The Jerk Theory Page #5

"You'd love her, Mom. She looksjust

like you, except she's white and blonde.

"So, to win her back,

l've vowed to make something of myself.

"l settled in Los Angeles, took the money

l saved and rented my fiirst apartment.

"l haven't heard from Marie.

"Things couldn't be worse.

I can only send you 49 cents this week..."

-Bless his heart.

-That's a good boy.

"...as l've lost all my jobs.

"l've been eating well. The hospital

gives out free orange juice and cookies...

"...and all l have to do

is give them a pint of blood.

"l ate there all week, three times a day."

Pint of blood?

"l quit when l cut myself shaving

and nothing came out but air.

"l have to go now as someone

is staring at me through binoculars.

"Your loving son, Navin."

It's him.

Him.

What's him doing here?

Shithead!. Shithead!.

Attack!. Attack!.

Not me!.

Get off, Shithead!.

You're going to have to sign for this.

I have to sign before you shoot me?

I'm not gonna shoot ya!.

-Why not?

-That was the old me.

I was a little mixed up at that time.

Had a bad marriage,

and l just gave up smoking.

I'm okay now.

I'm a private detective.

-So long.

-Thank you.

"Dear Mr. Johnson...

"...please call on me, in Suite...

"...2655 at the Century Plaza Tower...

"...in Los Angeles.

"l have something ofgreat importance

to impart to you."

Navin!. Remember me?

-No, but don't feel bad.

-Fox.

Stan Fox!.

Remember the gas station?

Boy, you are one hard guy to find!.

You don't remember me.

The glasses handle!. Look!.

Yeah.

-My glasses handle.

-Use the Opti-Grab.

-"Opti-Grab"?

-Yeah, we call it Opti-Grab.

-Opti-Grab.

-"Opti," from the eye...

...and "grab," from where you grab it!.

Opti-grabbing it!.

Navin, my boy, we're in business!.

Fifty-fifty, just like we said.

Right in here l have your first check...

...for two hundred and fifty big ones.

Two-fifty?

That's just the beginning.

There's gonna be more. Lots more!.

Can l cash this?

You can do whatever you like.

It's your money. It's a cashier's check.

I can use money!.

Yes, l have a cashier's check,

and l'd like to cash it.

How much is it for?

Two hundred and fifty big ones.

Two hundred and fifty dollareenies.

That's two hundred and fifty doughnuts.

You want to cash this?

Well, l could take fifty of the doughnuts...

...and deposit the other

two-hundred beauties.

-Have a seat, Mr. Johnson.

-Thank you.

I will need two pieces of identification.

Yes. I have my

temporary driver's license...

...and my astronaut application form.

I didn't pass that, though.

I failed everything but the date of birth.

Didn't get the job.

Everything's in order.

If you'll just endorse this there.

-I need a pen.

-Pen. Okay.

-Right here.

-Thank you.

Fill out this deposit slip right there.

The endorsing and filling out

of the deposit slip.

Two-hundred and fifty...

...thousand--

"Dear Harry, guess what?

"l'm rich beyond my wildest dreams.

"But l haven't forgotten our deal.

Here's that postcard l promised you.

"l bet you thought you'd never get it.

"Your friend forever, Navin."

How do you like that?

He promised me a postcard,

and he sent me a postcard.

Kid has integrity.

Shithead, come on.

Hello? Yes?

Who? Mrs. Kimball?

You're Marie's mom!.

You read about me in the paper?

I've been trying to reach her,

l don't know where she is.

I'd give anything to find out.

Well, that sounds a little high.

How about $75?

Okay, what is it?

The May Company in Los Angeles.

Shithead!. I know where she is!.

I know where she is!.

Now, doesn't that feel good?

There now, we are complete.

Putting on Mask-O-Derm

just took a few minutes...

...and when we peel it off

he'll look 20 years younger.

Alevai.

Yes, exactly.

Now, we'll let this dry. In the meantime,

we can pick out an eye shadow and lip tint.

Everyone follow me this way...

...because this is a very interesting line.

I think you'll enjoy this.

With your husband's coloring,

a deep tone would bring out his lips.

This Nature Beige

will feature his eyes just wonderfully.

Let's try everything.

What?

Let's go unmask lrving.

Everyone, back this way.

We are now going to peel off

our Mask-O-Derm.

Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer

and he'll look like a different man.

You'll be amazed.

Get ready, lrving!.

This sh*t really worked.

My sweetheart.

What are you doing to my husband,

you Miss Blondie?

Irving, are you crazy?

"Dear Mom, the big news is:

Marie and l were married.

"We couldn't wait.

"We found someone at the Hollywood View

Apartments who could do it immediately.

"He was a certifiiedpriest.

"We were both glad

we had a religious wedding.

"Money hasn't changed our lives

that much.

"Our one little extravagance

is a live-in butler and housekeeper."

-Another check!.

-Just as l thought.

Look at that. Nearly $750,000.

With this kind of income, you could buy

a larger house with servants' quarters.

"Well, Mom, remember my dream

of owning a big house on a hill...

"...and how l used to wish for a living room

with a plaster lion in it from Mexico?

"And how l always wanted

a large 24-seat dining table...

"...in a dining room with original paintings

by Michelangelo and Rembrandt?

"And remember how l always wanted

a rotating bed...

"...with pink chiffon and zebra stripes?

"And remember how l used to chitchat

with dad about...

"...always wanting a bathtub

shaped like a clam...

"...and an offiice

with orange and white stripes?

"Remember how much l wanted an all red

billiard room with a giant stuffed camel...

"...and how l wanted a disco room

with my own disco dancers...

"...and a party room with fancy friends?

"And remember how much l wanted

a big backyard with Grecian statues...

"...S-shaped hedges,

and three swimming pools?

"Well, l got that too.

"Marie and l are getting along swell...

"...but l've got a lot to learn

about handling my money and banks.

"You have to be careful.

"Poor Hobart.

"His dear wife Hester took money

out of her savings account...

"...and had to pay a substantial penalty

for early withdrawal.

"Enclosed is this week's check.

Love, Navin."

Sorry about your wife, Hobart.

Federal regulations, sir.

Dear me.

Your wife has given you

another gold chain.

I'd nearly forgotten.

I suppose l'm still not quite

over Hester's death.

Well, these things take time.

Yes, so l'm told.

Here's your drink, sir.

Like the one you saw in the magazine.

You got the bamboo umbrella

and everything.

See that? "Be somebody."

Very good, sir. Very good.

There are some charity people here

to see you, sir.

No!. Send them away!.

There's a lot of people

more deserving than me!.

But these people want you to give.

Okay.

My name is

Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordoba.

Father, you seem like a religious man.

How can l help you?

By giving me three minutes of your time

so that you can see some film...

...of a great ugliness

that is spreading in my country.

God. I'll bet it's disgusting.

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