The Kings of Summer

Joe!

Joe! Joe!

You've been in there

for 54... 55 minutes, Joe!

Masturbation is fun.

I get it.

It's not very green to do it

with the shower running.

Jesus!

Bring your briefs

in there with you.

You're 15 years old.

It's not cute anymore.

Got his mother's fanny.

Your final was due

a week ago, Joe.

I mean, look...

look at the board.

School's over.

We're playing hangman here.

There you are.

Hey.

So, are you guys around tonight?

Because you should totally come

to Thirsty Thursdays.

- End-of-school tradition.

- Yeah. Yeah, totally.

- I'll... I'll be there.

- Cool.

So it's at Wolf's Pond,

whenever you...

Oh... my God.

Eat sh*t, Toy!

I can lend you a shirt.

I've got like five

in my locker.

You know what, actually,

it doesn't look that bad.

So, pregame at Paul's

at like 7:
00-ish.

Paul has his own apartment?

What, you're not

going to acknowledge me?

- Hi.

- Mmm. Yeah.

Um, I will see you tonight.

Yes. Yeah, uh...

- Babe.

- Yes?

Let's go get egg bagels.

Okay. All right. Bye.

Paul. God.

I need a shirt.

That's awesome.

That is... that is great.

Actually, I need a picture.

Sh*t, can I get my phone?

Hey. Mrs. Keenan?

Shh!

Patrick, why are you

running around?

Oh... Grandma,

you remember Joe.

Hi, Mrs. Keenan.

Darling, would you

like a cold washcloth?

What? No. No washcloth.

How about you, Joseph?

Actually, yeah, I would...

I'd love a washcloth.

No, Mom, sit. What the hell?

What the hell is happening?

My mom reminds me of Blanka.

That's the sound I hear

whenever she speaks.

Just the gibberish

of an undisciplined animal.

It's never going to end.

Even when I'm

an adult, she'll find me,

question me.

You're being a little

dramatic, I think.

Joe, they're giving me hives.

There's no way

that they can give you hives.

Holy sh*t.

Hey, kiddo.

Round two. Fight!

- What, Dad?

- Should be a stud here.

Oh, what's all this?

Carol's going to be here in 30.

- Go wash up.

- Uh, Dad, you know, um,

I actually just realized

I have a party tonight,

so I'm not going to be

able to make it

for dinner and stuff.

Sorry.

Too bad.

The plans are already made.

Your sister's driving

all the way in.

I'm making lamb stew.

Are we in Beowulf?

Look, after dinner,

I was thinking

we might bring back Game Night.

It'll be fun.

Game... Game Night's

a family thing, Dad.

I'm not going to play Game Night

with some spider woman

you found in the gutter.

Carol is not a spider woman

that I found in the gutter, Joe.

She's a very nice lady

who happens to like me.

And I like her.

So, we haven't played Game Night

since Mom died, and then,

all of a sudden, you meet

some floozy and expect...

Enough! Enough, Joe.

This is not a debate.

My house, my rules.

Now, go get ready.

So, Joe,

your dad told me

that you go

to Tottenville.

Are you on any teams?

Carol, before we go any further,

you should know...

Frank is not my real father.

I love him,

and I owe him a lot.

You know,

he's very special to me,

but he's not my blood.

Is that true, Frank?

That's completely untrue.

I'm taking Ventnor.

Frank, the lamb

was delicious.

Just so tender and...

it was like I was

chewing avocado meat.

I'm not sure I know

what you're saying, Colin.

Avocado meat.

Heather, do you remember

when Dad quit because, um,

you wouldn't

trade him B&O?

- Remember that?

- Oh... oh, do I remember

when my own father called me

a "fear-mongering Chinaman?"

Yeah, I do... mostly

'cause I'm not a man.

Nor am I Chinese, so...

Oh, my God, what a panic.

That's something

my great-grandfather would say.

He's a racist.

You do that often?

Eat the hamburger

and then the fries?

You don't...

you don't mix it up?

I don't know, Dad.

Just asking.

We watched

a very good movie

on the cable last night.

- Mmm.

- Oh, honey, what was it called?

It had that guy

in it, that actor...

- What was it?

- What's his name?

Called, uh, Heimlich, the...

Yes, yes! With, uh,

what's-his-name.

The Prince,

the... the New Prince.

Will Smith?

Will! Yes. Will Prince.

- Will Prince.

- Oh, my gosh, what does he play?

- Superhero? -Oh, he plays

a superhero in this one.

Kind of a supe...

Not a cape, though.

- Yeah, it's called Heimlich.

- The darnedest thing.

Come on.

You want to be my buddy?

Yes. I would love that.

Tennessee for Park Place.

Right now, straight up.

Done.

You got it.

What? No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- The men are talking, Joseph.

Pipe down. - Yes. Quiet.

Quiet, everybody,

except for the men.

- We're in command of the room.

- This is bullshit, Dad.

You're pricing me

out of the goddamn game.

Your roll, JoJo.

This is collusion.

Dad, come on.

Yeah, it's

kind of cruel, Frank.

No, no.

He's just mad because he

doesn't want to be here,

so he's being a little sh*t.

- Oh, great.

- Oh, no.

Joe, don't go.

He's quitting.

That's nice work, Dad.

He'll be all right.

Let him walk it off.

Patrick, have you been

washing that foot every day?

Because moisture can get trapped

in there from the brace.

That's what killed

Jim Henson, you know.

Oh...

What the hell

are we talking about?

Ooh, Patrick,

can you whistle?

I like it when you harmonize

with me on the whistling.

- Patty, where you going?

- Got to go potty?

Oh, sh*t, he's doing it.

Joe!

Joe!

Joe...

Yeah, I'd like

to report a theft.

Goddamn it!

Yeah, his name is Frank Toy.

Brown hair, uh, height unknown.

I'll call you back.

You son of a b*tch.

But...

The problem with Joseph's habit

is that one day there will be

an actual emergency

or violent crime

coming from this house.

Yeah, well,

the night is still young.

Uh, Mr. Toy, are you familiar

with "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?

Yes. I experienced a childhood

on the planet Earth, so...

yes, I've heard

of that one.

Do you think you can

apply it to my situation

in an allegorical fashion?

Okay. It's a...

- a story that involves

a boy who... -Ah, ah, ah...

- constantly cries "wolf."

Stop.

And when the wolf finally

comes... He doesn't know it.

- I'm sorry, "The Boy

Who Cried" what? -Wolf.

- F*** you.

- Let's go.

- "The Boy Who Cried" what?

- Stop talking.

- Wolf.

- Get the f*** off my porch

before I knock your dick

in the dirt.

- Come on, let's go. -I don't see

what the problem was.

- Why are you yelling at me?

- What's next? Three Little Pigs?

It gets easier.

Okay? Honest. I swear.

Look at it this way:

In two years,

he's going to pay

for you to leave.

Yeah.

Uh, look,

this may sound desperate,

but I am 100% lucid, okay?

Don't smile, 'cause I'm...

- Don't.

- No, this is very serious.

- I am serious.

- I'm taking you so seriously.

I can be packed in 15 minutes.

Just take me with you

to Granville.

Please.

Okay, I would.

Totally would, but...

Dad would want to come

visit us all the time,

and that just

wouldn't work for me.

- You're lame.

- So...

take it easy on him.

- You're getting so handsome.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- I love you.

- Hey, don't you touch me.

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