The Lady Eve Page #6

Don't you remember he showed me

how to palm things?

With two strokes of a hot iron,

it'll come out like new.

I feel a lot better already.

Come on, baby! Roll,

you sweet pappy! Roll them heels!

- He took it too wide.

- He'll be all right.

- In a pig's neck, he'll be all right.

- Come on, pappy!

- Pappy needs them pennies!

- Keep it down to a riot!

Oh, baby, don't do that!

What I can't understand

is how he finished fifth!

There were only

five horses in the race.

What do you expect when you bet

on a goat called "After You"?

Pardon me,

but is this seat taken?

My dear Harry!

Bless my soul!

- William at the moment.

- William, of course.

I'm enchanted to see you again,

My dear William. And you, Gerald.

- And the lady pretty as a pack of aces.

- Hello, Pearlie.

Sir Alfred at the moment,

my pretty child.

Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith

at your service.

You're certainly a sight

for lame peepers. I've seen nobody,

absolutely not a soul in our set,

since the boat stopped running.

- What's your pitch, Pearlie?

- Sir Alfred.

I have a little nest on the edge

of a town called Bridgefield,

a town that's

full of millionaires.

It's in the heart of the contract

bridge belt, a wonderful game!

- Bridgefield, Connecticut?

- Precisely. I have my dogs.

I have my horses. I have

my little house. I have my antiques.

We play a little game here and a little

game there, then we play somewhere else.

Sometimes my luck is good.

Sometimes my luck is better.

- One thing and another, what a dream!

- How do you meet them?

The chumps? When one's name

is Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith, R.F.D.,

one doesn't have to meet them.

One fights them off with sticks. Then

again, just think, there's no hurry!

- You have them by the year like a lease.

- Ah, Pearlie.

- Tell me, do you know the Pikes?

- What do you care if he does?

Oh, do I know them?

I positively swill in their ale.

Good old Horace.

What a card player.

Do you know Charles?

Is he the tall, backward boy who's

always toying with toads and things?

- I think I have seen him skulking about.

- He isn't backward.

- He's a scientist.

- Oh, is that what it was?

I knew he was... peculiar.

Well, it's charming to have seen you

again. Now, what have we in the fifth?

- Say, Pearlie.

- Yeah?

- Could I visit you sometime?

- Could you visit me sometime?

- As your niece.

- As my niece?

My dear girl,

you have to be English.

I've been English before.

I shall be as English as necessary.

Why don't you stop talking nonsense?

Because I want to see that guy.

I've got some unfinished

business with him.

I need him like the axe

needs the turkey!

Better go make your bets.

Come, landlord

fill the flowing bowl

Until it doth run over

For tonight

we'll merry, merry be

For tonight

we'll merry, merry be

For tonight

we'll merry, merry be

Tomorrow we'll be sober

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Black tie or white tie?

You can wear a green one for all I care.

What party is that?

Who's giving it?

Oh! We are!

Well, it's funny they wouldn't

say something to me about it.

Yeah,

this is Mr. Pike speaking. Mr. Who?

I don't get it. I'll probably

meet you at the party tonight anyhow.

By the way, what time is it? Thanks.

Nuthouse.

Hey, where is everybody?

Where's my breakfast?

"Crest:
A lion couchant gardant or...

holding between the paws an escutcheon

sable charged with a cock proper.

Motto:
Hyphen sic erat in fatis. "

- Here, you do it.

- Nonsense! It's perfectly simple.

Second or third, a fesse dancette,

between three crosses crosslet.

- Crosses crosslet.

- That's right.

- Horses horselet!

- Emile!

- Nutzes nutslet! Wit gules!

- Remember who you are!

- Yes, sir?

- When do I eat?

- They must have overlooked you.

I'll get you something right away.

- It's about time.

- You'll regret this day, my lad!

- Fusils!

- Oh, that's all very well.

- Fitchee! Fitchee!

- Where's the snake food?

- Oh, get it yourself, Ambrose!

Lay off the Ambrose.

Why didn't you shave in your room?

- Keep your remarks to yourself.

- What's the matter with him?

- Fitchee!

- Where's the snake food?

- In the icebox.

Where do you think it is?

- What's the matter with everybody?

- The master's breakfast, please.

- You can take it up with somebody else.

What did I do?

Hey, you!

- Huh?

- Come here.

While you're inside...

No speak.

Ohhh!

If that's the knife sharpener,

take him around to the back.

Yes, ma'am.

You just sit there,

and I'll be back before you can say...

- Piano?

- What do you want?

- Where's the piano, kindly?

- Where do you think it is?

- I'll show you.

- And don't forget to come back.

- Say, Burrows.

- Yes, sir. Good morning, sir.

- You haven't seen a little

brown crotalis colobrinus, have you?

- With pink spots.

I rejoice to say

that I have not, sir.

That's all I'd be needing

this morning.

Thank you, sir.

Okay. And try

and keep off the grass.

Next!

Where'd you get that thing?

- Good evening, my man.

- How are you?

- Uh...

- Come on, lady.

We're holding up the traffic.

Come, my dear.

Right you are, Glenny. Coming.

And keep off the grass. Next!

Just here, Your Ladyship.

- Good evening, Burrows. Yeah.

- Sir Alfred.

- Your Ladyship.

- Your Ladyship.

Your Ladyship.

The Lady Eve Sidwich...

and Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith.

- Welcome, my dear.

- Good evening.

- Sir Alfred.

- Hello, hello, hello!

How are you, Glenny?

Glad to see you, you old rascal.

- Horace, my lad.

My niece Lady Sidwich.

- How do you do?

Well, this is a surprise, miss, uh...

Say, what do I call you?

Well, Horace,

I should think you'd know.

Oh, please.

Just call me Eve.

Just plain Eve.

Isn't that wonderful?

You're just the kind of a girl

I've been looking for all my life.

- We'll get this over with quick,

and you and I will have a little drink.

- Ripping!

Just the word for it. Come on.

I hope Horace won't

frighten her to death.

- How long has she been in America?

- Three days.

- Three days,

and to meet Horace right away.

- Oh, I don't know.

How did she come over?

I didn't know the boats were running.

- A battleship.

- A battleship?

- Well, actually, a cruiser.

- But then she must be very, very...

- Oh, very!

- Well!

Oh, dear!

Naturally, I was frightfully anxious

to see Uncle Alfred,

and as I didn't know

just where Connect-i-cut was...

I took the tube.

The subway.

And to the official, I said, " Be so good

as to let me off at Connect-i-cut. "

You see, I thought

we'd have the boxes...

sent up on a dray

later that afternoon.

- The what?

- Trunks on a truck.

So he said, " Lady,

I don't know where Connect-i-cut is,

but this train goes to Harlem. "

But I don't know how

he knew I was a lady!

So I said, " Do you think

I'd do better on a tram?"

And he said,

"Well, now, uh... you couldn't do worse. "

So I thanked him

and returned to the street.

Oh, but I must say

I felt an awful fool!

- Then how did you get here?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes