The Jerk Theory Page #6

-Hobart?

-Yes, sir?

Are you over your grief enough

to dim the lights?

Of course, sir. One can't mourn forever.

You will not believe

what you are about to see...

...that human beings

could have sunk so low...

...that they can take pleasure to do this

to another of God's creatures.

I hope you have a strong stomach, senor.

Roll the ugliness.

Good Lord. I've heard about this.

Cat juggling.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!.

Good.

Father, could there be a God

that would let this happen?

How much do you want?

If your initial investment is $500,000...

...and your apartments are up in March...

...you should have "x" amount of dollars

rolling in by the end of this year.

"x" amount. That's very good, isn't it?

You can depreciate the entire building

for the full amount.

Depreciate!. Very good. I like that.

And we've found a way to get around

this fair housing crap.

Good!. Getting around the crap.

That's good.

By keeping the rents high,

we'll appeal to a select class of people.

Select class. Very good.

We'll keep the eggplants out.

Good. We don't want any vegetables.

No. The jungle bunnies!.

Of course. They'll eat the vegetables.

Boss, could l talk to him?

We're gonna keep out the n*ggers.

The what?

The n*ggers. We'll keep 'em out.

-Yes.

-Sir...

...you are talking to a n*gger!.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

How could you know

that was "lron Balls" McGinty?

Escargot. Salad.

Would Monsieur care for another bottle

of the Chteau Latour.

Yes, but no more 1966.

Let's splurge. Bring us some fresh wine.

The freshest you've got.

This year's. No more of this old stuff.

Oui, Monsieur.

He doesn't realize he's dealing

with sophisticated people here.

Marie, just stay calm.

Don't look down.

Don't look down. Look up.

Keep your eyes up and keep 'em that way.

Waiter.

There are snails on her plate.

Now get them out of here

before she sees them!.

Look away!. Keep your eyes that way!.

You'd think at a fancy restaurant like this

you'd be able to keep the snails...

...off the food!.

There are so many snails in there

you can't see the food.

Remove them!. Bring me the cheese

sandwich appetizers you talked me out of.

Oui, Monsieur.

Can you believe this?

First they didn't have umbrellas

for the wine, now snails on the food.

Two b*obs. That's what he takes us for.

-Hi, honey.

-Hi, doll face.

Everything okay?

Remember how you told me

to take unnecessary lessons?

Well, l just took a lesson.

And a very good student too.

Adios, senora.

You took bullfighting?

No. Knife-throwing.

Knife-throwing's great!.

-I can almost do it.

-Well, let me see your stuff!.

Okay.

This is very good for a beginner.

This is exciting. I love this!.

Come on!.

-Turn sideways...

-Okay.

...and put a balloon in your mouth.

Do you have a balloon?

No. Wait. Yes!.

Okay.

Is it in your mouth?

Throw 'em good and hard, so they'll stick.

Okay.

One...

...two...

...three!.

Four, five, six!.

I missed.

Honey, you did good.

I can't do anything right.

Honey, you worry too much.

Come on. Let's flop this over

and look at it another way.

Do you realize that

in the past two short months...

...we have acquired the sophistication

it takes some people a lifetime to acquire?

Come on!.

Let's toast!.

Everybody, Navin's on TV.

Marie, it's Navin!.

Look, honey,

here's that interview you did on TV.

Shut off the music!.

Everyone, we're going to watch Navin

on the TV.

Sit down, sit down.

On the floor. Sit around.

American Time news magazine

turns its probing eye...

...on Navin Johnson,

the inventor ofthe Opti-Grab...

...that little glasses handle that sold

10 million units in a few short months.

Mr. Johnson, you've become

a millionaire overnight. Who are you?

Who is Navin Johnson?

Navin is a complex personality,

as are most ofthe...

...small breed of modern-day

renaissance millionaires.

We hadplanned to show you

the entire Johnson interview.

However, when we returned to our studio,

our news department informed us...

...ofa sensational development

in the Johnson story.

It seems that an irate group of citizens...

...led by the celebrity, Mr. Carl Reiner...

...has fiiled a class action suit

against Mr. Johnson and his Opti-Grab.

Here's what Mr. Reiner had to say

at a press conference:

When Opti-Grab came out

l thought it was the greatest thing ever.

And l bought a pair. And this is the result.

This little handle is like a magnet.

Your eyes are drawn to it...

...and you end up cockeyed.

Now, as a director,

l am constantly using my eyes...

...and this Opti-Grab device

has caused irreparable harm to my career.

Let me show you a clip

from my latest fiilm...

...where my faulty depth perception kept

me from yelling "cut" at the right time.

Cut!

Ifl had yelled "cut" on time,

those actors would be alive today.

That's why l am spearheading the

$10 million class action suit...

...against Mr. Johnson,

and his irresponsible selling ofa product...

...he didn't even test on prisoners!

-Thank you.

-Party's over!.

Wait a second. Where you going?

I'm gonna get in touch

with that Reiner guy.

I got some change upstairs.

We'll get some potato chips

and there's some beer up there.

We'll make it a less formal thing.

Let's find another party.

Honey!. Why the gloom?

This is not the end of the rainbow.

I'm Navin Johnson, inventor!.

This is no big deal.

This is a parking ticket to me.

Only instead of $5, it's $10 million.

I don't care about losing all the money.

It's losing all the stuff.

We're not gonna lose the stuff.

This is America!.

We're going to receive a fair trial

from an impartial jury!.

Your honor, we, the jury,

find for the plaintiff.

I award to Mr. Reiner...

...and the other 9 million...

...987 thousand...

...652 plaintiffs...

...the full amount of the suit.

Court is adjourned.

-Navin.

-Honey, can't you see l'm drinking?

Pay to the order of...

...Mrs. Wilbur Stark...

...one dollar and nine cents.

Pay to the order of...

..."lron Balls" McGinty...

...one dollar and nine cents.

Why are you crying?

And why are you wearing that old dress?

Because l just heard a song on the radio

that reminded me of the way we were.

-What was it?

-The Way We Were.

Look at us. We've hit bottom.

No!. Maybe you've hit bottom,

but l haven't hit bottom yet!.

I got a ways to go!.

I'm gonna bounce back, and when l do...

...l'm gonna buy you a diamond so big...

...it's gonna make you puke!.

I don't want to puke!. I don't want wealth!.

I just want you like you used to be.

What happened to that man?

Me?

What happened to the girl l believed in?

The girl l fell in love with?

The girl that believed in me?

There's plenty of places l can go...

...where people believe in me.

So go. The sooner you're out of my life...

...the sooner l can go back to being the girl

in this little flowered dress...

...that you sang the "Thermos Song" to.

Well, l'm gonna go, then.

I don't need any of this!.

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