The Ladies Man Page #2

Was your father

a meat burglar?

Here's why I ask.

Because it looks like somebody...

stole two fine hams and shoved them

down the back of your dress.

[ Lester] And then it happened.

She started laughing.

Kept on laughing.

I thought she was crazy.

They talked and laughed

on into the night.

Leon didn't go home with her,

but he took home her business card.

She said she was in radio. Said

she wanted to put Leon on the radio.

That was two years ago.

I guess she packed

her wedding dress away...

for another day.

Listen, seriously, Lester.

Can you take a break for a second?

I'm trying to concentrate

over here.

[Scrap] Leon, {think

she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.

[Leon]

Au contraire, bon jour.

Let me give you

the play-by-play.

{will probably begin

with a very classy first line.

Something like--

Say, sweet thing,

can I buy you a fish sandwich?

Mm-hmm.

And then I will commence to

whisper sweet words in her ear.

Something like--

Man, I'd like to take a bite

out of your butt.

And then I will close the deal

by giving her a preview of...

- the goods.

- [Zipper Unzips]

[ Chorus]

Hallelujah

[ Scrap ]

The day you pick up that pretty woman,

that's the day I believe

a wet bird don't fly at night.

Yeah? Well, get ready to see

a wet bird fly at night, my friend.

[Chuckling]

Say there, sweet thing.

Uh, I have a question.

Could I--

- Hey, swinger. I've got an idea.

- Yeah?

My husbands away.

Let's go back to my place.

So you don't want

a fish sandwich?

Okay, that's cool, I guess.

But listen.

- My car doesn't exist, so- Yes.

- Shut up.

The bus is what

we'll be taking.

- Hey! Hey, man! Hey!

- [Leon Continues]

[Panting, Grunting]

[Panting, Grunting]

[ Soul, Muffled]

- To the left'. Yeah. just like that.

- Like that?

[ Man ]

Honey, the front door.

Barney, is that you?

Well, it isn't the Orkin man.

I'll be right there.

You'll never guess

what happened.

I was cleaning up

the broom closet,

and it was so stuffed

with crap.

So I opened the door...

and it was like,

" Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Don't open that door, McGee.

'Cause all that stuff...

just came tumbling down

all over me.

- Do you have a man in there with you?

- Oh, yes!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Don't stop.

- Cheryl

- [Bedpost Banging]

Oh, don T stop!

Oh, don "t-

Listen, baby, that was cool,

but I gotta go.

No!

Wake up!

It is 2:
30 in the a.m., and you are

listenin' to The Ladies Man.

All right. So let's take

some more calls. Go ahead, caller.

Hello? Am I on?

Yes, you are.

What seems to be your query?

Uh-

Well, look, I've never called

a show like this before,

but I'm in-

I'm in really bad shape.

I was, uh- I was kind of hoping

that you'd help me out.

Well, we'll see

what we can do.

[ Barney]

So, I came home last night,

and what do you know.

My wife of seven years was

in the sack with another guy.

- Yeah, that sounds good.

- No, it's not good.

I-I saw the guy.

I saw him running--

running down the street.

He had this, like, smiley...

tattoo thing on his, uh,

on his, uh-

Okay, sir, listen.

We're gonna take

a break right now.

We'll be back in a few moments

with the answer to our survey,

What is your favorite hole?"

Thanks for calling.

..-~...-~ [jazz On Television]

[Groaning]

I don't wanna talk.

I just came to pick up my-

[ Rubbing Crotch Rapidly]

- Barney'.

- [Keys Clattering]

[ Continues]

No! No!

[Stammering]

It's not what you think.

Way to go, Leon.

You really are a class act.

Well, what can l say, baby?

The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.

[Laughing] What ladies?

Who are these women?

And why do you feel like you

have to sleep with all of them?

Um, let me see.

Have you ever had sex?

Yes, Leon, I've had sex.

- Yes, well, there you go.

- [Laughing]

That's delightful.

- Yea h.

- It's exactly that kind of language...

that's gonna get you

kicked off the air-

- Mr. Kent.

- Yes!

You certainly seem

in good spirits today.

I didn't think it showed.

I just got a letter

from the F.C.C.

So I suppose you could say I'm full

of contentment and cheer.

What do you mean?

I'm sure you're aware

your little friend, Leon Phelps,

has always been a thorn

in my side.

He's unprofessional.

He drinks on the air.

He has a little sip

of cognac now and then, but-

I would have fired him years ago

if he wasn't such a-

such a favorite with

the owner of the station.

I don't know what

she sees in him.

But I finally decided to

go over her head about this...

and straight to the F.C.C.

And if Leon Phelps is responsible

for even one more...

tiny little fine,

I get to fire him.

[Chuckles]

Well, we haven't had

a fine in weeks.

Leon's completely

cleaned up his act.

- Oh, is that a fact?

- Caller, you got The Ladies Man.

Yeah, you see,

what your problem is...

is that you suffer from,

um, homo-un-erectus.

Which means, basically, that

your Wang is " hugeified"

not by a woman but by a man.

Well, you never know. I mean, some

nights the F.C.C. doesn't even listen.

- Really?

- No! [Laughing]

They listen all the time.

Probably listening now.

What's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us

in the station. How you doing?

[ Chuckling]

Well, I guess he can? stick around.

But you still got Leon Phelps.

I'm sticking it out here.

We gonna take a break.

We gonna be right back.

- Leon--

- Don't let Bucky get you all upset.

- He is just jealous.

- Leon, I think he's serious this time.

He said that the radio station

wont pay for any more of your fines.

I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only

got three minutes left for the show.

I'm just gonna ease my way out. Play

a little music. No more phone calls.

And you'll see by tomorrow

Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.

- You promise?

-Julie, come on.

The one person you can trust

is Leon Phelps.

- Okay.

- Kiss me. Kiss me!

- Stop it.

- [ Huffs]

What's happening?

You got The Ladies Man,

Leon Phelps here, and I am looking

at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,

which means that we are

just about out of time.

But before I go, I'd like to

leave you with just one more thought.

This is a little something

that I wrote.

And I read:

What is love?

What is this longing in

our hearts for togetherness?

Is it not

the sweetest flower?

Does not this flower

of love...

have the fragrant aroma

affine, fine diamonds?

Does not the wind

love the dirt?

ls not love not unlike

the unlikely not it is unliking to?

Are you with someone tonight?

Do not question your love.

Take your lover by the hand.

Release the power

within yourself

You heard me,

release the power.

Tame the wild cosmos

with a whisper.

Conquer heaven with one

intimate caress.

That's right.

Don't be shy.

Whip out

everything you've got...

and do it in the butt.

By Leon Phelps.

Let's go. Come on.

- Good distance.

- Yeah, not bad.

[ Leon]

Listen, Julie, I just wanna say...

thank you

for sticking up for me.

- Yeah, okay. Leon-

- Listen. You always stick up for me.

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