The King of Comedy

FADE IN:

1EXT:
MIDTOWN MANHATTAN STREETS - DAY

Behind the opening credits, we watch a montage of RUPERT

PUPKIN making his daily rounds as a messenger delivering

manila envelopes and packages to various New York offices,

always courteous and polite in his demeanor, PUPKIN is an

attractive-looking young man just past thirty and dressed

in a stylish blue suit, broad tie and wide-collared shirt.

His shoes are neatly polished, his hair carefully groomed.

As the montage continues, we see that he has finished his

deliveries and is walking rapidly towards his destination.

It turns out to be a television theater north of Times

Square whose marquee announces THE JERRY LANGFORD SHOW.

It is dusk and the show is about to break. There is a

very small crowd already positioned at the stage door --

a few young girls, a few curious passers-by who have

stopped to see who will emerge. Three professional

autograph hunters are clustered together:

MAE, a lady in her sixties, wears a red velvet dress, a

lace hat and much too much rouge.

SIDNEY is in his mid-twenties, tall, badly-complexioned,

slicked hair but otherwise neatly dressed. He carries

a brown lunch bag.

CELESTE is an enormously fat woman in her mid-thirties.

She wears a large cape to conceal her obesity.

A middle-aged MAN, dressed in a corduroy suit, emerges

from the backstage door which is guarded by a large,

white-haired POLICEMAN. The non-professionals in the

crowd just peer at the MAN but MAE immediately steps in

front of him with her autograph book raised.

MAE:

(to the MAN)

Are you somebody?

MAN:

No, honey, I'm just a working stiff.

The MAN keep walking and MAE returns to her cohorts

just as PUPKIN arrives.

MAE:

Hi, Rupert.

CELESTE:

(coolly)

Hello, Rupert.

SIDNEY:

Who did you get?

PUPKIN:

(distractedly)

Nobody.

PUPKIN carefully places himself near the door, a step or

two away from the other professionals.

MAE:

(to SIDNEY)

I got Mr. Raf Vallone outside 21.

CELESTE:

(to SIDNEY about PUPKIN)

He'd never tell you anyway, Sidney.

MAE:

Then I got him again at the

Pierre at four o'clock.

SIDNEY:

Be a dear, Mae. I don't happen

to have Mr. Vallone.

MAE:

You know what I want for him.

SIDNEY:

But I have only six Barbra's left.

You know how difficult she is to

work with.

MAE:

I don't have her even once.

CELESTE:

(to MAE)

Maybe Rupert would help you.

PUPKIN shoots a hostile glance back at CELESTE.

SIDNEY:

Would you do that, Rupert? You don't

feel about Barbra the way I do.

MAE:

I'll give you Mr. Burt Reynolds too.

CELESTE:

(needling RUPERT)

Look, Sidney, Rupert doesn't do

that sort of thing.

SIDNEY:

How about it, Rupert? I'll give

you whoever you want.

SIDNEY starts pulling little white cards out of his paper

bag and reading them off.

SIDNEY:

Rodney Dangerfield ... Richard

Harris ... Liza Minelli ... and

she's not so easy to work with

either ... Louise Lasser!

CELESTE:

You're wasting your time.

PUPKIN has been trying to remain apart from the other

three. Finally he turns to SIDNEY.

PUPKIN:

Look, Sidney. I'm just not

interested. This isn't my

whole life, you know.

CELESTE:

What's that supposed to mean --

that it's my whole life, or

Sidney's or Mae's?

MAE:

It is so my whole life.

CELESTE:

Shut up, Mae. What about your

mother? Isn't she part of

your life?

MAE:

It's her whole life too.

The show breaks. The doors swing open and people pour out.

The crowd around the backstage door swells.

POLICEMAN:

(to the crowd)

If you want Jerry's autograph, give

me your piece of paper and I'll

send it backstage.

A number of people in the crowd hand in pieces of paper.

PUPKIN is standing next to a young couple, about college

age. The YOUNG GIRL has just sent in her paper.

PUPKIN:

(to the GIRL)

What are you going to do with

Jerry's autograph?

YOUNG GIRL:

I don't know. Maybe I'll sell it.

BOYFRIEND:

I'll tell you what she's going to

do with it. She's going to pin

it on her bulletin board and

have an orgasm.

The YOUNG GIRL laughs unself-consciously.

CUT TO:

LANGFORD's limousine waits directly in front of the stage

door. MAE has engaged the CHAUFFEUR who stands at the

door of the car in conversation.

CHAUFFEUR:

(wearily)

No, Mae.

MAE:

I don't mean now.

CHAUFFEUR:

No, Mae.

MAE:

I'll get right out.

The CHAUFFEUR, smiling, shakes his head.

CUT TO:

A plain-looking GIRL in a black raincoat and black, floppy

hat stands on the street side of the limousine,

carefully watching MAE and the CHAUFFEUR talk.

CUT TO:

MAE:

But I've never been in one.

We hear a cry as a celebrity emerges from the backstage

door. MAE turns and goes back towards the door.

CUT TO:

The POLICEMAN is handing out the autographs. Suddenly

LANGFORD emerges, flanked by three PAGES, husky young men

in their early twenties dressed in theater uniforms.

There is screaming and some yelling of LANGFORD's name.

LANGFORD pays no attention. Smiling nervously, he makes

his way towards the limousine. The CHAUFFEUR stands at

the rear of the car, holding the door. LANGFORD enters

the car and then suddenly springs back. The GIRL in the

black raincoat and black hat has hidden herself in the

back seat of the limousine. The three PAGES, who have

already turned and headed back toward the theater, hear

the commotion and swing around. The GIRL, who we shall

come to know as MARSHA, hides herself in the far end of

the limo, so two of the PAGES go around to the far side

of the car and start pulling her out while the third PAGE

moves into the limo from the street side. She fights

like a wildcat, but the PAGES slowly manage to drag her

out. During the struggle, LANGFORD stands amid the crowd,

a bit shaken. PUPKIN stands next to him, staring at him.

When finally catches LANGFORD's eye, PUPKIN smiles

pleasantly.

PUPKIN:

(to LANGFORD who

barely listens)

How the hell did that girl get in

there? Jesus, they certainly

don't give you very good protection,

do they?

LANGFORD says nothing, glancing nervously at PUPKIN.

PUPKIN:

Look at you here. Who the hell

is watching you? Any one of

these freaks could just walk

right up to you and do whatever

he wants.

A couple YOUNG GIRLS are pressing against LANGFORD.

FIRST GIRL:

Oh, Jerry. How can we get to

talk to you?

PUPKIN:

Just a minute. This is crazy.

PUPKIN straightens up for action.

PUPKIN:

(yelling at the crowd)

Okay! Stand back!

PUPKIN wades through the crowd towards the limousine,

pushing SIDNEY and MAE among others out of the way.

LANGFORD follows in the path PUPKIN is clearing.

PUPKIN:

Didn't you hear me?!? Come on,

people, have a heart.

The PAGES have succeeded in pulling the GIRL out of the

far door of the limo just as PUPKIN and LANGFORD arrive

at the near door. The CHAUFFEUR has been blocked by the

crowd from opening the door so PUPKIN opens it.

PUPKIN:

Stand back! (To LANGFORD) Go ahead,

Jerry.

LANGFORD slips in quickly. He looks up at PUPKIN who is

holding the door, smiling pleasantly.

LANGFORD:

Thanks. Thanks very much.

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