The Ladies Man Page #5

- What?

- Yeah.

Didn't you send me a note about getting

together and sharing your money, love?

Mistakes

are sometimes funny.

Listen, I could really

use that drink now.

All right, that's nice.

I got everything but the glass.

- Rot in hell, Leon.

- Yes, I heard you the first time.

No, no, no, no, no.

I hope you burn in hell.

- Yes, duly noted.

- Rotting and burning.

- Yes, in hell. I got you.

- Your mother looks like Florida Evans!

Listen, there's no reason

to go there.

You mud duck!

Quack on.

[ Soul, indistinct]

Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon.

What's happening?

A)" f Soul ]

- Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon.

- Hi.

How you doing?

Good to see you.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Yeah, I know you gotta go.

- Listen, did you write this letter?

- What?

No? Okay. Go on up there.

Have a good time tonight.

Play some AI Green and smack her

on the ass. She likes that.

Hey. How you doin'?

Hey, what's happening, Evelyn?

I remember-

That was not a good idea.

[ Over P.A.]

What's happening, Chicago?

Ladies, if you are rich

and I boned you,

could you please meet me

at the nacho cart?

Also, if you are rich

and you want to be boned,

would you please meet me

at the nacho cart?

- Hey, Lester.

- I stepped in a time machine.

Look at this place.

This place is disgusting.

You don't have to stay long.

just long enough to meet Leon.

I'm telling you,

he's just what your station needs.

- Leon, this is Cyrus.

- Cyrus Cunningham.

Yeah, this is the guy

that dumped you.

You're a lot shorter than I expected.

But the hair and the shoes help out.

Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said

I would meet your friend, and I have.

I wasted a lot of my time

in the process.

Obviously, you haven't grown up much

since our little mistake.

Look, Cyrus, why don't you

just listen for a second?

WAMS has done quite well

without the help of rejects...

and winos and ditsy women who think

they can run with the big boys.

If you need a temp job, let me know,

okay? Gotta go. Love your place.

Listen, don't talk

to Julie like that.

Excuse me.

What was that, little man?

I said that you don't talk

to Julie like that.

[Cyrus Chuckles]

Don't push up on me

in front of your peeps, okay?

Don't let the smooth taste fool you.

I'm from the streets.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I still live in the streets...

and will occasionally

find myself waking up in the streets.

That's right.

That's right.

Gentlemen, there will be

no fighting in this bar.

All right, fine.

We can take it outside.

Listen, I'm sorry.

We-We got off on the wrong foot here.

Um, why don't we just

let bygones be bygones?

Whatever you say, sugar.

That's fine with me.

Listen, how about you have a- I'd

like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.

I don't think so.

[Scrap]

Come on, johnny Mathis.

- You said you from the streets.

- Yeah.

Yeah, well, Julie told me

that while they were datin',

there were some things that

Cyrus didn't have a taste for.

[Bar Patrons Laughing]

- [ Leon] Interesting.

- [Cyrus] Hey, hey, hey.

It ain't no thing, all right?

It ain't no thing.

I was raised on pig's feet.

I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it.

If this is what you want, fine.

- This is what you want me to do?

- Mm-hmm.

Just to impress you and the rest

of the Sunshine Band, I'll eat it.

[Leon]

That's fine.

See? I'll eat it here. Cut it up a

little bit and eat it like that. See?

There.

Perhaps you thought I'd recoil

from your bar food, but-

- You want some pickled eggs?

- I'd love some pickled eggs.

One pickled dish at a time.

Why are we gonna--

Okay, I'll stay

for one pickled egg.

Look, everybody. People

are actually eating the bar food.

[ Scrap ] All right, boys, eat up.

The food is free.

- It disappears.

- Pick/ed egg you want, you got.

[Scrap] This ain't the welfare.

This is the good stuff

- Mmm.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm!

- Hey, how about some prairie oysters?

- Ooh, prairie oysters!

- They are really good.

- Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.

- Look like a chitlin to me.

- Prairie oysters. Mmm!

Oh, yeah, look at that.

Oh, yeah, it's fresh.

This is gonna be so good.

I haven't had these since yesterday.

- M m m!

- [ Woman] It's an acquired taste.

[ Scrap ]

Take your time.

[Bar Patrons Groaning,

Chattering]

Hmm?

Good, huh?

- Spicy hog balls.

- [All Groaning]

[ Man]

Not the hog balls.

Spicy hog balls.

Where'd you find these?

Ooh, look at that.

They got two balls.

And they going right down here.

Mmm! Mmm!

Oh! Yes, indeed.

Look at them.

Eat all you want, boys.

Eat all you want.

[ Man ]

Show him how to do it, Leon.

Mmm'.

Mmm, mmm, mmm'.!

How you boys doing?

So, is that it?

I've eaten more exotic foods

than that.

- How about a piece de resistance?

- Hmm.

- Back-bottom gristle lumps.

- [ Candy] Special of the house.

Practically nobody eats these.

- I don't remember those on the menu.

- Oh, these are good.

These are new.

The best!

- These are mine.

- No, no, no. No way. No way!

- They're mine.

- Get the hell off of them!

Jeez!

[Scrap] Don't be fighting

over gristle lumps. Come on, now.

There you go, now. That's a nice one.

That's a nice one.

- just some gristle lumps.

- Gristle lump you want, you got.

- I got your gristle lump.

- [All Groaning]

- Savor the flavor.

- Mm-hmm.

[Scrap]

Got some hot sauce to go with that too.

- Mmm. I did it.

- That's right. You sure did.

- I did it.

- You did it. I'm proud of you.

I did it. I did it!

[Laughing]

I've never seen anything

like this in my life.

- Boy, you just done ate some sh*t.

- [Al/Laughing]

- Some what?

- You just ate some human sh*t.

Human sh*t?

Human sh*t?

Why would you

bottle human sh*t?

What possible holiday would you

bottle human sh*t for?

- [Scrap ] Funniest idea yet!

- You people are sick!

That's the first time

it's ever worked.

We scored so big.

You know that that was

our last chance at a steady paycheck.

- Mm-hmm.

- But I feel good. I feel real good.

Well, that's good,

because listen, there's no way...

that I was gonna let that dude

disrespect my Julie twice.

So, listen, excuse me.

I will be going to the bathroom

to puke up a hog ball.

Gentlemen, we've been waiting

for this day for a longtime.

- [ Murmuring]

- This man, this Lad/es Man,

thought he could take something

from us, something we hold sacred.

- Our manhood. Was he successful?

- [All ] No!

No, he was not. Why?

Because we're men among men.

- That's right! Yeah!

- Super men!

And from this moment on,

I declare our supreme manliness!

[ Cheering]

I feel like this

is something really special

Something tells me

this is truly grand

I've got a brand-new lease

on life now

And it's all because we're

gonna get The Ladies Man

[All ]

That's right!

All at once the search

is truly over

Everything is happening

as planned

I hope he's naked

and good-looking

And it's all because we're

gonna get this Ladies Man

That's right!

When we catch him,

we're gonna cut his balls off.

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