The Ladies Man Page #7

use a little advice.

Okay.

5, 9--

[Ringing]

- Hello?

- Guess who, Sweet Thing!

- Leon? Leon Phelps?

- [Chuckles]

That's right, baby.

It's your Laundromat love machine.

Oh, my God! It is!

- So you got my letter, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, when so much time

went by, I thought...

maybe you didn't want

to have anything to do with me.

- I guess that was silly, huh?

- Yes, it was.

- [ Laughs]

- It was downright stupid, baby.

Ever since

we last saw each other,

- I have had this aching in my soul.

- Oh, you did?

Yeah. How about I come over there and

go to town on your money and your ass?

Oh! Heh-heh!

Oh, uh, Leon, you're gonna have

to give me a little bit of time.

- What the hell for?

- To tie up some loose ends.

Baby, I want to leave my whole life

behind and run away with you.

How does a trip around the world

sound for starters?

- Are you paying for it?

- Of course.

- Well, that sounds good.

- Wonderful.

Um, come by and pick me up

tomorrow night. Okay?

All right. Sure, Sweet Thing.

Ha ha!

[ Beeps Off]

- You talking on the phone just now?

- No, sweetheart.

Good.

- Nice try, my friend.

- Hello, Mrs. DeLune.

Hi, Brian.

Here comes the pterodactyl.

Hope you like it.

[Grunting, Groaning]

- ,1' Who's that lady)

- ,1' Who's that lady)

- ,1' Beautiful lady);

- Hey!

- Yo!

- What's up, Aloysius?

- My main man!

- I need some new stuff.

- Man, I got you covered, baby.

- This is all right.

- This is the darkest brown you got?

- Yeah.

- German chocolate. Can't get no deeper.

- Yeah. Aloysius...

- I think you got a deal.

- Yeah. Mm!

Mm!

Get up

on the downstroke

- ,1' Everybody get up ,1'

- Yeah.

- Get up on the downstroke

- That's fight.

- Get up on the downstroke

- Mm-hmm. Player of the year.

- You the man now.

- Get up on the downstroke

- ,1' Everybody get up ,1'

- Cleaner than a broke-dick dog.

- [Men] Hey, Leon!

- Yeah, that's right. It's me.

Hey, there, Leon!

[All Exclaiming]

- You like that?

- I don't believe this.

Custom-made, $100.

- You look like Monkey D.

- Thank you very much.

I just got off the phone

with my Sweet Thing.

She is gonna take me

on a trip around the world.

[ Candy]

Wow! Where you gonna go, Leon?

Well, basically,

around the world, you know.

We'll go to Paris, of course.

We might go to France.

Acapulco, Sweden,

maybe the Solomon Islands.

- You know.

- Well, Leon, you finally made good.

That's the way I like

to look at it, you know.

When a man works hard

all his life...

and dorks hundreds of ladies,

many of whom he don't even remember,

you'd like to think that

at the end of the day...

he'll be given a lot of money

without having to earn it.

[ Scrap ]

I believe that, yes.

So, yes, I think I have found

true happiness. And I raise my glass.

- To happiness.

- [Leon] To happiness.

- [Scrap] Happiness.'

- Thank you.

Mmm!

That is good Courvoisier.

I would love to stay and have

another one, like I usually do,

but I cannot keep the future

Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.

So I bid you adieu. See you

on the other side of the tracks.

- Take care of yourself.

- All right, Scrap.

Julie,

you made it just in time.

I'm on my way to see

the girl of my dreams.

Yeah. Now, that's

what I'm talkin' about.

[ Sighs ]

Leon Phelps.

- Damn!

- Baby, what happened to your face?

This is nothin'. lt's just one

of those Biore patches, that's all.

Sorry about that.

I brought you some flowers.

They look and feel plastic,

but they smell real.

And also I bought you a box

of my favorite Mexican wine.

- It's a little heavy.

- [ Laughs]

Well, you've always

been so... giving.

- Mm.

- Why don't you come on in?

I will. This is my house,

after all. Right?

I mean, this is my statue,

and this is my carpet.

This is my mirror.

That's my urn.

And that is my frieze.

Why don't you go have a seat in the

living room, and I'll fix you a drink.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Let me see if

I remember- Cour-

Courvoisier, yes.

That is the drink.

Yeah. This is a nice place

you got here.

It's no houseboat,

but it's nice.

Can we sell it? [Laughs]

just kiddin'.

My God, this is a butt-load

of cash you got here.

- Is this ours?

- Well, it's ours now.

Well, that's nice, but you should

put that in a safer place,

like a bank or somethin'.

Stop talking.

- I want you to take me, wild man.

- Now?

Yes, now. My husband

won't be back for hours.

- Your husband.

- Yeah. It's no big deal.

You might have to kill him,

but I don't think it'll come to that.

You better be sure it's safe, because

I can guarantee if it was not safe...

I would never do something

of this nature.

Because over the years

I have learned to not do...

- unsafe things, you understand.

- [Sniffs]

- Because-

- Shut up and kiss me.

Okay, listen,

this is very nice, but-

Okay-

Hey, macarena

Listen,

this is not cool.

Why don't we talk first?

We never get to really- Whoa!

- We're never gonna catch this guy.

- Calm down, Barney.

You've gotta take that

defeatist attitude and subdue it.

Wrestle it to the ground.

Pin its-its

well-oiled and...

musky form down hard.

Let it feel your-your...

soft breath on-

on the back of its neck.

[Murmurings]

[Clears Throat]

I mean-

You know what I'm...

trying to get at.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.

- You bet.

- [Honey] Yes! Yes! Yes!

- [Leon] No, no. No.

- Listen, I can't do it.

- What?

- I can't do it. It's not workin'.

- It looks fine.

Oh, no, that is workin'.

Yeah.

But I can't do it.

Somethin' is wrong.

You see, I--

I know I'm in control

of my personal world.

- [ Murmurings]

- Nothing will ever violate my--

my personal space.

That's for sure.

Whoops. Butterfingers.

[All Chuckle]

Let me just grab these keys,

and we'll be right inside.

Something is wrong.

I can't do this.

- You know, I think that I'm in love.

- What?

Yeah. When you sent that letter,

all I could think about was the money.

But then when we started to do it, all

I could think about was Julie's face.

I don't mean like thinkin' about some

hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.

- This was sensitive.

- [ Exasperated Sigh]

Gentlemen, please step into

the serenity...

of my beautiful foyer.

- All right.

- All right.

Listen- Listen, Honey,

I don't think this is a good idea.

- I'm tell/'ogy0u--

- [Kissing] Remember ho w--

Yeah, I know--

Gettin' it together.

[ Nervous Chuckle] Hi, sweetheart.

Have you met Leon Phelps?

- Yeah, what's happenin'?

- [ Murmuring, Wailing]

- [Lance] Son of a b*tch!

- Don't say son of a b*tch."

That's not nice.

What's wrong with you fellas?

- Oh, my God!

- [All Murmur]

- [Man] My wife had that?

- Yeah, she did.

- [ Groans]

- I can understand you bein' angry,

but you can't blame

the Wang.

- Well, he's got a point.

- I mean, that's a beauty.

Kill him!

- Yeah!

- Yeah! No!

Yeah, you heard what he said.

No!

I've waited longer for this

than anyone.

Gentlemen... he's mine.

- And he's dead.

- Yeah! Yeah!

Rate this script:4.0 / 2 votes