The Kid

I'm sorry. I can't seem to find

my purse. I must have ten of'em.

- Can you just ring mine first, please?

- There's someone ahead of you, sir.

I usually keep my change in

my little change bear, but...

That's almost interesting.

How much is hers?

- 5.26.

- Just add it on, please.

Hold on, hold on. If it's not

in this one, it'll be in another one.

- That'll be 9.65.

- Thank you very much.

- How sweet.

- You didn't have to do that for me.

- I didn't do it for you.

Check some bags next time.

Jerk.

- How can I help you, Governor?

- Some dirtbag...

dirtbag... from

the attorney general's office...

had dared to mention

the word "jail."

Waaah.

Waaah!

- Somebody call the "waaambulance"!

- What? What did you say?

Governor, do you know what the number

one killer of politicians

under the age of 60 is?

- No.

- Self-pity.

Now, Governor, I'll be more than happy

to help you out of this mess...

that you so willingly

seem to have stepped into.

- But you ought to do something.

- What's that?

- Stop crying.

- I'll try.

No, I mean right now.

You're giving me a headache.

Excuse me, folks,

anything more to drink?

- Do y'all have any single-malt scotch?

- Sure do.

So, what do you do for a living?

You wanna tell me about it? You know,

comfort of strangers and all that.

No.

Oh. Must be something

on the Internet.

Or finance.

Genetic engineering,

maybe, huh?

- I'm an image consultant, okay?

- Okay.

So you sort of

troubleshoot for folks?

You know, give 'em makeovers

when they need revamping, right?

Right.

Hey, look...

I'm flying to L.A. to start

an anchor job in the local news...

and I do not think that it's an accident

that I'm sitting next to you.

I see.

So the cosmic purpose...

of our meeting is for me

to give you free advice.

- What do I get out of it?

- We don't know yet.

But I'll owe you.

- If I do it, will you shut up?

- Quiet as the dead.

Your hair's too big, your brows

are too dark, your nails are too long...

and your foundation's too orange.

Your perfume's too sweet.

It's the news, honey, not the prom.

- I like your eyes...

- Oh. Thank you.

Bluer.

Try the tinted contacts.

But only when you're

anchoring or in L.A.

- When you're on assignment,

take them out.

- What about my accent?

I'm always being warned

to stop saying "y'all."

Don't ever stop saying "y'all."

Your "y'all" is your trademark.

Say "y'all," and you'll be

promoted in six months.

Say "y'all" with a smile,

you'll be famous in 12.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, will you please shut up?

All right, let me have him.

Hello, Your Honour. How are you?

Good. Thank you.

Define "not exactly alone."

Your Honour,

was this mannequin inflatable?

You know if the press...

Dodged one bullet.

Listen, this is all

gonna blow over.

Hey! Did you see the...

the...

Yeah.

Twelve cream pies are on

their way over to the stadium.

Bob Riley expects you

in the owner's box at 3:00.

Amy will meet you there.

And why are you wearing a yellow tie?

Janet. How could you know I'm wearing

my yellow tie? You can't even see me.

I can hear the stress

in your voice.

Whenever you're stressed,

you wear the yellow tie...

which makes you feel all-powerful,

so you're probably gonna yell at me...

which I'm not

in the mood for, so don't.

- Nice tie.

- I am not stressed.

There is nothing wrong with me. I just

didn't get enough sleep last night.

- Can I have today's work, please?

- Take your phone off.

You're with a human now.

I did the ones and twos.

There's a three, a four.

I flagged the five in your mail.

There's an eight on your desk to sign.

And there's a ten

standing in your office.

Why did you let him

in my office, Janet?

He threatened me with a machete.

He's your father, Russ.

Wait 60 seconds and come in

and tell me I'm late for something.

- I hate you.

- Fight fair.

- That's a nice photo

of you, uh, and Al De Niro.

- Robert De Niro.

Oh, it's a nice photo of you

and Robert De Niro.

Well, it would be,

except that's Al Pacino.

Oh.

So, Dad,

what can I do for you?

Did you get the cheque

I sent over this morning?

Yes, yes, I did.

But I didn't ask you for a cheque.

I asked you to come over

and help me lift a few things.

Well, time is money, Dad...

and my time is worth

a lot more than a mover's...

so I'm afraid the cheque

is gonna have to do.

Look, your sister and her family are

coming over for dinner tomorrow night.

You haven't seen your niece and nephew

in a long time.

- Uh, you may want some

of those things in the attic.

- Like what, Dad?

- Some more of my childhood memorabilia?

- You never know.

How many times in the last 20 years

that you lived in that house...

have I ever asked you

for anything, hmm?

Anything at all?

Um, you're late

for a very big meeting.

Dozens of irate and highly important

people are clamouring for you.

There is pandemonium,

I'm sure, somewhere...

and you really must go...

right now.

Good luck with the move, Dad.

Let me know how it goes.

Call Fred and see how the market closed.

Check the NASD AQ Bye.

That's perfect.

You look brilliant.

Completely and utterly gorgeous.

Don't look at me.

Look out there.

Have we signed a new client?

We made a bet. If I make him look

handsome, I get a free hot dog.

- You're going to starve.

- Not a chance.

- Thank you.

- My pleasure.

- Just don't share it with jerko.

- No way.

Watch your cholesterol, hot dog boy.

Let me have that for you.

Hey, I worked hard for that!

Amy, those hot dogs will kill you.

Besides, we're about to have

lobster in cream sauce.

I don't want lobster in cream sauce.

I want hot dog in mustard sauce.

Please stop biting your nails, Amy.

Nail. I only bite one.

Why do you care anyway?

I care because you work for me.

When you bite your nails,

you're advertising weakness.

Really? Advertising weakness

with one little nail?

- What's this advertise?

- Nice.

- Hi, Mike. Is he in?

- Waitin' for you.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hello.

- Hello.

- I haven't seen you in a couple of days.

- How have you been?

- Fine. Now can we go in?

No. This is the bit where you ask me.

We're very late.

I don't have time to...

Go on. Give it a whirl.

Hi, Amy.

How are you doing?

Fine.

We're really late.

Hey, the cavalry is here!

Russ Duritz to the rescue!

Here to save my sorry behind.

Josh, look after him.

- Good luck.

- Yeah.

Hi. I'm Josh,

Mr Riley's assistant.

- If you need anything...

- I do.

I need you to go up in the bleachers and

find me a dozen 8- to 12-year-old kids.

Eight boys, four girls.

Five white, four Latino, three black.

- Have 'em back here in three minutes.

- Okay.

I need to use

your Hi-8 for this one.

So why is everybody

busting my chops?

And the way I see this thing...

it's just a little

misunderstanding.

Okay, Bob, let me see

if I can explain to you...

how other people

see this little thing.

You see, to Joe Baseball Fan out there,

you're the guy that promised...

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