The Knot Page #2

Perfecting every little detail.

The flowing white dress,

and horse-drawn carriage, huge cathedral...

So how close

will this be to the dream?

Well, I know I'm getting the white dress.

I love her and I'm proud to say that

to the whole world,

and if that's vain,

well, book me in for a pedicure.

As for the other stuff,

the church, dress, cake...

I just want it to be right for her.

The day itself is a bigger deal for the guy.

Are you serious?

That's ridiculous.

Come on. A big open display of emotion?

How often do men do that?

Guys might think about being married,

but girls dream of a wedding.

Emotion?

Aren't most men driven by their d*cks?

Yeah. Maybe.

But Jeremy's different.

My God, you stink, man.

What do you eat? Rhino?

- Why have we got to smoke in here?

- Because he doesn't like it,

so we always smoke in here.

Say it's coming through the vents,

he'll blame the neighbours.

I think I've done a double-flusher.

Something's turning in my stomach.

It must be nerves.

What are you nervous about, anyway?

I don't know.

This time tomorrow, it's all over for Jeremy.

You're right, actually.

You know, we'll be free, single,

getting the ladies, and he'll be done.

No more one-night stands.

No more sneaking out in the morning

before the nagging.

No more telling them, "I'll call you",

and not calling.

In theory, no more lies. Full stop.

- Yeah, I couldn't handle that.

- I would hate it.

Never getting married, me.

I'll tell you what, though, Alex is a nice girl.

- Looks after him well.

- Gets on with all his mates.

- Dynamite in the sack, he says.

- Got a good job.

- Hope I get a girl like that.

- Yeah, I'd marry her in a heartbeat.

Me, too.

Well, I'd give her one anyway.

What? What did you say?

- What?

- Alexandra?

- What?

- Jeremy's girlfriend, you'd give her...

Unbelievable... You are unbelievable.

Something's wrong with you, man.

You're unbelievable.

- What have I done?

- Just...

Sorry, I was just...

I know what you mean, though.

Get those legs right over her head.

- Have you got the rings on you?

- Yeah.

Show me the rings.

I haven't seen them, show me.

Rings? They're just silver rings.

- This one.

- That is a silver ring.

It is. A very nice one as well.

Oh...

- What are you two doing in here?

- Nothing, mate.

Just throwing your ring in the toilet.

Is that weed I smell?

No... Oh.

Must be that neighbour again.

Listen, I don't care if you got glaucoma,

stop smoking weed!

All right, I'm getting ready.

Get it.

- Did you just have a shower?

- Yeah.

I don't have showers, I have baths.

Are you gonna live with Jeremy

when you're married?

Yeah.

Are you gonna sleep in the same bed?

- Yeah.

- Yuck! He's a boy!

- Are you gonna do it and make babies?

- Where did you hear about that?

Jenny at school says

the man puts his penis in...

Okay. You know what? I need to get ready.

Why don't you go talk to Papa

or something, okay?

What now?

oh, man.

- Couldn't you answer the door?

- it's not my house, mate.

Ah, my brothers, my brothers.

What is this funny, funny business?

What?

- Are you Jeremy Deadman?

- Jeremy Giddings.

- No, no, no. This is 69 Pat-Graf Street, yes?

- Yeah.

Yes! I am Ujay Utaka,

you are Jeremy Deadman. Here you go.

- But my name's Jeremy Giddings...

- My friend,

I don't care what your name is.

If you don't take this package,

I'm going to throw it in the River Thames.

And, you, stop filming me with that camera,

before I shove it in your bum-bum.

- Just sign here.

- Must be a wedding gift.

Oh, you're getting married? Congratulations.

My cousin is getting married today as well.

Have a nice day, Jeremy.

- Who was that?

- Package for Jeremy Deadman.

Jack, get the boys.

- What do you think of Julie?

- Julie's married.

- Yeah, but, I mean, if...

- No buts. Married.

You found it yet?

Oh, God, I thought I had it then,

but I think it was just sweetcorn.

Why the f*** am I looking in here?

You dropped it in here!

It was safe in my pocket

until you asked to see it,

so, technically, it's your fault.

- What am I even saying? it's your sh*t.

- it's your shitting fault.

Just get the ring.

Pete?

- What are you doing?

- Albert's not feeling well.

Jeremy just got a package

addressed to "Deadman".

Oh, shin

What the f***!

You sicken me.

Are you nervous yet?

No.

It's three years since Steve and I got married.

- Yeah, I know. That was a great day.

- Yeah.

You know wearing sexy underwear

gets a bit redundant, right?

Okay. Uh...

Why is that, Julie?

One, they're uncomfortable.

Two, he'll barely notice.

Three, if you do get any action,

he'll probably just pull them off,

thrill himself for a couple of minutes,

then go out drinking with his mates,

coming back the next day smelling

of some other girl's fanny

with a half-full pack of condoms,

which you'll discover in a pocket

while you're washing the grass stains

out of his trousers.

Sorry, I'm only joking.

Okay.

So...

- Do you think he'll like?

- Mmm-hmm.

Jeremy, baby, this is all for you.

Work it, baby.

Whoo-hoo!

- Darling, we bring things for you.

- Mama.

- Do you not knock?

- We see all before.

Don't be silly, girl.

Hello again!

When you watch this, you married.

I very proud.

Shut up, don't embarrass her.

We bring traditional things,

something new, borrowed, blue and old.

- Something new!

- Mama!

I told you they're amazing.

- Let me see, let me see.

- Aw, Ma, thank you.

- Thank you, Papa.

- Oh, wow!

- See.

Hey, they look wonderful.

Something old, borrowed, and, uh, blue.

We borrow them from Aunt Delia,

but she needs them back, because your

cousin, she get married next month.

We kill three cats, one rock.

No. There's no way

I'm wearing somebody else's knickers.

Especially not those.

It's tradition.

All women in our family get married in these.

I got married in these.

Plus, the luck of this

bring a good bedroom life.

Come on, baby, for me.

For Mama. Please, please, please.

So beautiful.

Well, I can't reach Anisha,

her phone is still off.

Why are you wearing granny panties?

No.

I say no.

Am I the only one?

- None of you guys sent this?

- No.

No.

What the f*** is that? Sh*t!

Deadman.

Think someone's trying

to send you a message.

Oh, you think?

They can't be human, can they?

It's obviously a gesture of goodwill.

it's a virility gift, innit?

- Albert, what's that on your face?

- What?

There.

Jeremy, look, man,

there's probably an ex-girlfriend

who heard about the wedding

who's all pissed off.

You know how girls get all schizo, so just...

Or worse, could be the ex,

old redhead herself.

- She never did get over you.

- Mandy.

Oh, well, this is all I need.

You all right, mate?

I can't believe he actually came.

- Well, we paid enough for him.

- Yeah, that's true.

I'm fed up of being filmed. Already.

Ooh,

this decor is marvellous.

Remember the celebrity hair stylist

we booked?

Well, he's here.

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