will incur my displeasure.

- Yes, Mr Bridger.

- Alright, be off with you.

Get the word to Camp Freddie.

Sir.

- Right then, Fred, come on.

- Wait a minute.

Take your filthy clothes, too!

This is my man, my territory,

and don't come back!

Charlie's been caught on the job.

OK, Charlie. Alright, where are you?

I know you're in here.

There's no use hiding.

- You had three birds in here.

- You didn't mind at the hotel.

That was a coming-out present.

I didn't get a chance to enjoy it.

I didn't enjoy it today, neither.

Coming in causing a fracas.

- Ask me where I've been.

- You've been with the law.

Yes, for taking the ambassador's car

and for not paying the hotel bill.

You deserted me!

Don't come the moody.

You know how the game is.

No, you left me to my fate.

- Usual one, was it?

- 24 hours in prison.

- It was humiliating.

- How did you get out?

The ambassador for Pakistan

was very sweet.

- Very sweet, was he?

- And so was the hotel manager.

Lorna, I knew you'd be alright.

No thanks to you, Charlie Croker,

I can tell you.

- Lorna, I was busy, wasn't I?!

- Oh! So I see!

So I came in here and saw!

I want you out.

If you don't think I mean it,

then you're wrong!

- Charlie! It's the law, Charlie!

- What did you tell them?

- Would I tell them anything?

- Of course you would.

Morning.

Hello, Croker. We've come

with Mr Bridger's compliments.

Sorry it's like this, Charlie.

Listen, lads, er... you wouldn't hit

a fella... with no trousers on.

- Would you?

- OK, then, put 'em on.

Get away from me!

- Have you seen Croker?

- Yes, Mr Bridger.

- Well, I want you to see him again.

- He won't take kindly to that.

- I'm interested in his scheme.

- But, Mr Bridger...

What you fail to realise

is that we have a new objective.

The Chinese are giving FIA four million dollars in gold,

as a down payment on a car plant

they're constructing near Peking.

But Croker...

Croker can handle it.

He's got everything going for him.

There's even a football match in

Turin the day before the delivery.

England versus ltaly. The English

supporters can cover his movements,

even help him, if required.

There's only one snag.

We need an expert in computers

to look after the technical end.

The top man is Professor Peach.

I've seen him on television.

- Tell Croker to get him.

- But how?

- Maybe the Professor's not bent.

- Camp Freddie,

everybody in the world is bent.

Well, my brother's no longer with us,

I'm afraid.

- No.

- You mean, he's...

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

Well, actually, he's in a home.

Yes. We thought it best.

For his own good.

Er... was it, er... serious,

Miss Peach?

- Pam.

- Serious, was it?

- What?

- Your brother. In the home.

Oh, yes, I'm afraid

it was quite serious, dear.

- Isn't this greenfly awful?

- Yes.

Yes, well, not to put

a too fine point to it,

he was discovered... in the lounge.

- Er... doing what, Miss Peach?

- Where?

- In the, er... lounge.

- Oh, yes, he was doing it. Yes.

What?

Oh. Well, something quite obscene.

With Annette.

- A net?

- Annette.

She was terrified, of course.

- Naturally.

- Yes, well, would you like some tea?

- Eh?

- Tea. Would you like some?

- You're very kind. Yes, please.

- Good.

Excuse me a minute.

Annette? Annette, would you serve tea

in the lounge, dear?

I shouldn't let her do that, dear.

That gives them ideas.

This is Annette.

Professor Peach,

do you see what I'm getting at?

Mmm. Your brawn, my brain.

I'm not stupid, you know.

Cooperation, isn't it?

Like that flagpole out there.

- Flagpole?

- The flagpole in the yard.

I know if there was a convex mirror

up there,

see straight into Matron's bedroom!

But somebody else

would have to be up the pole.

Couldn't do it myself. Cooperation,

you see? She's a big woman.

Here... Wait till you see

them Italian birds.

- Are they big? I like them big.

- They're enormous.

- Really?

- Very, very, very big.

Would we, er... wear stockings

over our heads?

- No need for you to.

- Oh. I'd like that.

I could steal one of Matron's,

couldn't I?

We'll have you out of here

in no time.

I wouldn't want to get Matron

into trouble. Not that way, anyway!

- She's big. Big!

- Look out the window, Professor.

- What?

- Look out at my car.

- Car? Wh-Wh-What car?

- Down there.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please, gentlemen. Please.

We are about to do a job in Italy

and I would like to introduce you all

to each other.

First, Bill Bailey.

He'll be my number two.

You all know Bill. He's just done

three years in Parkhurst.

As honest as the day is long.

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