The Knot

Okay, can you give me a level?

Just talk into the mic,

Say something about life.

I grew up in London

and one of my best friends

thinks marriage is an illness.

Well, he sounds

like a smart chap, doesn't he?

Right, uh, we're set.

This is all very professional.

Did Jeremy see all this?

Hold on, is this how it's gonna work?

You ask me a question

and then interrupt me?

Sorry, do you want me

to do my job or not?

Well, I was hoping it might be

a little bit more fun.

The big day!

- I know!

Why are you doing it?

That's a weird opener, but, okay, um...

This is the way I do it, Jeremy.

Look, you are welcome, of course,

to find whole host of amateurs

that will, uh, charge you through the roof,

if you want it done the normal way.

This is beneath you, isn't it?

Asking me, as a local community TV,

award-winning, documentarian

on the life of garden insects,

to film your wedding video means,

I presume, is out of respect,

and not because I work in television,

therefore I can hold the camera

whilst everybody else enjoys the day.

Which means?

Yes, Jeremy, it is beneath me.

Marriage is more than just a commitment,

it's...

a declaration of love to the whole world.

So you're not worried

about a loss of identity?

Mrs... What will it be?

Giddings.

I'm not here to justify myself, am I?

You are Jeremy.

it's called a documentary.

It's a wedding video!

I knew I should have just booked

someone online.

- Ah, so you don't respect my work?

- Oh...

This is going to be

an expensive lesson, isn't it?

It'll be our wedding gift.

Was Helen this mean to Alex?

- Her normal professional self.

- Oh, God.

Doesn't it feel like society,

the media, politicians,

they're all pushing you towards this

for their own agenda?

Um...

No.

Can we take a break?

No, Jack, that's too far, no.

Come on, wait! Where are you...

Where are you going?

Wound-up and unsettled

at exactly eight minutes.

Nineteen minutes! Damn!

I know if you've won,

I will never hear the end of this, will I?

Here we find the creatures

known as the Ralphus, sleeping

with his adopted brother, the Albert.

Collectively known as the dimwits.

What the f***!

- Jacky. Oh, Jacky boy.

- All right, Albert, all right. Just a joke, yeah?

- All right, listen... All right, fine.

- I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna take you down to Chinatown.

Come on. Do you feel that?

- Do you feel that, Jacky?

- Ahhh!

Do you submit, Jacky?

- Jacky! Do you submit?

- All right. All right.

Okay. Look, I submit. I submit.

Just get off, get off!

Stupid.

Two out of three!

Ahhh! Off the ropes!

You think you can win without the elixir of life

and challenge me in my own domain?

I will be champion!

Come on!

The man in the chequered pants

is taking you down!

Oi! Oi! Oi! What the hell are you guys doing?

Sports entertainment, wrestling for the title.

WWE, WWE,

WWE... Oh!

UFC.

Who wants coffee?

All right.

Yeah, I'll have some

of that fresh-ground stuff.

Got any soya milk?

Good morning!

What are you doing in my room?

We, uh, made you breakfast.

You're getting married.

I'm getting married.

My perfect day is here.

You're getting married!

You're getting married!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Ahhh!

- What is it?

- I think you broke my toe.

What...

Okay, let's start your perfect day...

HOW.

Mum! Dad! I'm up!

it's a great day.

My baby getting married.

There's so much to do. Eloy, get up!

Get up!

Woman, this is my house.

I get up when I'm ready to get up!

Okay, okay, I get up.

Neil!

I don't know who you are,

but you are about two seconds away

from getting a serious pounding!

Out!

- That's it, we're even, yeah, Pete.

- No, no, no.

No, you still owe me money,

so until I'm paid back...

All right, dear?

If it's any consolation, you do look very nice.

- Oh, give my love to Suzanne.

- Oh, f*** off!

- All right.

- Oh, you f***ing...

Yeah, go on, laugh.

Ha!

Peter, what the f*** was that?

Don't worry, man, I'm not gonna say a word.

I didn't.

I swear I didn't.

Mate, she's never, ever,

going to hear it from me, okay?

So you just have a drink, relax.

I'm just going to go downstairs

and give you a minute.

{SHUSHES)

Soy sauce! Yeah, very mature, guys!

Jesus!

Good... Oh!

- Morning.

- Yeah.

Do it, baby, yeah!

- Hey, b*tches!

- Hey, Sarah.

Hi.

- Today's the big day! Are you excited?

- Yep.

By the end of today, I am gonna be

Mrs Alexandra Christina Fernandez-Giddings.

I know it'll make us cousins,

but if I weren't in it by blood, I don't know

if I'd marry into this family, so good luck.

- Thanks.

- Just kidding.

Or maybe I'll be Mrs Giddings-Fernandez.

Yeah, do it. Rock on.

It's a bit New Age, isn't it?

Where's Anisha?

- I thought she was with you?

- No. I thought she came here.

- Great.

- Well, when did you last hear from her?

- At the hen night.

- Do you think she's okay?

Yeah, she'll be here. She's been looking

forward to this as much as you, trust me.

- I'm just going to check my phone.

Yeah, me too.

Great. It's the morning of my wedding

and one of my bridesmaids is missing.

Oh, God.

Okay, she might miss it,

but I guess this explains where she is.

I mean, really, Anisha?

Okay. Just relax, I'm gonna go tell everyone.

Whee.

That looks really tasty.

I bet Alex had a cooked breakfast

this morning.

The girls probably cooked for her, though.

What?

Did you, you know, with the guy in your bed?

Alex, I did nothing.

He's just a stupid man with a stupid name,

Ralphus, making stupid comments.

Now, now, hold on.

You know how sensitive I am about my name.

My mum's mind was going through

some things at the time...

What? Her arse?

Killer shot!

Well, okay, so you think I'm stupid?

At least I didn't turn down

candy-lips last night.

Marriage is not

just a "once the ring is on the finger" thing.

Okay, well, what about

that bloke in your bed this morning?

All right, I'm a little bit confused about that.

Anyway, last night wasn't even that

type of night. I thought it was pretty tame.

You're right, it wasn't.

- Shouldn't you two be getting ready?

- Yeah.

Delicious. Mmm.

I have good news and bad news.

- Why is there never just good news?

- What is it?

Well, I guess it kind of started

at Alex's hen night.

That party was so awesome.

It had absolutely everything.

We really outdid ourselves.

But you know Anisha,

she's just never satisfied.

Then what happen?

I mean, I'm shock.

This is hen night?

I'm sorry,

what exactly are you trying to tell us?

Anisha and that stripper

have run off together.

She would send video to you?

Yeah, Anisha would.

- Oh.

Yeah, I'm sure it's her.

God, Anisha, come on.

So what's the good news?

Oh, yeah. Prada sale, 50% off.

Ooh, really?

A bond between two people

that love each other,

and the day they become

more than just a couple.

A couple of what?

Why won't you marry Helen?

I'm asking the questions.

So, do you think marriage is just vanity?

Obviously you do.

You see it in your mind 1,000 times over.

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