The Ladies Man Page #3

- Yeah, but Leon--

- You're the greatest, you know?

- Thank you.

- And another thing.

No matter what they do to me, they can

fire me from their radio station,

they can call me

all kinds of names,

they can make me get down

on my knees and beg for my job,

but the one thing

that they cannot take away...

from sweet Leon...

is his dignity.

So this is my fabulous yacht.

Or as I like to call it,

my personal " skankuary. "

I told you before, Leon,

it's not a yacht if you get mail there.

It's more like a trailer park

of the sea.

Yeah, well, even so,

this is what I like

to call the L.A. Forum,

because this is where

the magic happens.

And the magic just happened once

on that chair that you're touching.

I have performed the magic

once in that wastepaper basket.

You know, {actually had to get the

magic cleaned from out of this curtain.

That was along shot.

Wore me out.

- Let's get you into bed, okay?

- [ Groans ]

- Here.

- Officer, no.

Come on. Let's see

if we can get you into bed.

Watch it. Ow!

- I'm sorry,Julie.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

Listen, I handle my drink

better than today.

- I've seen you. I know.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the firing.

- It's okay just lie down.

- You deserve better.

- It's okay. We're gonna be fine.

- You should be with a professional.

Mrs. Robinson, are you

trying to seduce me?

No, I'm not.

In fact, I'm looking

around this place...

and I can't understand why anyone

would ever want to seduce you.

Turn off the lights

[ Leon]

That is why.

- ,1' Light a candle)

- You've gotta be kidding.

Mm-mmm.

[ Continues]

- [Julie] " Pina Colada Butt Lotion"?

- Mm-hmm.

Where do you even

find this stuff?

Mostly at K-Mart

and Wal-Mart.

And why do you have a water bed

when you live on a boat?

Oh, it's because there's

more motion in the ocean.

Come on in, baby.

The water's fine.

- So Julie?

- Huh?

Are we going to do it?

No, we are not going to do it.

I would hate to see you

as an old man, Leon.

You are gonna be

one sorry sight.

- Where you going?

- I'm going home.

The job search

starts tomorrow.

[ Door Closes]

Oh, boy.

- Smiley...

- [Keyboard Keys Clacking]

ass tattoo.

[Groaning]

Victims of the smiling ass.

" Have you seen this ass?"

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Welcome to the v.5.A.

Victims of the smiling ass.

We will have our revenge."

[ Man] Well, let me

tell you a little bit about WRQE.

We play all the biggest names

in soft rock and light jazz.

Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.

I don't know if you've heard of a lady

who goes by the name of Celine Dion.

- [ Laughing]

- No, who is that?

I have to say I've heard of you, but

I'm not too familiar with your show.

I don't stay up

that late anymore.

- Do you have a tape I could listen to?

- I'm afraid we don't-

Yeah, actually, we do.

This should give you...

a good idea of what

we can bring to your station.

Fantastic.

Let's see

what we've got here.

You know, clinically speaking,

doing it doggy style has-

There's some racy stuff at the

beginning, but you can speed through it.

All right.

- [Tape Fast-Forwarding]

- Yeah.

Sounds like the answer for you

is doing it doggy style.

Just speed through.

Same stuff.

[Coughing]

Boy, excuse me.

Anyways, doggy style--

You can speed right through

that part too.

Yeah, see,

you was kicked in the scrotum.

Or as they say

in the medical profession, the ball sac.

You can skip

through that part.

Well, you know, the scientific name

is the Hershey Highway.

Speed on through.

Hey. But that

is the only tape.

The tape is important.

There's people looking.

That's not- Don't-

- Miss, uh, Simmons?

- Yes.

Uh, let's see.

[Humming]

Oh, very nice.

Very nice.

- Thank you.

- And, uh-

Mr. Phelps.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm presently in the process of getting

my resume typed up over at Kinko's.

- Kinko's. Good people. Nice.

- Yeah.

I see under " interests, "

you've written " Debit" ?

No, that's da" butt.

- "Da" butt?

- Yeah. And I also like tennis.

Good, good.

Well, Mr. Phelps,

today might be your lucky day.

Our morning anchor quit,

out of the blue.

And we are desperate for

someone to fill her old slot.

Well, that's no problem,

'cause I have a lot of experience

at filling other peoples slots.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

You mean you've filled

other people's slots before?

- Yeah, this morning.

- Fantastic. You got the job.

[Together]

Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, welcome to WPJT Radio.

Well, welcome to WPT Radio.

[Angelic Chorus]

What's happening?

And welcome to The Ladies--

Uh, The Lord's Man Show.

Um- So, I understand

that you are a nun?

- Yes, that's right.

- Yeah, that's cool.

And how long have you been,

uh, nunning" it up?

For about 30 years now.

Yeah. Well, congratulations.

That's good.

Now, I understand

that your work...

takes you all around the world,

is that right?

Yes, that is correct. In fact,

I'll be leaving the country...

very soon to assume

a missionary position.

[Stammering]

I'm sorry. What was that?

I'm going to assume

a missionary position,

and I'll probably be holding it

for a very longtime.

Yeah, well, that's--

that's interesting.

Um- So, where will

you be holding this-

- Missionary position? In Bangkok.

- Yeah.

Bangkok. Yeah.

That's, uh, cool.

So why don't we talk

about something else.

Bangkok is lovely. In fact, I'm

looking forward to taking it all in.

[Leon]

Hmm.

- But it can get a little steamy.

- [ Swallows ]

Have you ever gone down

the Yellow River?

Yeah, once in the '805,

but I did not enjoy it.

What about

a missionary position?

Have you ever known the joys

of a missionary position?

Yeah, okay.

Here's a story I'm gonna tell you.

It goes a little something like this.

I was with these two girls,

right?

And so I was doing the twin sisters

and then her mother walks in,

and her mother

has a video camera.

So she puts it on the tripod

and she starts to ram it.

It was sort of

a missionary position--

[Siren Wailing]

Yeah?

Well, up yours too.

Oh, well,

on to the next one.

Next one?

There is no next one.

That's nonsense,Julie. There's

that kiddie station up in Wilmette.

Leon, we may never work

in radio again.

No, listen, Julie.

That is where you are wrong.

We'll get out of this mess.

Trust me.

Last time I trusted you, you told the

city of Chicago to do it in the butt.

Yeah. Well, there was no way to predict

that that was gonna end up so badly.

- But look, it'll be different this time.

- Whatever, Leon.

I need to think this through. You

call me when you come back to reality.

Don't you worry,Julie.

I'm a man of action.

I have a plan

for this type of thing.

There's only one thing to do.

I'm must go and have sex...

and wait for something

to randomly happen.

It'll work out, youll see.

It will randomly work out!

Score! Score! Score!

Yeah. Whoo!

Well, I just had sex, and-

- [Man] U.5. Mail'

- There's the random occurrence.

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