The Ladies Man Page #6

I don't know

what I'm feeling;

I never felt

like this before

I want to sing

from a mountaintop

And let my true heart soar

Going UP-

[Elevator Bell Dings]

I can't believe

it's finally over

All of my dreams

are near at hand

I'm gonna kill

that dirty bastard

I'm gonna kill

that dirty bastard

The time has come

to kill The Ladies Man

The time has come

to kill The Ladies Man

His name is Leon Phelps.

I fired him a week ago.

Say, is that a picture

of him over there?

Yes. Yes, it is.

That's your man.

That's, uh-

That's Leon Phelps.

[ Lance]

Leon Phelps.

Where might we

find this Leon Phelps?

Oh, you might

try his houseboat,

or that gin tank

called Lester's Lounge.

And when you find him, tell him

to come in and pick up this crap.

- What's this?

- Fan mail...

from all the sluts he's been banging

for the past couple of years.

A lot of these

are from my wife.

- [ Woman] You thought I wrote this?

- [Leon] Yeah, I did.

Sorry, Leon. I'm not really

interested in settling down right now.

- [Knocking On Door]

- You're on in ten minutes.

Excuse me.

I'll just be a minute changing.

This is a nice place. It looks

like you've finally made the big-time.

Yeah, my work is everything

to me right now.

That's why I couldnt dream

of settling down.

In fact, the only thing

that ever compared...

to the thrill

of my performances...

were those wild nights

we had together in bed.

Yeah, we did some pretty

messed-up junk.

- Hey, Leon.

- Yes?

I've got a crazy idea.

I've got a few minutes

before I go on.

Let's have a quickie

for old time's sake.

That's not a crazy idea.

I like that idea and I will support it.

Let's do it like we used to--

real nasty!

[Honking Horn]

Listen, maybe it's not a good idea.

We don't have the time to do this.

We'll do it real quick. Come on,

baby. You know what Bloopy likes.

- [ Honking]

- Okay, listen, Bloopy?

I'm about to go on.

I have to stay in character.

Now, give it to me, you stud.

- Take it easy there, Bloopy.

- Bloopy's gonna lick you all over.

Okay, listen.

I don't know.

Oh, what the hell.

I can't believe

it's finally over

All of my dreams

are near at hand

I'm gonna kill

that dirty bastard

The time has come

to kill The Ladies Man

The time has come

to kill The Ladies Man

That's right!

- Hal, why don't you just-

- Yeah.

[All Shouting]

[ Man]

He's not here, guys.

This stinks.

This stinks, he's not here

and this stinks

And we know why he's not here

because he's not

He's gone

[ Barney]

So, this is where he lives.

Well, tasteful.

Gentlemen,

let's torch it.

- Hey,

' Lets

[All Screaming]

We really didn't

think that through.

That place was full

of pleather and cologne.

[Lance] It was quite a thrill,

though, when it went up in flames.

Ah, gentlemen,

can I help you?

- A round of beers for my men.

- [All ] Yeah!

- There something else I can help with?

- I think there is. My card.

We're also looking

for this man.

His name is Leon Phelps.

- He also goes by The Lad/es Man.

- [All] Yeah!

- You guys friends of his?

- You might say that.

- [All Chuckling]

- We want to kill him.

Well, he doesn't hang out here.

[ Chuckles]

What would you want to kill a guy

like that for anyway?

He's a dangerous thief

of hearts.

He seduced my wife.

He screwed all our women!

[All]

Yeah!

- That's why you want to kill Phelps.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's why we wanna kill him.

And we're going to.

We're going to catch him

and cut off his tiny little pecker.

- You're not talking about-

- That's him!

[All Shouting]

Get him!

- See you later!

- [Barney] How does he do it?

- He's outsmarted us again.

- Lance, his little black book.

Oh, yes.

Oh,yes,

this is good.

This is very good!

[All Laughing]

- Why is it very good?

- It's the book of all of his numbers.

This is not cool.

This is unfair.

I did not do anything to deserve this.

[Crying]

My houseboat.

It's my houseboat!

[Screaming]

Why?

[ Conversation,

indistinct ]

Mm.

[Leon] This is how my uncle

taught us to drink tea.

You put your pinkie up.

Then take it to your lips, like this.

Julie.

Come on in.

Your friend Leon

has made some suggestions...

pertaining to us

and our love life.

I'm so glad you invited Leon here

to spend this time with us.

I didn't invite Leon--

As far as I'm concerned,

he can stay as long as he wants.

- [Edna] I'll drink to that.

- [Leon] I do too.

If you got some Courvoisier, we could

pour some of that in here too.

Julie, when am I

gonna see your room?

Julie, when am I

gonna see your room?

I am Julie's piano

I am Julie's piano

That's a song

I wrote for you.

Look, you got your nice

little stuffed animals there.

And look at that nice poster

of Rick Astley.

Okay, I told you

this was temporary.

- You don't have to tease me.

- Yes, I do.

I'd like to remind you,

young lady,

about the trailer park of

the sea line, my houseboat...

which I don't

have anymore.

Oh, man.

You know something, Julie? I'm

realizing that my life really sucks.

You know whose fault it is,

don't you?

It is the fault of the Wang.

I should cut this thing off.

- You're not gonna cut it off.

- I know.

That's the craziest thing

I've ever thought of.

But I just can't live

like this anymore.

I'm so tired of being

The Lad/es Man.

You know , you were never

The Ladies Man" to me.

- Really?

- Really.

No, to me you've always been

just plain old Leon Phelps.

A lonely, misguided...

idiot.

[Chuckles]

You know something Julie? Hmm?

I think that you

wrote the mystery letter.

[incredulous Laugh]

Yeah! Leon,

I've never had sex with you,

especially not

in a Laundromat.

Yeah, that is true.

You know what?

It wouldve been really nice

if you had written this letter.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

You know, a girl like you,

that's what I need.

I don't need

some crazy mystery lady.

Well, how could you find

a girl like me?

Yeah, how can I find

a girl like you?

She'd have to be single.

- That would be really nice this time.

- Yeah.

And she'd

have to be attractive.

- Yeah, well, you have that.

- [ Laughs ]

She'd have to have parents that

wouldnt throw you off the porch.

Yeah, that would

be really nice.

And she'd have to have

known you long enough...

to finally realize what a wonderful

person you're capable of being.

Julie, can you

do that again?

,1' All this time ,1'

Like the stormy sea

Reaching for the sky

I' thiS time f.

That's it.

- That is it.

- What? What?

Del an e.

DeLune!

DeLune, DeLune.

Honey DeLune!

Sweet Thing

is Honey DeLune!

That is it!

Oh, my God!

lam rich!

Look out, Chicago!

The Ladies Man is back!

Yes!

[ Lester Narrating] Well, there

goes Leon Phelps, chasing his dream.

But here's a funny thing

about running after a dream--

sometimes what you were dreaming

about was in front of you all along.

Lester, could you just shut up and

give me the number for Honey DeLune?

Right.

Just thought you could

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