The King of Marvin Gardens

I promised that I would tell you...

why I never eat fish.

When we all moved in

to my grandfather's house, it...

somehow fell to me...

to keep the old man's mind off of things.

We would play casino

over an old card table.

He never let me win.

One time he put one

of those tiny model trains...

into my hamburger.

He was a practical joker.

I broke my tooth on it.

On Friday evenings

we had fish at our house.

Every Friday.

Not on religious grounds...

but because Grandpa was a fish enthusiast.

"Keeps you from going blind,"

he would say...

even though the bones

always got caught in his throat.

My brother and I would sit

next to one another...

waiting for his terrible coughing to begin.

Then one of us would be

dispatched to the kitchen...

to get a flat heel of bread

to clear the bones.

He'd gulp it down, and slowly

his coughing would diminish...

and then everything would be quiet again...

and we would go on with the meal

as though nothing had happened.

One Friday my parents went out...

leaving my brother and I alone...

to serve ourselves and Grandfather.

Mom left the fish warming on the stove -

breaded sole.

The bread crumbs only helped

to conceal the bones.

When the inevitable coughing began...

my brother and I just sat...

and looked at each other...

not moving.

Grandfather's eyes got wide.

His face became contorted and red...

his arms flailing about.

I raced to the kitchen and back...

with a flat heel of pumpernickel.

Grandfather reached out for it

convulsively...

but...

I...

handed it to my brother instead...

and... he...

back to me.

Grandfather pitched...

face forward onto the dining room table

and then... back...

knocking his chair over...

pulling the tablecloth...

silverware, mashed potatoes...

fish, stewed tomatoes

with peppers and onions -

all of it -

on top of him.

Heaped on the floor...

behind the table, he...

looked like the... remains...

of some chaotic dinner party.

My brother took the incriminating

pumpernickel from my hand...

and, uh -

- [Quiet Clicking]

- stuck it...

into Grandpa's fingers.

[Clicking Continues]

I think at that moment...

my brother and I

became accomplices forever.

"Don't ever say a word about this," he said.

"Just go to bed and pretend...

that you're asleep."

The next morning...

my parents explained to me that, uh...

Grandpa had gone away on business...

and had left me a very special...

kiss good-bye.

[Switch Clicks]

- [Classical]

- Are you out of your mind?

I'm sorry, Dave.

The guy said it was an emergency.

I don't care what the story is.

I'm on the air.

Anything you say. I'm sorry.

- [Stops]

- Enough talk.

Let's hear our theme

all the way through tonight.

Until Wednesday, then,

this has been Etcetera...

and I have been your host,

David Staebler.

- [Resumes]

- [No Audible Dialogue]

[Continues]

- Eight minutes of theme?

- Who called?

I don't know. He said he'd call back.

I'm gonna tape at home for Wednesday.

Maybe for from now on.

Blinking lights, urgent telephone calls.

I'll mail you the cassette.

Hey, Dave, you know

nothing gets past me when you're live.

The guy said it was an emergency.

There is no emergency

can't wait till I've signed off.

Yeah, I know. I know.

- [Sighs] What's the difference?

- I know.

If you don't mind hanging around,

I'll buy you coffee.

I've got another appointment.

Some other time, okay?

Okay, Dave.

[Coughs, Sniffles]

Frank.

It's not your fault. Sorry.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Hey, Dave!

Are you comin' in Wednesday?

Are you gonna mail in the show or what?

[Coughing]

[Chattering, Laughing]

[Coughing Continues]

[Coughs]

[Conductor]

Next! Ho!

[Train Approaching]

[Clinking]

[Clinking]

[TV:
Indistinct]

[Woman On TV]

And up and down.

Down, down, up and down.

Two, three, and bring it back.

...helps strengthen the arch and our butt.

[Continues, Indistinct]

[Mimicking Coughing]

Ready. And up. Down.

There are 39 stations to choose from -

A.M. and F.M. -

plus television.

If you don't like my stories,

you don't have to listen to my program.

Jason called.

Person to person, after midnight.

I gave the operator

your number at the station.

Well, he didn't get through.

Oh, he'll get through.

[Chuckling]

He'll get through.

[Woman On TV]

Bend up and down.

And I never stuck a model train

in your hamburger.

It was a cricket from a Cracker Jack box.

Up and bounce, bounce.

[Children Chattering]

What's going on?

- It's your brother again.

- Jason?

- [Coughing]

- He made me wake you.

- What's he want?

- He says, uh -

He made me write it down.

Let me see it.

"Get your" -

What's it say?

It says, "Get your ass down here fast.

Our kingdom has come."

Where's he calling -

Geez, I got pins and needles.

- Where's he calling from?

- Oh, blood's not circulating.

- Jersey.

- Jersey.

- Down at the shore.

- Okay.

What time is it?

Let me see.

- 1:
30.

- Damn it.

You woke me up, Jason.

[Train Horn Blowing]

[Man Over P.A.] Train arriving

from Philadelphia, track one.

Train arriving from Philadelphia,

track one.

[Steam Hissing]

Welcome, Davey!

We're not really ready yet.

I mean, it was supposed

to be a whole lot better, you know...

but things don't always work out

as you plan, right?

And if you love Jason -

I'm Sally.

I would tell you that I've

heard so much about you...

but I absolutely detest clichs.

Listen, I would like to see my brother.

I'm sure you can understand, I'm -

Oh, Davey, he was supposed to be here.

David. Okay? I mean, it was nice of you

to come down and everything...

but, uh, no one's

called me Davey in 10 years.

Naturally you're irritated.

But is it my fau -

Oh, just a minute.

They're here. Hold on.

Fine.

Okay, just this little row.

Make a straight line.

Okay, you know the song, right?

You got the song?

Now, on the downbeat, okay?

By the sea, by the sea

By the beautiful sea

You and me

You and me

Come on, Davey. Jason's waiting.

[Humming]

[Humming Continues]

That's all, boys.

[Men Chattering, Laughing]

[Chuckling]

You look like a priest in that wardrobe.

- [Chattering Continues]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on!

Give me a break here now, huh?

Same old David, huh?

You notice how it's Monopoly out there?

Remember Boardwalk,

Park Place, Marvin Gardens?

- Go directly to jail?

- Well, that's me.

Don't pass go, don't collect $200.

Jason, is there something I should do?

Yeah.

Give me your pen.

I'm gonna give you an address.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Come on, now!

Give me a break!

[Chuckles]

My brother's in town! All right. Wow.

I'm giving you an address here.

It's about a five

or a 10-minute jitney ride.

When you get there,

ask for a man named Lewis.

- Lewis.

- Right.

Tell him you're my brother, and I want

my ass out of here before sundown.

Nothin' on the record.

[Chuckles]

And be... polite.

Then meet me on the boardwalk.

Take in the sights, look around.

I'll find you. Hmm?

[Wind Whistling]

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