The Kid & I

1

Today is a good day...

because I've got plans.

Big plans.

BILL WILLIAMS 3-6-1959 5-31-2005

You know they say,

that if you spend your last dollar

on the last day of your life...

it's perfect.

I have no... loose ends,

no job, no family, no friends.

But don't get me wrong...

I had a good run, I really did.

I was in love once,

even married for awhile...

but that didn't work out...

and, uh... I don't know

I think we grew apart.

Although my ex-wife would probably say

it had something to do with me...

hookin' up with one

of my skanky co-stars.

Which technically...

I wasn't 'cause we

were rehearsing a love scene...

in my trailer.

See I used to be an actor.

And I was proud...

of it. I even did a big movie,

with Arnold Schwarzenegger

and Jamie Lee Curtis once.

But, that was like eleven years ago so.

You know I planned every detail

of today perfectly.

I even wrote a letter

to the paper. You know.

Enclosed my last 8X10 just...

in case they wanna use it.

I wonder if they'll show me...

at the dead people Oscar montage.

That would be sweet.

And I've also donated

all my organs to science.

And then I will be cremated

immediately because,

I don't want any medical

students makin' fun of my penis.

You know. I think of things like that.

You want my clothes?

No, not these clothes.

I got some nice ones inside.

Do you want 'em?

Yeah I guess so.

Have a seat.

You know what? I'm not gonna need

these where I'm goin', either.

I'll be right out.

Here ya go. Here's some nice bedding.

Here are some clothes...

and a very nice watch.

Oh, thank you very much.

Good luck to ya man.

Hey what the hell?

Did you drink my vodka?

Oh-oh, was that yours?

You took half my pills!

Give me back my pills!

Can't.

Why?

I ate 'em.

You crazy bastard. That'll kill ya.

Go make yourself throw up!

I think I'll just ride it out.

I... I like to party.

Idiot.

Hi.

Am I in hell?

Not anymore.

And do you know why?

Because I pulled a few strings...

did my magic and you, sir, have a job.

Who are you?

Who am I? Not a good question.

It's Johnny.

Johnny? Say it with me, Johnny.

Johnny.

Yeah, Bernstein. Your agent.

Hello.

Hi.

Well are you gonna

get yourself outta there?

Come on.

Get your big self outta there.

Here we go. Whoa-whoa!

You are a whale.

Whoa! There ya go.

Okay, you know I think

it is so brilliant,

that you have laid so low

for such a long time.

What day is it?

Uh, June 3rd.

It is the best day of your life.

Hello?

All right, put it back in.

This is not good for your career.

Gotta get goin', man.

New tenants moving in - now.

Keys?

Keys are, uh,

in a envelope on the desk.

Come on!

So I got a job? How?

Who cares how it happened?

All you have to worry about is

get some exercise, take a steam...

a meaningful shower...

and you meet me at my office on Friday,

and I will fill you in. We are back.

Isn't that wonderful?

Yeah, don't forget that shower.

Look at that chin line. Huh?

Wow. Okay.

You can't sit there, Bill.

Go!

You wanna hear somethin' weird?

"Bill Williams, former husband

of award-winning producer-writer,

Susan Mandeville,

committed suicide Friday, May 31st,

at his home in Van Nuys, California."

I didn't know you were married.

It was a long time ago.

I almost forgot myself.

Do you need anything?

Could you hold my calls for

a minute, I have to finish this script.

Yeah.

Jesus.

I hate kids.

Those are my clothes.

They was your clothes, dude.

You gave 'em to me.

Well give 'em back.

Okay.

And I need my shoes, too.

Oh, man.

You don't wear socks?

Don't worry. My feet are

the cleanest part of me.

I thought you were homeless.

Well technically...

speaking that is my home.

I'm gonna need to crash here

for a couple nights.

I'll sleep in the cab and you...

can sleep in the back.

Then I need a ride... over to...

Wilshire and Doheny.

What if you're a criminal.

You're the one

that stole my drugs and alcohol.

Well that...

doesn't mean you can steal mine.

All right. One night, but that's it.

I got a gun.

Two nights.

One.

Two.

One.

Two.

One.

Two.

One.

One.

Two.

Okay. Two nights.

See I wasn't laying low.

I tried to call you for two years

and you wouldn't call me back,

so I finally gave up.

You know, it was

a b*tch to track you down.

I had to hire a PI. My own money.

You know how he found you?

Some prescription that you picked

up last Thursday at Drug Emporium.

You know, I-I never knew

that you were into the legal stuff.

I knew ya had a problem

and then you had no career.

No, no, no. See, I had no career

and then I had a problem.

Yeah, well, to tell ya the truth,

I didn't think you were gonna show up.

"Bill Williams, former husband

of award-winning producer,

Susan Mandeville,

committed suicide Friday, May 31st."

Those idiots.

Obituary editor, please.

Hello, this is Bill Williams

and I'm very pissed off.

First of all, there's no picture of me.

Yes, yeah-yeah...

I'm alive but listen...

- Bill.

- In my letter I specifically...

- Bill.

- Asked you not...

to mention my ex-wife in

the first paragraph.

- Yeah, h-hold on.

- See...

see if you can mention

your representation in the correction.

Okay, okay.

That's fine,

but next time I kill myself, get it right.

Someday you're gonna have to explain

this mishigaz to me, you know,

but not right now 'cause you got

a lotta work to do.

Does the name Davis Roman...

mean anything to you?

He's a billionaire.

Very rich. Very generous.

He has commissioned you,

you, Bill-to co-star

and write a motion picture.

You're kidding me.

I can't believe it either.

The man must be an idiot.

But he's a billionaire,

and he's got this son

who is a big fan-of yours!

This is his eighteenth birthday present.

First check. Half a million dollars,

I took out my ten percent, of course.

You get the other half

as soon as you finish filming.

Four hundred

and fifty thousand dollars?

What kind of movie do I right?

An action-comedy. All right.

You know, kind of like, um, uh,

True Lies. All right actually...

exactly like True Lies.

Is Arnold in it?

If they could get him,

you'd still be cocooning to

the oldies in your bathtub.

So who's gonna be my co-star?

This is brilliant.

Aaron Roman. His son.

So this eighteen

year old kid is gonna...

He's seventeen. He's gonna

be eighteen in a few months.

So he's gonna be

the ass-kicking action hero...

and I'm gonna be the dumb,

fat hyperactive sidekick.

Exactly.

I'm in.

Tomorrow we're gonna meet

at Davis Roman's office.

Here's his address.

Five o'clock sharp.

I'll be there. Okay.

I need to borrow forty bucks.

I just gave you

four hundred fifty thousand dollars.

Oh, I'll-I'll pay

you back soon as I cash this check.

Oh, I'm so sorry,

I've only got hundreds.

Denise?

Yes, Mr. Bernstein?

Bill Williams owes me

one hundred dollars. Write it down.

Got it.

Great news. I'm doin' a movie

and I need an assistant.

It pays five hundred dollars.

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