The Lady Is Willing Page #2

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I want to ask you something.

Where is it now? Here.

What do you fill this with?

I don't wish to seem

unreasonable,

but was the contents of

a feeding bottle the subject

of this emergency call?

The call? Oh, no, no.

I just said that.

You know how doctors are.

Unless they think

someone is actually dying,

they just dawdle along.

I was called here to examine

a 2-year-old child.

Well, yes, yes, here she is,

my own precious darling Johanna.

This? This is an infant

of about 8 or 9 months.

Yes, there was a slight

mistake about the age.

She's so smart that I always

think of her as being much older.

Aren't you, my angel?

If you wish, I'll examine

the child. Otherwise,

I have calls to make.

Of course, I want you

to examine her. I want you

to do much more.

I want you to give me a full

regimen for her:
food, exercise

and everything. Everything physical.

I'm going to take care of

the cultural development myself.

I'm sure there's no one

more competent.

Thank you.

Where may I wash my hands?

Right over there.

I want you to be at hand

any time we need you.

Would it be too much trouble

for you to move into this building?

It would be a great deal

too much trouble, Miss Madden.

Doctor, do you have any favourites

among your tiny patients?

Or do you just fall in love

with all of them?

I never have favourites, nor do I fall

in love with them as individuals.

Frankly, Miss Madden,

I detest children of all ages.

I detest infants particularly.

What?

But that can't be.

A man who dislikes children

simply can't be a baby specialist.

On the contrary, Miss Madden,

that is absolutely the case.

And I didn't use the word "dislike".

I said "detest".

Children simply fail to strike

a responsive chord in me.

The infant's chest

seems perfect.

Please don't say "infant".

It sounds so unaffectionate.

As though she had no personality.

Please call her Johanna.

Miss Madden, might I suggest

that you choose a different name

for Johanna.

She happens to be a male.

What?

A boy?

But that can't be.

He, I mean, she...

I mean, he was wearing all pink.

He just can't be a boy.

Everybody knows girls wear pink

and boys wear blue.

Don't you know that?

Many years ago

medical science discovered

a much better way

of segregating boys and girls

than by the colour

of their clothing.

Albert, Alexander, Abraham?

Arthur?

No, no, pet, that's one of yesterday's

toys before the doctor came.

You wouldn't like that.

Where have we got the little...?

Oh, here they are.

Look!

Bertram, Bernard, Boyd?

What is that roll call

you're reading, anyway?

A list of your favourite taxi drivers?

No, they're all right here in this book

for expectant mothers to help choose

a suitable name.

Benjamin, Bailey, Bradford...?

Buster? Bouvert?

Bouvert?

Bouvert. It says Bouvert.

Where? Never even heard of it.

What's he supposed to do

when you hit the right one?

Whistle through his teeth

or get up and do a time step?

C'est I'heure pour

le dner de mon enfant.

Leave him here until it's ready.

I'll bring him in.

Oui, madame.

Not bad.

I think French governesses are cute.

And Jo... I mean, he loves her.

He seems to have weathered

the quick shift in sex all right.

You're taking it calmly too.

Of course I'm delighted.

A boy is so much less likely

to get into trouble than a girl.

A boy will be so nice.

A tall, handsome son

to take me out to dinner.

Now, come on, angel.

Pay attention.

Try and concentrate, hmm?

Batiste?

Listen, Liza,

Batiste will be passing you

gum drops through

the bars of Sing Sing

if you don't take my advice

and let me smuggle...

Let me sneak him into a police station

and then run like everything.

Stop being childish.

Go and see some more lawyers.

Keep on trying until you find

someone with sense.

I've seen all the lawyers in New York.

I'm stymied until Harvard

graduates some more.

And I know what they'll say too.

Technically...

I'm the kidnapper.

And there's nothing to do but turn him

over to the proper authorities.

No, I'm going to adopt him.

Liza, for the 961 st time,

you can't!

However maternal you may be feeling

at this particular moment,

the courthouse records

list you as unmarried.

You're single and strapped.

And they don't let people

adopt babies unless

they're married or have money.

That's silly. I make more money

than most people who have babies.

I make lots of money.

You make lots of money, yes.

You have lots of money, no.

You give it away to that

crummy list of pensioners.

All right, then go

and get me some more.

Let's find another page.

Carol? No, you didn't

like that one. Carter?

The Case for

the Bottle Baby, Infant...

Don't you like any of them, darling?

He just sits there.

I remember an audience

in Cedar Rapids once

that behaved the same way.

Maybe we can make one up.

How's that?

Make up a number,

then when you get yours,

he won't feel slighted.

Now, let's see.

Barry, Carey, Gary...

Call him "Catastrophe".

Oh, no. That's much too long.

Now, let's see. Corey.

How's that? I just made it up.

And he likes it.

Corey? Well, isn't there somebody

in the building by that name?

You're thinking of what

I'm going to commit to

keep us out of jail: hari-kari.

He likes it!

There's my angel.

Hello, Corey, darling.

He loves it.

Miss Elizabeth Madden's apartment.

George! I thought I told you

not to call me during

my business hours.

Well, what I care about the...

What's that you say? What?!

Miss Liz, Miss Liz.

The police, Miss Liz.

Mary Lou, don't startle

Corey that way.

He might stutter.

Mary Lou, don't be ridiculous.

No, but George seen them.

Two policemen, he said,

a police lady asking about a baby.

On their way up here?

They's in the elevator right now.

Now, let's keep calm, everybody.

Mary Lou, you take the toys,

hide them in the icebox.

Buddy, take Corey and

hide him in the nursery.

And tell that French dame,

Frou-Frou, or whatever

her name is, to lock the door.

We have to keep our heads.

Let's start again

and get organised.

Give the baby to me.

No, leave him to me

before you kill him.

You distract them until I get back.

Give them some drinks,

offer them some passes.

Maybe I should just run

my fingers through their hair.

Yes? What is it?

We'd like to see Miss Madden.

Sorry, but this is the hour

Miss Madden rests and

has her massage.

It's a strenuous part

she has. Have you seen

the play? Would you...?

No.

Buddy, is that the photographer

the Press Department was sending up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Good afternoon, Miss Madden.

How do you do?

I'm Sergeant Barnes,

and Mrs Cummings of

the Child Welfare Department.

How do you do?

And this is Patrolman Murphy.

How do you do?

Miss Madden, I'd like to ask you

a few questions about a baby.

A baby?!

A baby was abandoned in

a rooming house on 47th Street.

Murphy was investigating

the case when a woman offered

to hold the baby for him.

She walked off with the baby.

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