The King of Comedy Page #13

RITA:

I'm sure they'll be thrilled hearing

about the wonderful world of draft beer.

(pause) Let's tell 'em I'm a model,

okay?

PUPKIN:

What?

RITA:

If they ask what I do, let's just say

I model. You don't mind pretending

just a little, do you?

PUPKIN:

If it make you feel better.

There is a pause.

RITA:

This is a gas! Too bad nobody'll

believe it. (pause) After you guys

are done working, what happens? Are

we going out someplace, or what?

PUPKIN:

I'm sure Jerry has something arranged.

There is another pause.

RITA:

What do these people do for fun?

Do they party or do freaky things

or just get drunk or ... I mean,

What do they do?

PUPKIN:

I guess they just sit around and talk

and enjoy each other's company, like

anybody else.

RITA:

Talk?!? What can you talk about

for three or four hours?!

PUPKIN:

What do you mean? They've got plenty

to talk about. They do things. All

kinds of interesting things happen

to them and then they talk about them.

What do you think Jerry's show is all

about?

RITA:

Yeah, a cocktail party with no drinks.

That's what all those shows are. At

least they help you get to sleep.

There is a pause.

RITA:

(glumly)

Boy, this is going to be some great

weekend. I thought we were gonna

have some fun.

PUPKIN:

(smiling)

Just take it easy, Rita. Everything's

going to be fine.

WE MOVE IN for a CLOSE-UP of PUPKIN who is fading out.

FADE TO:

63EXT:
A NEO-CLASSICAL MANSION

It is a large white house with colonial columns set in the

middle of a palatial estate whose rolling lawns are

punctuated with fine old trees. We circle around to the

back where LANGFORD, a handful of his FRIENDS (which can be

familiar television celebrities) and PUPKIN and RITA are

just finishing a lavish lunch on the patio. A pair of

SERVANTS are clearing the table and serving the coffee and

desert as the scene unfolds. As we arrive, we hear a loud

burst of laughter. PUPKIN is regaling the COMPANY with

stories.

PUPKIN:

Oh, you have no idea how bad it's

gotten in New York. Now the muggers

are so efficient that, each time

they jump you, they take your name

and address and put you on a mailing

list. (the COMPANY chuckles) And

once you're on the list, you're in

real trouble, like this friend of

mine who was mugged thirty-two times

on his way home from work. (a little

laughter from the COMPANY)

A SERVANT places the desert, a little, elegant tart, in

front of PUPKIN and RITA.

PUPKIN:

(to SERVANT)

Thanks.

The SERVANT smiles. As PUPKIN continues his story, he

glances occasionally at RITA who has begun to nibble at her

tart. PUPKIN also glances conspiratorially at LANGFORD

who smiles back.

PUPKIN:

So what my friend does is get himself

a dog, one of those huge German

Shepherds. One night, he's walking

the dog in Central Park when he hears

this voice behind him. (in a German

accent) Okay, Harry, drop your

vallet and keep your hantz over your

head or I bite your little fanny off.

The COMPANY breaks up.

ONE GUEST:

(to LANGFORD)

Looks like you've found yourself a

winner, Jerry.

LANGFORD:

(looking at PUPKIN)

He's the one who found himself

a winner.

RITA looks up, smiles and blushes. The rest of the COMPANY

smiles benignly and grows attentive as RITA returns to

eating her tart. Suddenly she bites down on something

hard. She fishes it out of her mouth and looks at it. The

COMPANY giggles. It is the ring PUPKIN purchased at

Cartier's. The COMPANY applauds lightly and laughs.

LANGFORD lifts his wine glass.

LANGFORD:

To Rita and Rupert -- a short engagement

and a long, happy marriage.

The COMPANY drinks with murmurs of "Hear! Hear!" RITA

and PUPKIN beam. RITA looks lovingly at PUPKIN.

A SECOND GUEST:

(the PUPKIN)

Have you set a date?

PUPKIN:

(looking pointedly at LANGFORD)

Oh, yes.

A THIRD GUEST:

I hope we're all invited.

PUPKIN:

Everyone's invited.

CUT TO:

64INT:
THE LANGFORD TELEVISION STUDIO

The theater is packed. World Series bunting hangs from the

balcony and the front of the stage. We hear RICK ROSS and

the ORCHESTRA strike up Mendelssohn's Wedding March. Down

one aisle walks RITA, accompanied by the MAN whom PUPKIN

hit over the head at the bar. Down the other aisle marches

PUPKIN, accompanied by LANGFORD. The AUDIENCE cheers

wildly. The two COUPLES walk to the stage where a white-

haired OFFICIAL awaits them. BERT CANTER stands at his

side. PUPKIN and RITA disengage from their ESCORTS and

stand before the OFFICIAL. The music stops and the

AUDIENCE grows quiet.

OFFICIAL:

We are met here in these extraordinary

circumstances to join this man and this

woman in holy wedlock. But, before we

begin, let me voice a personal word

of thanks to you, Rupert and to you,

Rita, for choosing me to perform this

prestigious ceremony. Because we are

on prime time, I am going to discard

my customary remarks in favor of a

few personal reflections. When I was

principal at Clifton High and these

two were students, I had very little

faith that Rupert here would amount

to very much. But like his teachers

and his fellow students, I underestimated

this fine young man. Some say that

this misjudgment is directly tied to my

recent dismissal as head of the Clifton

School System. But let me take this

opportunity to set the record straight.

Knowing that Rupert and Rita here were

most certainly destined for a great

career and a lifetime of happiness,

I voluntarily stepped down. I would

only here add my own wishes to those

of millions of viewers for their

continued health, wealth and

boundless success.

The OFFICIAL looks quickly past RITA and PUPKIN.

OFFICIAL:

We'll be back to marry them in a minute,

right after this word.

FADE TO:

65 INT:
THE TRAIN - DAY

PUPKIN and RITA are seated as they were. We hear the

CONDUCTOR calling.

CONDUCTOR'S VOICE

Greenwich. Greenwich next stop.

Greenwich.

PUPKIN and RITA grab their small suitcases and quickly move

down the aisle towards the door.

CUT TO:

66INT:
A SUBURBAN TAXI - DAY

RITA is peering out the window. PUPKIN is still lost in

thought.

RITA:

Look at that one. How'd you like to

live in that?!?! Or that one! What

do you figure these run?

The taxi stops in front of a walled lot behind which is

visible a handsome English stucco home.

PUPKIN:

(to DRIVER)

What's this?

DRIVER:

This is it.

RITA:

It's gorgeous!

PUPKIN is genuinely puzzled.

PUPKIN:

(to DRIVER)

You sure?

DRIVER:

Look, friend, I wouldn't want to

tell you how many times I made this

trip. (pause) That'll be three

seventy-five.

PUPKIN, still puzzled, hands him a five dollar bill.

PUPKIN:

(abstractedly)

Keep it.

The DRIVER gets out and puts PUPKIN and RITA's bags,

which he had stacked on the front seat, onto the sidewalk.

DRIVER:

Thanks. If you need a ride back,

just ask the guy for Wayne. That's me.

The CAMERA PULLS BACK as PUPKIN opens the gate and he and

RITA walk up the drive.

CUT TO:

67EXT:
LANGFORD'S HOUSE - DAY

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