The Ladies Man Page #4

I hate the houseboat guy.

Hey, what's happenin'?

Shh.

I was bonin' a lady inside.

Say, look at this.

It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker.

- Really?

- Ooh, it says, Urgent."

" Deal"Leon. Stop.

The '70s are over. Stop."

Let me see that.

Here's your- Oops.

I seem to be dropping

all your mail.

- I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.

- You're a bad mailman.

- And this is not from Jimmie Walker.

- [ Mimicking Leon]

[ Sighs ]

Let's see here.

Gas bill.

Houseboat bill.

Electrical bill.

Ooh, what is this?

Ooh. It's a lady.

Dearest Leon,

I know it's been a long-

[ Continues, inaudible]

My back pressed against

the washing machine-

Money-

This is it!

[Julie]

Dearest L eon,

I know it has been a longtime since

we parted ways that fateful night,

but I still remember

the tender moments we spent together.

The feeling of your skin

pressed up against mine.

The feeling of my back pressed up

against the wall of the Laundromat.

I remember how you said

I was your one true love.

Time has changed nothing.

I want you even more.

And I have all the money we'll ever

need to make a fresh start.

Come back to me, Leon.

I'm waiting for you...

and I've never stopped

thinking of myself...

the way you always used to

describe me...

as your very special

Sweet Thing.

- You gotta be kidding me.

- Uh-uh.

This is the answer to

all your unemployment problems?

- Who is she?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

- Uh-uh.

As you can see,

she did not sign her name,

so I guess she thought

I knew who she was.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Yeah.

All I know is that all my problems,

they are now solved.

Leon, all your problems will be solved

when you get a job like normal people.

How am I supposed to do that?

We tried every radio station in town.

Not every one.

I can still pull a favor, hopefully,

over at WAMS from Cyrus.

Cyrus Cunningham?

Your ex-fiance?

The one that dumped you?

The one with

the three-inch penis?

No,Julie, listen.

I can't stand the idea of you...

crawling back to that jerk

just because I got both of us fired.

Listen, baby, the answer

to all of our troubles...

is in this rich lady's letter

and her money.

Her money. Leon, this

is a love letter, not a lottery ticket.

- [ Groans]

- This is a woman who cared for you,

who you called

by a special pet name.

- Who you called-

- Hey, sweet thing.

Hi. Can I get some more

waffles down here? Thank you.

I'm sorry.

What were you saying, sweet thing?

I'm, uh-

I'm sorry about the door.

Do I have the right place?

I was just-

Wow! You're huge.

We know who you are, Barney.

I think you'll be glad

that you decided to come.

What-What is this?

- These are people just like you, Barney.

-[All ] Hi, Barney.

They, too, have had

their lives shattered...

by the sight

of that man's ass.

I caught this mysterious tattooed guy

and my wife going at it...

in July, 1992.

Spring of '89.

December, 1994.

November of '95.

And then Apr of '$6.

[ Murmuring I

And then again

in June of '96.

And then twice more

on January 15,1997.

And three more times

in the spring of '99--

Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo

and Flag Day.

That's Hal. Don't

make any sudden moves around him.

It's all right, man.

What about you?

I mean, what's your story?

It was April, 1990.

I was in training

for the U.S. Olympic Team.

My Sport:

Greco-Roman wrestling.

My wife and I didn't

have a perfect marriage.

Maybe I didn't

understand her needs.

But she definitely

didn't understand my passion...

for wrestling.

She didn't understand why Brian,

my wrestling partner, and I...

trained constantly.

She didn't understand

the thrill any man would feel...

after grabbing a big,

husky guy like Brian...

and pinning him down

to the ground...

until he squirms and squeals

like a little piglet.

[Men Coughing, Murmuring]

[Clears Throat]

One night,

I went out to train...

at-at Brian's.

I returned home only

to find my wife lying there...

with a faraway look.

I noticed an open window,

and out of it I saw our man

running through the parking lot.

I wouldve chased after him,

but I was too sore.

From the training.

- [Chattering]

- [ Man ] Of course, the training.

Right. After that, I discovered

there were others like me,.

and I formed this group.

The point is,

we may not know his name,

but we're onto him.

And one day, he'll slip up.

And when he does, we're gonna

be there to nail him...

and cut his balls off!

- [All Groaning]

- Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Maybe we won't

actually go that far.

That's yucky.

Well, you don't have to wait

for him to slip up.

He already has.

'Cause when he ran

out of my apartment-

Look!

He's a circus clown!

Yeah, we already know

about the clothes.

He runs out of all

of our houses bare-assed, you know.

The clothes really

haven't given us anything.

[Sobbing]

What?

Damn it!

I mean, there must be some way

to catch this woman's dude.

Gentlemen,

- prepare for battle.

- [All Cheering]

Listen up, everybody.

This will be...

our general area

of our search, okay?

Now, years ago

I was in the army,

and we spent a lot of time

in this area here.

The army, they called it Asia,

but I like to call it

Freaky-Deeky Sex World.

Scrap Iron, you're my man.

This will be your area.

[suggest that...

you stick to the back streets

and the whorehouses.

- I'm right on it.

- Good'.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.

This postmark is from Chicago.

- [Candy] Hey.

- Let me see that, Lester.

If the lady lives right here

in Chicago, that ought to be easy.

I mean, you could find all the women

you been with in town, right?

That's a very good question,

Candy. Yes, I can,

because I have written the names of all

of my very special sweet ladies down...

in this, my black book.

- Look at that thing.

- And in addition to that,

I have made these photocopies

for you all to take a look at.

- That's for you, Lester.

- You have any idea who this woman is?

Yes, I do, because

when I read this letter...

I hear a voice

that I connect to a face.

And because I have

what is called 20-20 memory,

that tells me that this is

my very special Sweet Thing.

Leon Phelps.

- You miserable, fatheaded jackass.

- Theresa!

What the hell are you doing here?

I hoped you were dead.

No, I'm not dead. Surprise.

- Ew!

- What?

You expect me to let you stick your

tongue in my mouth after two years?

Yes, I do.

Ooh, Courvoisier.

Let's have a drink.

Come on in, baby.

This is nice.

Leon, why haven't

you called me?

This is the thing. They kept changing

all those collect call phone numbers,

so it became really difficult

for me to use the telephone.

- Shut it up. I can't believe this.

- Okay.

I meet you under the stands at a dog

track. You sweet-talk me into leaving.

Next thing, I'm busting slobs with you

in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.

You called me

your sweet thing.

Wait a second. It says here

we did it in a Laundromat.

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