The Lady Is Willing Page #3

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Why, do you mean she...?

Uh-huh. Vanished. We found

the cab driver who drove her

and the baby to this building.

But you can't have babies here,

it's in the lease.

Murphy and the other witnesses

say that this lady was wearing

the screwiest hat they'd ever seen.

That's hardly a distinguishing

characteristic these days.

So we come here and we ask

the bellboys what lady wears

the screwiest hats.

And every one of them

says Miss Madden.

Well. The bellboys.

What do they know

about hats anyway?

So we thought you wouldn't

mind if we looked around,

just to see if we could

sort of find a baby

that perhaps you hadn't noticed.

That's an outrage.

Aren't you supposed to have

a certificate or a writ or something?

Swing low, sweet chariot

Them gates is locked

And closed up good and tight

Swing low, sweet chariot

Can't nobody get that little mite

I thought I heard somebody.

Well, sergeant, help yourself.

Buddy, show them

through the place.

Oh, well, there really isn't

very much to see, captain.

We lead such a quiet life here.

This is the living room

where we live.

Shall we sit down, Mrs Canning?

This is the library or

the smoking room where we...

Smoke, I suppose.

Your work must be fascinating,

Mrs Cunning.

Cummings.

Yes, I suppose it is.

Frankly, Mrs Cummings, don't

you think it's rather ridiculous

suspecting me of kidnapping?

On the contrary, we have many

similar cases. It happens every day.

Generally to women

whose lives have been so selfish

that they've never experienced

the normal feelings of love

and self-sacrifice.

It's very interesting, Miss Madden.

When the lipstick's gone,

Miss Madden puts

buckshot in them

and we hold up filling stations.

You might recognise

the headpiece.

Is this all?

Except the chute that

whooshes the bodies

down to the East River.

That's it!

Say, take it easy there, sonny,

a lot of those aren't paid for.

Oh, well, what's that?

One of your hats.

Would you mind trying it on?

Well, that old thing.

I haven't worn that in years.

I can't think how that got

back in the cupboard.

Would you try it on, please?

Try it on... Of course.

Certainly.

Now, I don't think that's

so screwy, do you?

Oh, you wouldn't know it.

Well?

It don't look much like it.

OK, come on.

I'm sorry to upset

your house like this,

but you understand,

we've got a job to do.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

It was rather interesting.

Tip us off next time.

We'll put some beer on ice.

Sorry. I was going to knock.

I didn't know you had

company, Miss Madden.

Well, come right in.

They were just leaving.

Although, they're not

exactly company.

Do come in.

No, thanks.

I wanted to tell you the owners

decided it can be arranged

for you to take

the apartment next door

as a nursery for your baby.

No.

Pardon me.

Well, try and get us connecting

cells with a bath between.

She's a swell kid but I have

to add and subtract for her.

If I give you my word it's all right,

would you wait outside

while I dress him?

Of course I will, Miss Madden.

But the more you prolong it,

the more difficult it'll be.

Don't tell me the longer

I keep him the harder

the parting's going to be.

I know it, and still I want to keep him

every extra minute, every second

I can have him.

I don't care how painful it makes it.

And I don't care

if you're an expert

at your profession.

You'd know that if you had

any children of your own.

I was thinking that the time I get

uptown, it'll be nearly 7:00.

I live in Brooklyn, it's a long trip.

I was wondering if the ends of justice

wouldn't be just as well served

if I left him here tonight and

stop off in the morning and get him.

I'm sorry for what I said,

Mrs Cummings.

I'll be glad to get home early.

My little brood can't get fed

till I get there.

I have five of my own,

Miss Madden.

Good night.

Leeches, leeches, leeches.

Billy Black,

acrobat hospital bill, 75.

Quartermine's doorman,

back alimony

for second wife, 75.

Faye Brown, ventriloquist,

new head repairs on dummy, 25.

I thought I heard you...

Liza! What are you doing at home

in that finale costume?

We can't afford to replace it.

I wanted to get home to Corey.

Here's that pension list

you asked for. And I've some

drastic cuts to suggest.

Now, look. We can cut

Uncle Charles to 50.

Great Uncle Charles?

Oh, no, no. I couldn't.

What does he do but

run down Miami Beach

pinching girls?

That shouldn't be so expensive.

Probably costs him a lot

to keep in condition...

To keep in condition

just for the running part.

We've got to concentrate.

I can't adopt Corey unless I'm...

Solvent.

Solvent.

So you both have

to make me that way.

We can't make you solvent

if you keep on sending

money to these leeches.

Now, look, there's Stevenson.

He's had the same bad idea

for the same bad play every day

for the last five years.

But he has talent and one day

he might write a great play.

The money keeps him going.

Yes, from bar to bar.

Look, children, this is

a commendable burst of economy,

but it should've started

seven years ago, along with

Tobacco Road and Hellzapoppin'.

I don't see why I'm not solvent.

Because you have more debts

than a college sophomore.

Because of all the money

to these leeches.

Being solvent means

hard cash money in the bank,

not a swell apartment

with a lot of expensive furniture.

And the law says you either

have to be solvent or married.

I just have to get married.

Marry somebody with money

and kill two birds

with one ceremony.

Yes, that's what I'll do.

I'll get married.

May I ask who the prospective

and unsuspecting bridegroom is?

Your leading man?

Oh, no, no.

He wouldn't believe it was strictly

a marriage of convenience.

Oh, I see, it's to be

all business, this marriage?

Certainly.

Ken...

Oh, no, now, Liza, please.

Please. Not me.

Why not? You're handy

and I can manage you.

I know. But look, look...

Liza, I'll do anything for you.

I'll sign notes for you.

I'll defraud managers for you.

I'll even steal babies.

I'll do anything,

but I will not marry you.

If you want to keep that

gurgling item you picked up,

I'll even help you do that.

I'll do anything in the world for you,

but I will not marry you.

Look what you've done.

You've awakened him.

Get out of here.

You're no help anyway. Go.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

Buddy.

Don't you think

his face is flushed?

Get Nanette.

Nanette? Nanette?

Nanette, do you think a pin

is sticking him or something?

Or maybe he's hungry.

Did you give him his 10:00 bottle?

He's got purple things

all over the stomach.

Get the doctor.

The one who hates babies?

Never mind what he hates,

get him.

I had a job with

a party in Flushing.

They had it all over

the stomach too. Typhoid.

No.

No, it's all right.

Buddy!

It isn't typhoid.

You're sure?

Definitely.

Oh, doctor...

But we didn't give him

any strawberries.

It couldn't be that kind of a rash.

What is it?

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