The Lady Eve Page #3

Oh. You say that's

why you've never married?

Oh, no. It's just that I...

I've never met her.

I suppose she's around

somewhere in the world.

It would be too bad

if you never bumped into each other.

Well...

I- I suppose you know

what she looks like and everything.

I think so.

I'll bet she looks like

Marguerite in Faust.

Oh, no, she isn't...

I mean, she hasn't...

She's not as bulky as an opera singer.

- Oh. How are her teeth?

- Huh?

You should always pick one out with

good teeth. It saves expense later.

- Oh, now you're kidding me.

- Not badly.

You have a right to have an ideal.

Oh, I guess we all have one.

What does yours look like?

He's a little short guy

with lots of money.

- Why short?

- What does it matter if he's rich?

It's so he'll look up to me,

so I'll be his ideal.

- That's a funny kind of reasoning.

- Well, look who's reasoning.

And when he takes me out to dinner,

he'll never add up the check.

And he won't smoke greasy cigars

or use grease on his hair, and...

- Oh, yes, he won't do card tricks.

- Oh!

Oh, it's not that I mind

your doing card tricks, Hopsie.

It's just that you naturally wouldn't

want your ideal to do card tricks.

I shouldn't think that kind of ideal

was so difficult to find.

Oh, he isn't.

That's why he's my ideal.

What's the sense of having one

if you can't ever find him?

Mine is a practical ideal...

you can find two or three of

in every barber shop getting the works.

Why don't you marry one of them?

Why should I marry

anybody that looked like that?

When I marry, it's going to be somebody

I've never seen before.

I won't know what he looks like or

where he'll come from or what he'll be.

I want him to sort of

take me by surprise.

Like a burglar.

That's right.

And the night will be

heavy with perfume,

and I'll hear a step behind me...

and somebody breathing heavily.

And then...

Oh!

Ohhh! You better go to bed, Hopsie.

I think I can sleep peacefully now.

I wish I could say the same.

Why, Hopsie!

Ah, good morning, Mr. Murgatroyd.

- I trust I see you full of sparkle.

- Morning.

- Have a dish of tea?

- I had my breakfast.

Where I come from

we get up in the morning.

And where did it get you?

Or is that a personal question?

- Where did it get me?

- Good morning, sir.

Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs, eggs

and sausage, sausage and hot cakes,

hot cakes and ham, ham and eggs,

eggs and bacon, bacon and...

Give me a spoonful of milk,

a raw pigeon's egg and four houseflies.

If you can't catch any, I'll settle

for a cockroach. I'll be on deck.

- Did you get it?

- Close enough.

-

- There. Dunk your whiskers in that.

- How much you say you win last night?

- About $600.

- I'm going to try to lose it back.

- I don't get it.

- I lose 40 bucks to their valet,

and I figure the guy's a cutie.

- Because he took you?

Who do you think you are,

Houdini?

You don't have to be a whodunit

to tell a cold deck.

All you have to know

is the difference between hot and cold.

- That guy rung a cold deck in on me.

- Balderdash!

You're always suspicious

of everybody.

Remember the clergyman you said was a

pickpocket and he turned out a bishop?

- I still ain't so sure.

- The guy trying to slip you a mickey?

- Only he was taking aspirin.

- I ain't so sure about him neither.

I suppose you think this

gentleman and his daughter...

lost $600 to me just

so they could fleece me later.

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Well, in the first place,

he happens to be Colonel Harrington,

a very important oil man.

In the second place,

I'm an expert card player.

I've been fooling with cards

all my life. I do tricks with cards.

They might know a couple of

tricks you ain't seen yet.

What's the matter?

Oh, I'm sorry.

That slimy snake.

- I've been dreaming about him all night.

- You mean Pike?

No, his reptile.

He travels with a snake act.

He's a... He's an ophi...

Oh, I don't know.

He likes snakes.

You mean he isn't

in the beer business?

He's in the ale business.

It seems there's a very big difference.

You had me worried. I thought

we'd sweetened the wrong kitty.

Oh, no, he's the real McPike. Hmm.

- That poor sap. That card trick.

- Tragic.

- What are you dealing?

- Fifths.

- Like heck you're dealing fifths.

- Want to bet?

Do it again.

Now let me see the aces.

Hmm.

Now, let me see them.

- I don't believe it.

- It's just virtuosity.

- Harry.

- Yes, darling?

Tell me my fortune.

Good morning.

Thank you for the roses.

Gee, you look pretty.

I hope you slept well.

I'm still a little jumpy.

How is that, uh, Emma?

- She's just having breakfast.

- What does she eat? Don't tell me.

No, I won't.

I hope you didn't mind

my asking you to breakfast.

It wouldn't be polite

if I said I did, would it?

- No, I don't suppose it would.

- And it wouldn't be true either.

You have the darnedest way of bumping

a fellow down and bouncing him up again.

- And then bumping him down again.

- Oh.

I could imagine life with you

being a series of ups and downs,

lights and shadows, some irritation,

but very much happiness.

Why, Hopsie!

Are you proposing to me so soon?

- No, of course not. I'm just...

- Then you ought to be more careful.

- People have been sued for much less.

- Not by girls like you.

Don't you know it's dangerous to trust

people you don't know very well?

- Well, I know you very well.

- People you haven't known very long.

Oh, I've known you

a long time in a way.

Breakfast, sir?

- What did you say?

- I said breakfast, sir?

Two scotch and sodas with plain water.

You take it plain, don't you?

- Don't you take cream and sugar in it?

- No, I always drink it black.

Oh.

- Say, what am I talking about?

- That's what I was wondering.

How about a nice bicarbonate of soda

with an egg in it? It does wonders.

He doesn't understand.

- Want the strippers on the right?

- I hardly need them, Gerald.

- I can take this boy with a deck.

- Just to be on the safe side.

- High card cuts on the outside,

cold hands in the middle.

- Cold hands I love

Blue readers on the outside,

red nearest the heart.

- I could play the whole ship with these.

- Hello, Harry. Hello, Gerald.

- Hello, Jean.

- Greetings, my little minx.

I hope I find you well and that

your little pal hasn't fallen overboard.

- With our $600.

- He's jut gone to dress for dinner.

You'd better do the same, because

we are going to play cards tonight.

- And I don't mean "old maid. "

- I think Charles is in love with me.

- No!

- Of course he's in love with you.

Who is he not to be in love with you who

have beautified the North Atlantic?

- Better men than he...

- I mean on the level.

- The others were on the bias?

- Oh, stop kidding.

I'm not kidding. I was never more

delighted. You have as usual taken...

- You don't get the point. I like him.

- Why shouldn't you like him?

There's as fine a specimen of the sucker

sapiens as I've have ever seen.

- There's a man who does card tricks!

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