The Jerk Theory Page #4

I think we ought to get out of here

before she sees us.

-"She"?

-What?

-You said "she."

-No!.

I always call a gang "she."

It's like when you call a boat "she"

or a hurricane "she."

Or a girl?

You can call a girl "she." That's just one

of the many things you can call "she."

Why are you smiling?

You're the fiirst person

l've ever had at my place.

Do you live here?

It's nice.

Did you decorate it?

I got this from the old Cup O' Pizza place

before they tore it down.

That was really good pizza.

This is the best pizza in a cup ever.

This guy's unbelievable. He ran the old

Cup O' Pizza guy out of business.

People come from all over to get this.

You know, you have beautiful skin.

May l?

So smooth and flexible.

I take after my mother's side of the family.

It's amazing the way it

just snaps back like that. Amazing.

-Are you a model?

-No.

I'm a cosmetologist.

Really? A cosmetologist?

That's unbelievable.

That's impressive.

It must be tough

to handle the weightlessness.

Can l ask you a personal question?

What is it?

Now be totally honest.

You do have a boyfriend, don't you?

Kind of.

I know this is our first date, but...

...do you think the next time

you make love to your boyfriend...

...you could think of me?

-I haven't made love to him yet.

-That's too bad.

Do you think it's possible that...

...someday...

...you could make love with me

and think of him?

Who knows?

Maybe you and he can make love

and you could think of me.

I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.

Do you have a girlfriend?

-Does it matter?

-I'd like to think you were available.

I'm available.

Did you forget about my ass?

No, l've been thinking about it.

She tattooed my name on her ass.

Not just my name. A lot of names!.

And funny things, too. She's got one

up here that says "Slippery when wet."

-How do you know that?

-What is she, some great piece of ass?

She's no great piece of ass!.

I mean, wait a minute.

We're all adults here.

Let's reason this out.

Marie's the type of person that if you got--

If this gash doesn't get out of here...

...l am gonna drive this bike up her butt!.

While Patti tends to be more direct.

As for you, farm boy....

We're married!.

And as for you, kewpie doll--

You protected me.

You must really like me.

"l know, l know

"You belong

"To somebody new

"But tonight

"You belong to me

"Although, although

"We're apart

"You're part

"Of my heart

"And tonight

"You belong to me

"Way down

"By the stream

"How sweet

"lt would seem

"Once more

"Just to dream

"ln the moonlight

"My honey, l know, l know

"With the dawn

"That you

"Will be gone

"But tonight

"You belong

"To me, just to little old me"

You know...

...while you were playing that just now...

...l had the craziest fantasy that l could...

...rise up...

...float right down the end of this cornet...

...right through here...

...through these valves...

...right along this tube...

...come right up against your lips...

...and give you a kiss.

Why didn't you?

I didn't want to get spit on me.

Was it good for you, too?

I really do want to kiss you...

...but l'm afraid.

-I would have kept my tongue in.

-No, l mean...

...l'm afraid if l kiss you...

...l'll fall in love with you.

You will?

And l don't want to.

You don't?

My mother sacrificed everything

to send me through cosmetology school.

She did?

She has this dream

for me to be something.

She does?

To marry someone with power...

...money, vision.

Someone with a special purpose.

I've got one!.

-I've got a special purpose!.

-You do?

Yes!. It's fantastic!.

It's great!. It's unbelievable!.

And l was afraid to tell you about it.

Your mother's gonna love me!.

Marie, are you awake?

Good.

You look so beautiful and peaceful...

...you almost look dead.

I'm glad because...

...there's something l want to say that's

always been difficult for me to say.

I slit the sheet, the sheet l slit

and on the slitted sheet l sit.

I've never been relaxed enough

around anyone to be able to say that.

You give me confidence in myself.

I know we've only known each other

for four weeks and three days...

...but to me, it seems like

nine weeks and five days.

The first day seemed like a week.

And the second day seemed like five days.

And the third day

seemed like a week again.

And the fourth day seemed like eight days.

But the fifth day

you went to see your mother...

...and that seemed just like a day.

But then you came back, and later...

...on the sixth day, in the evening,

when we saw each other...

...that started seeming like two days.

So in the evening, it seemed

like two days spilling into the next day...

...and that started seeming like four days.

So, at the end of the sixth day...

...on into the seventh day,

it seemed like a total of five days.

And the sixth day seemed like

a week and a half.

I have it written down, but l can show it

to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Anyway, l've decided that tomorrow...

...when the time is right,

l'm going to ask you to marry me.

If that's okay with you,

just don't say anything.

You've made me very happy.

"Oh, l'll see you again

"Whenever spring breaks through again"

Honey, sing!.

"Time may lie heavy between

"But what has been

"ls past forgetting

"This sweet memory

"Across the years will come to me

"Though my world may go awry

"ln my heart will ever lie

"Just the echo of a sigh

"Good-bye"

Honey, who's the happiest guy

in the world?

You are!.

That's right!. And who's the happiest gal?

That's right.

Honey, guess what?

l wrote a song for you this morning:

"Oh, l'm picking out a thermos for you

"Not an ordinary thermos for you

"But the extra best thermos you can buy

"With vinyl and stripes

and a cup built right in

"l'm picking out a thermos for you

"And maybe a barometer too

"And what else can l buy

so on me you'll rely

"A rear-end thermometer too"

Honey!. There's a question

l've been wanting to pop but...

...l've been afraid you'd say no.

But this seems like

the right time and place, so here goes.

Honey, will you marry me?

Come on, let's seal it with a kiss!.

Get in the tub with me!.

Not you, Shithead. Where's Marie?

What letter?

"Dear...."

Marie!.

Shithead!. Come here!. Good idea!.

Why did you leave me?

I couldn't read the letter!.

It was too blurry!.

Here, boy.

Where are you?

This is not going to be easy, Shithead.

We've been together a long time.

But l've got to head down that road.

There'll be times out there

when there won't be enough food for two.

And l won't be able to--

Wait a minute.

I'm not done yet.

Come back, l'm not finished.

I have some more to tell ya.

You'll find a family

who can give you a real home...

...with loving kids and a warm fireplace.

I never liked you, anyway.

Now get out of here!.

Okay, okay!. You win!.

You can go with me.

"And so, Mom, with my faithful dog

leading the way...

"...l'm out to win the hand ofMarie.

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