The Lady Eve Page #5

boy is standing, holding your hand.

In the middle distance,

I'm still with you,

not holding your hand anymore

because it isn't manly, but wanting to.

And then still further,

we look terrible.

You with your legs like

a colt and mine like a calf.

What I'm trying to say is... only

I'm not a poet, I'm an ophiologist...

I've always loved you.

I mean, I've never loved anyone but you.

I know that sounds dull

as a drugstore novel,

and what I see inside

I'll never be able to cast into words,

but that's what I mean.

I wish we were married

and on our honeymoon now.

So do I. But it isn't

as simple as all that, Hopsie.

I'm terribly in love,

and you seem to be too.

So one of us has to think

and try and keep things clear.

Maybe I can do that better

than you can.

They say a moonlit deck

is a woman's business office.

- Are you the purser?

- Just a moment. Mr. Klink, please.

- You the purser?

- Yes. What is it, please?

I want to ask you

a "hypothermical" question.

- Maybe that would be better

to ask the doctor.

- Never mind the wisecracks.

What I want the dope on is, if there

happened to be card sharks on this tub...

Shh! Not so loud, please. In

the first place, there isn't any, and...

- Could you prove it if there was?

- A passenger is a passenger, my friend.

If he pays for his ticket and

doesn't steal the ship's towels,

who are we to go slandering him?

You don't happen to be a mouthpiece?

You talk like a law school.

I was admitted to the BAR,

if that's what you're talking about.

The drinks are on you.

I watch out for the kid, the Pike kid.

I watch out for him,

and you're gonna watch out for him,

or you'll be right on the beach

sellin' popcorn.

His old man knows your president.

A wire from me is all it takes.

When old man Pike goes into action,

you'll be in the side pocket.

- All I gotta do...

- You needn't try to intimidate me, Mr...

- Murgatroyd to you.

- Troygamoyd.

If I should discover that Mr. Pike

was in any danger of being swindled,

I might have some photographs...

confidential, of course...

of some of the better known

alleged professional card players.

Not that I admit there are any

on this ship. You understand?

Naw, they're swimming

alongside in the water.

Come in.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Harry.

- Think you're pretty smart, don't you?

- You know I had to.

You're such an old scoundrel.

You'd skin me if you had the chance.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

- Are you really in love with this mug?

- Uh-huh.

Don't you think it a little dangerous?

I don't mean for us, for your heart.

They're apt to be slightly

narrow-minded, these righteous people.

A man who couldn't forgive

wouldn't be much of a man.

What about his family?

You're going to tell him

who we are before you marry him?

- I presume he's offered you marriage.

- Of course he did.

- And you're going to tell him?

- Of course.

But you're not going to tell him

till you get off the boat.

You'd have to be fair

to Gerald and to me.

Naturally.

I hope you'll never be unhappy.

I hope I'll never be more unhappy

than I am right now.

- He's waiting for you?

- Uh-huh.

- And you're in a hurry to get to him?

- Uh-huh!

Then I'll leave you.

Good morning.

- Oh, what do you want?

- How much did you lose last night?

- Nothing. Why?

- You see?

There's something screwy somewhere.

This is a gang of sharpies.

Sherlock Holmes!

What's the matter, did you lose?

- The guy lets me win a few fish.

- So you get twice as suspicious?

- That's right?

- You ought to put handles on that skull.

- Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.

- Yeah?

Well, get a load of this and see

what you can grow in it. Gratitude!

That's what you get

for savin' a guy's life.

Philo Vance!

If you didn't lose any money last night,

I would prefer you didn't look in there.

- I didn't lose any.

- There's only one other possibility.

They might be aiming

at higher game.

What are you talking about?

You haven't fallen in love,

have you?

What's it got to do with you?

Look at the photograph. I'll take

the consequences. Good morning, sir.

- Straight scotch.

- Yes, sir.

Why, Hopsie! What

are you doing at the bar at this hour?

- Good morning.

- Morning, darling.

You look like the last grave

over near the willow.

Are you worried about something?

- Should I be?

- Of course you should,

falling in love with a girl

in the middle of an ocean.

You see, Hopsie,

you don't know very much about girls.

The best ones aren't as good

as you probably think they are,

and the bad ones

aren't as bad.

Not nearly as bad.

You're right to worry, falling in love

with an adventuress on the high seas.

- Are you an adventuress?

- All women are. They have to be.

If you waited for a man to propose,

you'd die of old maidenhood.

That's why I let you try my slippers on,

and then I put my cheek against yours;

then I made you put

your arms around me,

and then I...

I fell in love with you,

which wasn't in the cards.

- Jean.

- Yes, darling?

What's that?

You'd better look.

Rotten likeness, isn't it?

I never cared for that picture.

Good morning. Breakfast?

Melon, grapefruit, orange juice?

- Just some coffee, please.

- Yes, indeed.

Please don't look so upset. I was going

to tell you when we got to New York.

I would have told you, only it wouldn't

have been fair to Harry and Gerald.

You never know how someone's

going to take things like that.

And... well...

maybe I wanted you to love me

a little more too.

You believe me, don't you?

You don't think I was going to marry you

without telling you?

You don't think that badly of me.

Or do you?

Why didn't you let your father

rob me last night?

If you didn't believe what I just told

you, you wouldn't believe that either.

You wouldn't understand.

Anyway, I'm...

I'm glad you got the picture

this morning instead of last night,

if that means anything to you.

It should.

You thought you were having

a lot of fun with me, didn't you?

L...

I was having a lot of fun

with you, Hopsie.

More fun than I've ever

had with anybody.

You were certainly very funny

showing Harry how to palm a card.

- You were pretty funny yourself.

- When?

Trying to play me for a sucker

when they told me who you were

the morning after I met you.

- Who told you?

- Never mind who told me.

You mean you were playing me

for a sucker?

I don't believe it.

But if you were...

If you were just trying

to make me feel cheap and hurt me,

you succeeded handsomely.

You ought to be very proud

of yourself, Mr. Pike.

Very proud of yourself.

Your coffee, miss!

There, there, there.

My gracious! You know you shouldn't

draw to an inside straight.

I hate that mug. I hate him!

There, there.

When I think we let that sucker off

scot-free, it makes my blood boil!

- I told you not to mix business.

- I won't again, believe me.

- "Scot-free" is perhaps an exaggeration.

- Hmm?

How did you do it?

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