The Lady Eve Page #7

- I took a taxi.

- From New York?

- Oh, yes!

Oh, Charlie,

I want you to meet Lady Eve Sidwich.

- How do you do?

- Go on.

The chauffeur said it wasn't far,

so I said, "Very well. "

- But the city seemed enormous!

- At 20 cents a mile!

- Isn't your son feeling well?

- What's the matter with you?

Well... I mean to say, uh...

haven't we met?

But of course we have!

Your father just introduced us.

- Aren't you feeling well?

- Uh... sure.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You meant,

hadn't you met me before someplace.

- Yes.

- Very probably. Let me see.

Where could it have been?

- Deauville? Biarritz?

- No. No.

I know! Le Touquet!

You had a moustache at the time,

and you tried to meet me in the casino.

- No.

- Huh. I give up.

Let's have a drink.

It couldn't have been

on the S.S. Southern Queen between here

and South America, could it?

Oh, I'm afraid not. You see,

I've never been in South America.

You've never been

in South America?

She's never been

in South America.

As a matter of fact,

I've never been in North America

until about three days ago.

Oh, you haven't? Well,

you weren't on the S.S. Southern Queen.

Say, what's the matter with you?

Oh, uh... I'm sorry.

Oh! Were you in love with her?

He was in love with her, but

he don't remember what she looked like.

Don't let them tease you.

You can tell me all about her.

Well, on some days my son

seems brighter than others.

Well, I don't know

what she looked like,

but if she looked

anything like you, here's to her.

Thank you.

It was a white one

with enormous teeth!

- Dinner is served, madam.

- Thank you, Burrows. Dinner, Horace.

Oh. Come on.

Let's put on the feed bag.

Take my arm, and we'll

fight our way through.

Charming. Simply charming.

- Did you hurt yourself?

- No, I'm fine.

- Oh.

- I just...

You haven't been hitting

the bottle lately, have you?

- Of course he hasn't.

Anybody's apt to trip.

- Not over a sofa.

That sofa's been there for 15 years,

and no one ever fell over it before.

Oh, well,

now the ice is broken.

You go upstairs and take a bath,

and I'll like you just as much as ever.

There's a good boy.

Toodle-oo!

So long.

Oh!

That's the same dame. She looks

the same, she walks the same...

and she's tossing you

just like she done the last time.

- She doesn't talk the same.

- Anybody can put on an act.

Guess who I am.

- Weren't her eyes closer together?

- They were not.

They were right where they are,

on each side of her nose.

- Why should she do it?

- I don't know. Maybe she wants you

to fall for her again.

- Do I look that dumb?

- You wouldn't be the first one.

I knew a guy married

the same dame three times,

then turned around

and married her aunt.

- No.

- Huh?

- They look too much alike.

- You said it. There couldn't be two...

They look too much alike

to be the same.

That's what I've been telling you.

They... Huh?

If she came here with her hair

dyed yellow and eyebrows different or...

What's hair to a skirt?

I used to go with a little Eskimo dame...

She didn't dye her hair, and she didn't

pretend she'd never seen me before.

- She says I look familiar.

- Why shouldn't you?

Because if I did,

she wouldn't admit it.

If she didn't look so exactly like

the other girl, I might be suspicious.

You don't understand psychology.

If you wanted to pretend

you were someone else,

you'd glue a muff on your chin,

and the dog wouldn't even bark at you.

You tryin' to tell me this ain't

the same rib was on the boat?

She even wears the same perfume!

I don't know.

It's the same dame.

Oh, there he is!

I had to change my coat.

Well, don't knock the table over.

- All right now?

- Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.

Happens to the best of us, you know.

I remember a night in Bombay.

Have you ever been in Bombay?

- You're just there.

- I've been in Egypt.

I remember a night in Egypt.

I was with a small party of friends,

and one day, while

shooting crocodiles...

- You missed some very nice soup.

- That's too bad.

- The fish was a poem.

- That's fine.

Did you hear how the Lady Eve

got to this country?

- How?

- You must promise not to tell a soul.

- I won't.

- In a submarine.

No! Is that so?

Do you know that I find your son

very handsome?

- No! Hmm!

- Yes, quite.

- What's this?

- Why don't you look

where you're goin'?

Why don't you keep your nose

out of other people's business?

- Quiet!

- For two cents, I'd smack you right...

- Oh, pish tush!

- Bah!

Why don't you look where...

Here, give me that.

- What do you mean?

- Come on!

So the deaf man said,

"What did you say?"

And the other passenger said...

"I hear you buried your wife. "

So the deaf man said,

"I didn't quite hear you. "

Oh.

Over here.

What do you think you're doing

in the dining room?

- What does it look like I'm doing?

- Tsk.

- So sorry, sir.

- It's about time.

And then the other

passenger said...

Come on. Ladies first.

I'm so sorry.

I thought he was passing it to me.

Go on.

Will you throw that roughneck

out of here, or will I have to?

With enthusiasm, sir.

That's the same dame.

I can tell by the way...

- I'll take over from here,

Mr. Murgatroyd.

- You and who else?

- I said, I'll take over

from here, Ambrose.

- "Ambrose"?

I said I'll take over.

I said I'll take over from here.

You have no right in this room.

Well, I'll be!

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

Excuse me.

Oh, dear! Again?

Why don't you put on

a bathing suit?

And then the countryman said,

"But dash it all, mister.

"If I muss the moss,

I'll miss the mass.

And I've never been

behind before, besides. "

It was absolutely priceless!

- Ripping!

- You mean top-hole.

There you are, laddie, and very nice

too. Did you purchase it locally?

It's the last one. Anything happens

to this, I'll have to wear a bath towel.

Oh, don't let it depress you, laddie.

Worse things happen

in the best families.

I remember an incident

in Calcutta...

I hope your niece

doesn't think I'm a half-wit.

Oh, bumble-puppy! Why, she's used

to having young men fall for her.

You know, I think that's

rather neat for a nobleman.

- It's just that this girl on the boat...

- There was a girl on a boat?

- She looked

so exactly like your niece...

- Shhh!

Did she have the McGlennan eyes?

The cornflower blue?

- I think so.

- You must never mention

a word of this to a soul.

- What do you mean?

- You're rattling the skeleton.

I'm afraid you've stumbled on the sorrow

of Sidwich, the secret of the century.

- I don't quite follow.

- Meet me in yonder window embrasure,

and look as though

you know nothing.

Shhh. You see, the earl

was considerably older than her mama,

who must never

be mentioned again.

- Oh.

- It was a sort of May/November romance.

Even a March/December,

if you follow me.

Shhh! She'd die of shame

if she thought I told you,

except that she doesn't

know it herself.

You see, into the gulf that separated

this unfortunate couple...

there was a coachman

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