The Kid Page #2

you would give five percent

of each ticket sold this season...

to establishing a baseball camp

for inner-city kids.

You're also the guy that gave

pictures to the press of kids...

actually attending this camp

which, in fact, does not exist.

Yet. I was intending

to get around to it, uh, eventually.

- Ah.

- I am a very busy guy.

No, Bob, you're not a busy man.

See, what you are

is a "stoopid" man.

A very stupid guy

who only played Mr Charitable...

because you wanted to suck up

to city council...

so they'd build you

a brand new baseball park.

But guess what.

Bye-bye, ballpark.

Hello, jail.

- So what's your big plan?

- How do you feel about

chocolate cream pie?

Why? You gonna feed the kids cream pie

to get me out of this mess?

No. The kids are gonna feed you

cream pie and get you out of this mess.

- Huh?

- Bob...

prepare to be pied.

I deserve it!

More pie in the face!

Bob, the press

is gonna eat this up.

Amy, what do you think?

- Amy? Amy?

- You want to know what I think?

I think there's something

very creepy about all this.

Amy, Amy, I swear to you...

I will make sure that the editing of

this tape is handled tastefully, okay?

- I'm sure you will.

- No, I promise.

- We didn't do anything wrong today.

- No.

- We did the right thing by

our client, Bob Riley.

- I love him.

Russ, today we shamelessly

exploited innocent children...

just to help some crook

with his cash flow problems.

Are you gonna finish

this last piece of yellowtail?

Russ, you should be concerned

about this. You're turning 40 in...

- Thank you so much for bringing that up.

- You're at an age when...

- What, and you're not at an age...

Yes, we both are.

Well, we can't go around any more

talking about what we're going

to be like when we grow up.

We are up.

- Is that it?

- Yeah.

- You finished?

- Yeah, I'm finished.

Good.

Toshiya, if you get called

a jerk four times...

in the same day,

does that make it true?

- What, only four? Did you get up late?

- Excuse me.

- I'm asking Toshiya.

- Just four times, a pattern.

It have to be five times to be a fact.

- Thank you very much.

You see? There is hope.

- Jerk.

Thank you.

Yo, Pedro, make sure

this gets in the trash.

Yes!

That was fantastic! I can't believe

you just did such a fantastic thing!

Me neither.

I must really be stressed out.

Probably still in there.

You are not going

Dumpster diving to look for

that stinky, fish-encrusted tape.

You're right.

I shouldn't go in there.

I'm wearing a $2,000 suit.

Come on. I'll give you a boost.

Come on, come on, come on.

Distract yourself.

Honour your instincts.

Look at the moon. Look at it.

- What? Look at what?

- Look.

Isn't it lovely?

It's big, it's beautiful, it's...

revolving around the earth,

proving once again...

that the universe

does not revolve around you.

It's worth a look,

if you ask me.

Are you looking?

- I looked.

- Look again!

- Okay...

Okay! Amy...

Quit fooling around,

all right? I looked.

Now can we go?

- Come on, grumpy.

- Hey, will you stop?

I stopped.

I want to show you something.

Tell me if you think this is cute.

Oh! Look at the moon!

It's so big and round...

and when I look at it,

I'm all perky and excited and...

no one would ever know

that I'm almost 30! Ooh!

What do you think?

Cute or just stupid?

You know, Russ, just when I think

I've seen the worst...

that there's no possible way

you could be more of a jerk...

you outdo yourself.

And then...

just when I'm about to leave,

you do something.

Like tonight,

when you threw that tape away.

Then I get the tiniest,

briefest glimpse of the kid in you.

That's when I decide to hang around

for five more minutes...

see what happens next.

Bye.

Janet, I want you on the phone

with the alarm company first

thing in the morning, okay?

There is no way anybody

should ever get inside those gates.

Ever! As a matter of fact,

get 'em on the phone

right now, and you tell them...

- It's 3:
00 a.m.

- Janet, I don't care if

it's 3:
00 in the morning.

They're supposed to be

a 24-hour security service, okay?

I want the sensitivity

set on ten.

I want electrocution.

I want charred flesh. Do you understand?

- Write it down. Janet.

- "Charred flesh."

- Write it down!

It was probably just some neighbourhood

kid. I don't know why you're so upset.

- I'm not upset. I'm just mad.

- Okay. Mad. Not upset.

- You know, maybe we should get

a new security company, okay?

- Uh-huh.

I want rottweilers.

I want big, scary rottweilers.

I want the guy

who trains the rottweilers

to be afraid to come over here, okay?

- I want a moat with lava.

- "Moat with lava."

Trolls with that?

Evil ones?

No, Janet. No trolls.

- Hello? Uh. Russ. It's Dad. Uh...

- Hold on a second, Janet.

- Honey, I'm so sorry.

- I know I asked earlier...

but. Um. It'd be nice

to have you here for dinner.

I know Joanne and the kids

would love to see you.

And. Uh. Well. If your

schedule opens up...

- Janet, I am going to bed.

- Good idea. Me too.

I do not wish to talk to you

or anyone else...

on this planet

for the next three hours.

- Guess what. Neither do I.

- Goodbye.

"Rusty."

Dad, you are really

gettin' weird.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, stop! Stop!

Come back!

Come back here! Hey!

Gotcha! Ow! Ah!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Get it outta here!

Look out, idiot!

Move it, you jerk!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Uh, uh, good evening.

Uh, a kid just...

ran in here a moment ago,

and, uh...

Any of you see anything?

Can any of you see anything?

For we can fly

'Cause this kid who, uh,

was just here...

Up. Up and away

- He...

- See you later.

Hey! Officer!

The world's a nicer place

in my beautiful balloon

It wears a nicer face

Uh-uh.

Good morning, Doctor.

I'd like to get right to the point,

if you don't mind.

I've got a meeting in ten minutes.

You're entitled

to a 50-minute hour.

Thank you, but I only require

a five-minute hour...

or however long it takes you

to write a prescription.

I see.

Uh, we should talk about this.

Why don't you sit down.

No, thank you.

I don't want to sit down.

It all starts with sitting down.

You sit down,

and then before you know it...

twelve years has gone by,

and you're still talking about...

the time you saw

your mother naked in the shower.

You saw your mother

naked in the shower?

No! I'm just saying

I'm happy to stand, okay?

Look, I-I-I don't want therapy.

- I don't need therapy.

- Why do you feel that way?

Because I'm not like the other nutballs

that roll through here, okay?

I don't have a smoking problem.

I don't have a drinking problem.

I don't have a closet full

of ladies' undergarments.

Sit down, Mr Duritz, and tell me

what the problem is.

- No, you don't!

- Mr Duritz, I'm not trying to trick you.

I'm trying to understand

your issues.

Issue. Issue, singular.

Just one.

All right. What is it?

For the last few weeks...

I have been seeing

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