The Lady Is Willing Page #4

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Do you know what material

these are made of?

Crpe de Chine, of course.

You didn't consider

that proletarian substance

known as cotton?

I wanted to give him the best.

Silk is an excellent abrasive

when moist, second only

to sandpaper.

And a baby's skin

is extremely tender.

Oh, Corey, darling,

it's all my fault.

That's Corey?

Nice name, isn't it?

I made it up.

You made it up?

I suggest you get Corey

some ordinary cotton garments.

I'll leave a prescription.

You should have had more

sense to know that,

that silk is an... An...

An abrasive.

You should have known that.

Or don't French babies have...?

What happened to your accent?

I got all excited. I forgot.

Miss Madden, you can't imagine

how hard it is to get a good job

with a responsible party

when you live uptown

in the Bronx.

And with a name

like Myrtle Glosserman.

You won't fire me, will you?

I been here two days

and you liked what I done.

Please don't fire me.

You have to go tomorrow

anyway, you know that.

I won't need you

without the baby.

Where are you sending him?

I'm not sending him anywhere.

They're going to take him,

the baby welfare.

Take him and put him in

some home just because

of some stupid technicality.

Oh, stop gargling like that!

Now, listen here, Gluschkinbecker,

or whatever your real name is,

nobody's mad at you because

you were born in the Bronx.

I used to tell reporters

I was born backstage in

the opera house in Prague.

Well, I was born

in Frankford, Pennsylvania,

in the shop where my father

made harmonicas and

painted cupids on them.

Let's get out of here before

she comes to the part where

her uncle in Schleswig-Holstein

sent her a cuckoo clock.

It played Franck's

"Symphony in D Minor".

Now I suppose we'll have

that Bronx soubrette on

the pension list for the next 50 years.

She struck a responsive chord.

Miss Madden seems to have

quite a few such chords.

Are you English?

No, Nebraska, why?

You keep understating everything.

What is this about the welfare

taking the baby in the morning?

Well, that's not her baby.

I suspected that when

she called Corey "Johanna".

Whose baby is it?

Well, she kidnapped it.

Kidnapped it?

Well, practically.

She found it, she wants to keep

it, and they won't let her,

that's all.

Well, I don't see what's

so criminal about that.

Lots of women want babies

and get them too.

But they usually go about it

in a less spectacular fashion.

She never does anything

the simple way.

She's just something

out of the blue.

She's practically all heart. Look.

Just take a look at that.

That baby's the only thing she's

ever really wanted for herself.

Well, that's hardly

a medical problem, is it?

This is just a bland ointment

to clear up the baby's rash.

Can I get you a drink?

Maybe we could both use one.

Three mastoids today plus

this emergency left me

a little ragged around the edges.

Well, then we'll put on

a new edge. Oh!

Well, that's funny.

It was here yesterday.

What was here yesterday?

The bar! Oh, I remember.

Miss Madden had it taken out,

said it was a bad influence

for Corey.

A bad influence for...

Well, that's wonderful.

Shh! He's asleep.

What does he think is so funny?

You.

Sorry. I wasn't laughing at you.

I was laughing at your genuine

but misguided devotion

for that baby.

Taking out the bar, and...

You think I'm crazy, huh?

No, not now.

I was gonna suggest

that you visit a psychiatrist.

A doctor for mental disorders.

Miss Madden, even sane people

sometimes visit psychiatrists.

Where's that prescription?

It's probably no good.

I'll go with you.

No. That's not necessary.

She'll never find a drugstore

open this time of night.

Then she'll build one and open it.

You might've held the elevator for me.

This is ridiculous.

Drugstores have no business

closing this time of night.

Look, the baby'll be

all right till morning.

And I'm sorry if I offended you.

You made fun of me.

But supposing

he was seriously ill.

What would you do then?

I didn't make fun of you.

If he'd been seriously ill,

I'd have taken care of him.

Of course you made fun of me.

All that nonsense you told me

about going to a...

A psychiatrist.

I went to one once.

What for?

I wanted something too once.

Something I couldn't have.

A baby?

No, not a baby. Rabbits.

What on earth for?

I wanted to prove or disprove

a theory of mine about pneumonia.

I had an idea for a cure.

But in order to do it, I'd have

to study the bloodstream

of 17 generations of rabbits.

And 17 generations of rabbits

is 365,422 rabbits.

No wonder you hear

so many jokes about them.

Sometimes I dream about rabbits,

count them instead of sheep.

But you never do

anything about them?

You'd start tonight and have

by morning under forced draft.

I don't see

what's so complicated.

All you'd need to start with

would be two rabbits.

Come again?

Couple of donuts

and a glass of milk.

Miss Madden?

On two.

Surely two rabbits wouldn't be

so hard to get or very expensive.

No. No, but it seems

that every time I got started,

a personal disaster came along

and I had to go back to babies.

There's no money in research,

and people kept telling me

I was crazy to wanna give up

a successful practice for

something there was no money in.

Finally, I sort of believed it myself.

That's why I went to a psychiatrist.

Did he think you were crazy?

No.

Neither do I.

Uh, excuse me, mister.

Excuse me.

Let's go over here.

Doctor McBain...

Doctor McBain, will you marry me?

What?!

I asked you if you would marry me.

This is so sudden...

It's nothing unethical.

You don't even have to speak

to me in the elevator.

It'll be practical and get us

both what we want.

I want my baby.

And the welfare couldn't refuse

if I'm married to a baby doctor.

You want all these thousands

of rabbits, don't you?

Yes, but...

I've already taken the next apartment.

Fill it up with rabbits.

The part I don't need for the nursery.

I couldn't...

Yes, you could.

Just think of me as an angel.

I mean, an angel backing

your rabbit show.

We don't know anything

about each other.

Oh, nonsense.

Everybody knows me.

And you were recommended

by the apartment manager.

Besides, you like rabbits.

Nobody who likes rabbits

could be very vicious.

I'm not. Look, you don't marry people

the same day you examine

their babies.

But you met me yesterday.

Heavens, don't be

so conventional!

Don't you ever

do things on impulse?

Yes, yes, I do.

That's the trouble.

I did once and I got all tangled up.

If you marry me, everything

becomes so simple and logical.

Miss Madden, marriage is

never simple and seldom logical.

It'll improve your standing

when you start practising again.

I always have more confidence

in a doctor with a picture

of his baby on his desk.

I was married in my last play,

I know just how to do it.

Morning would be the best

because then we could have

the baby adopted

and you wouldn't waste any time

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