The Landlord

1

1, 2, 3.

NOW, CHILDREN,

HOW DO WE LIVE?

ELGAR?

[AIRPLANE FLIES OVER]

THANK YOU, HEYWOOD.

AHH.

[HORN HONKS]

IT'S JUST THA I GET THE FEELING

THAT WE'RE ALL--

I MEAN, EVERYBODY--

BLACK, WHITE, YELLOW,

DEMOCRAT, COMMUNIST,

REPUBLICANS,

OLD PEOPLE, YOUNG PEOPLE,

WHATEVER...

ONLY THE FINEST THING

IN MY SHOP, GIRL.

WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL

IS NEXT?

I MAY CLOSE THIS PLACE

WITH THIS CHILD HERE.

WE'RE ALL LIKE

A BUNCH OF ANTS...SEE?

[HORN HONKS]

SEE, THE STRONGEST DRIVE

WE HAVE AS A TRUE LIFE-FORCE

IS TO GAIN TERRITORY.

GOSH,

YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE,

BABY?

AHEM.

IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY

BRAND NEW WAY:

I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING...

I MEAN, ANYTHING

QUITE LIKE THIS BEFORE.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

TO DO I BECAUSE EVERYBODY

WANTS HIS OWN HOME,

AND I'VE NEVER

HAD A PLACE OF MY OWN.

LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM

THAT THE WORLD:

WAS CHANGING:

BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS

IT STARTED UP:

IN THE BIGGER CITIES

THEN IT SPREAD:

TO THE SMALLER TOWNS

THE PEOPLE BEGAN

TO SMILE AT PEOPLE

THAT NEVER EVEN THINK

AND WHEN JEREMIAH

WOKE ME UP:

I WAS READY TO LIVE

THAT DREAM:

IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY

SO LIKE:

HART CRANE THE POET,

WHO'S ALSO A CANCERIAN--

SEE, I'M A CANCERIAN--

AND HOME:

IS VERY IMPORTANT,

BUT WE NEVER SEEM

TO MAKE IT.

SO, UH...

MONEY'S NEVER BEEN

THE PROBLEM.

BOW OUR HEADS TOGETHER

AND SEE WHERE:

WE GO FROM THERE

WE'VE GOT TO FIGH FOR WHAT WE BELIEVE IN

FIGHT UNTIL THE END

IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY

IT'S A BRAND NEW WAY

BRAND NEW WAY:

BRAND NEW DAY:

BRAND NEW WAY:

SO, SH*T,

I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE.

ACTUALLY,

IT'S A TENEMENT HOUSE.

IT'S IN THIS GHETTO AREA.

WHEN ENEMIES ARE SHATTERED,

DON'T INVESTIGATE

HOW CAN YOU:

BE SURPRISED?

WITH THE IMAGE:

OF OUR FALLEN KING

REFLECTED IN OUR EYES

NO, THIS IS NO TIME

FOR SHOUTIN' NOW

YOU'RE GONNA HUR MY FAITH HERE

BUT THE RAYS OF LIGH WON'T HIDE FOREVER

WHEN THE SUN:

COMES SHININ' THROUGH

ON A BRAND NEW DAY

IT'S A BRAND NEW WAY

OH, IT'S

A BRAND NEW DAY:

I JUST WANT TO GET ALL

THE GODDAMN TENANTS OU AND RIP IT OUT.

IT'S AN OLD HOUSE.

LOTS OF MOLDING.

IT'S A BRAND NEW WAY

A BRAND NEW DAY:

UH-HUH

BRAND NEW DAY:

YEAH,

A BRAND NEW DAY:

YEAH,

I WONDER IF YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

YOU BETTER CHECK

YOURSELF:

GET IT TOGETHER NOW...

I WANT TO RIP OU ALL THE FLOORS

ALL THE WAY:

UP TO THE SKYLIGHT, SEE,

AND THEN RECESS THE FLOORS

SO YOU HAVE BALCONIES,

AND THEN HANG:

THIS BIG GODDAMN MODERN,

SPECTACULAR, PSYCHEDELIC,

SON-OF-A-BITCHIN' LIGH FROM THE CEILING.

IS THAT BEAUTIFUL?

BON TON HEIGHTS:

WILL START A TREND

IN URBAN RENEWAL,

MR. ENDERS.

RESTORED LANDMARKS

WILL BE THE LATES SCREAM, I'M SURE.

I HOPE YOUR SEEING

MR. FARCUS' PLACE

GOING SO WELL:

WILL INSPIRE YOU

TO FEEL ROSY ABOU YOUR NEW PLACE.

MY, MY. SHOPPING

WITHOUT STOPPING.

OH, MR. FARCUS.

ENID.

STREET MUSIC.

ISN'T IT MARVELOUS?

THIS IS MR. ENDERS.

HE'S YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR.

UH, I'M ELGAR ENDERS.

I'M YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR.

HE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE

IN THE NEXT BLOCK.

YOUR HOUSE:

IS JUST GREAT.

IT'S JUST FANTASTIC.

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD'S

GOING TO BE VERY CHIC.

LET'S HOPE THIS INFLUX

OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

IS THE BEGINNING

OF AN INCLINATION, HUH?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?

EVICTION POWDER.

EVICTION POWDER?

WHAT'S EVICTION POWDER?

OH, IT'S NOTHING,

MR. ENDERS.

JUST A LITTLE VOODOO.

HA HA HA!

ONLY $25, MAN!

YOU'RE LYING!

YOU'RE LYING,

MAN!

I WOKE UP:

ONE MORNING, MAN,

I THOUGHT I WAS:

IN THE WRONG HOUSE.

HA HA HA!

HE WAS CAUSING TROUBLE

THE NIGHT BEFORE.

HERE COMES:

THE WHITE TORNADO.

HEY, MAN!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

YOU GOT TWO LITTLE

PEDALS DOWN THERE.

ONE'S A BRAKE.

THAT THING YOU GO YOUR HAND ON,

THAT'S

A GEAR SHIFT LEVER.

OH! NO GOOD.

NO GOOD, MY MAN.

TURN OFF THE CAR, MAN.

GET OUT THE CAR.

UH-OH!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE

TO WATCH OUT FOR THIS.

WHAT IS THIS:

WE HAVE HERE?

OH...

COME CLOSER.

HEH HEH HEH!

I'M ELGAR ENDERS,

THE NEW LANDLORD.

YOU THE NEW:

LANDLORD?

HE THE NEW LANDLORD, MAN.

THE NEW LANDLORD, MAN.

YOU DON' SHAKE MY HAND?

I JUST WANT TO...

I'LL PUT YOUR FLOWER

IN THE HOUSE.

I'LL TAKE YOUR FLOWER

IN THE HOUSE FOR YOU.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR FLOWER

IN THE HOUSE FOR YOU.

PUT IT DOWN:

RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

OH!

LOOK AT THIS TIE!

WHOO!

D'ARTAGNAN'S

GONNA STRIKE AGAIN!

AAH!

DID YOU SEE THAT CA MOVE OUT, MAN?

[WHISTLE]

HEY, KIDS,

HERE'S YOUR BIG CHANCE

TO PICK UP:

THAT SPECIALLY PRICED

10--THAT'S RIGHT--

10-RECORD SE OF 200 CURREN UNDERGROUND HITS,

AS PLAYED BY THE EXCITING,

DYNAMIC CLYDE DAVIS BAND.

THAT'S RIGHT.

200 HITS FOR JUST $1.75,

INCREDIBLE AS IT SOUNDS,

WHILE THIS OFFER LASTS.

JUST SEND CHECK:

OR MONEY ORDER:

TO "DAVIS HITS, BOX 5152,

BATTLE CREEK, MICHIGAN."

GROOVY!

WHO ARE YOU?

WALTER GEE COPEE.

MY NAME'S WALTER GEE.

YOU THE NEW LANDLORD?

YEAH.

GIVE ME $2.00.

WHAT?

I SAID YOU OUGHTA

GIVE ME $2.00.

WHAT THE HELL FOR?

IF YOU LET ME:

HOLD $2.00,

I'LL LET YOU

TAKE ME HOME.

IF NOT,

I'LL CALL THE PIGS.

YOU WILL, HUH?

GIMME, SPORT!

HELP!

ALL RIGHT!

SHUT UP NOW!

CIGARETTE, POPS?

[RADIO PLAYING

FUNK MUSIC]

DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW

YOU SMOKE?

NO.

[TURNS UP VOLUME]

HOME, LANDLORD.

BYE, LANDLORD!

[CLUNK]

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,

HONKY!

WHO'S THAT?

NOW TURN AROUND:

AND MARCH YOUR BUNS OU BEFORE I SHOOT 'EM OU FROM UNDER YOU.

WHY ARE YOU:

POINTING THAT AT ME?

'CAUSE MY HOROSCOPE

TOLD ME THAT EVIL

WAS COMING TODAY,

AND, MARGE,

HERE IT IS.

GET MOVIN'

OR ELSE YOU'LL HAVE

NO HIPS TO LEAN ON.

I OWN THIS HOUSE.

I'M THE NEW LANDLORD.

AND I'M A WREN TIT.

MOVE IT!

IF YOU'RE A LANDLORD,

HOW COME YOU AIN'T GO NO DOOR KEYS?

I HAVE DOOR KEYS.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE

A RAPIST TO ME.

YOU GOT FUNNY EYES.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

IF YOU'RE FIGURING ON

CARRYING OU A SEXUAL ATTACK ON ME,

YOU BETTER LEARN

THE KARATE BOOGALOO

'CAUSE WE GONNA TANGLE ASS

RIGHT HERE IN THIS HALL.

I AM THE NEW LANDLORD,

AND YOU'RE

DISREGARDING YOUR LEASE

BY PRACTICING WHATEVER

YOU'RE PRACTICING HERE

WITH THESE READINGS.

I'LL HAVE YOU

THROWN OUT.

IF YOU WANT TO SHOOT,

GO AHEAD AND SHOOT.

THAT'LL BE RUNNING

AN ILLEGAL BUSINESS,

NONPAYMENT OF RENT,

AND MANSLAUGHTER.

LITTLE THING LIKE YOU,

A LANDLORD?

YEAH. LET'S SEE HOW MUCH

BACK RENT YOU OWE,

ALL RIGHT?

IS THAT YOU:

RIGHT THERE?

HUH?

TWO MONTHS BACK REN YOU OWE ME.

ALL HERE:

IN THIS BOOK.

YOU LOOK LIKE:

YOU COULD USE SOME FOOD.

COME ON, LANDLORD.

LET'S EAT.

[HUMMING]

OLD DUBOISE UPSTAIRS,

ALWAYS UP IN MY FACE,

TALKING ABOUT BEING

SOME COLLEGE PRESIDENT.

COLLEGE PRESIDENT?

WOULDN'T SWEEP THE HALL

IF HIS LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

COLLEGE PRESIDENT.

SURE. SOME COLLEGE

ACROSS TOWN.

I NEVER HEARD:

OF NO COLLEGE:

SELLING DEGREES:

FOR $50.

THEN THERE'S

THE UNEARTHLY:

CUMBERSONS.

UNEARTHLY?

YEAH.

THEY'VE BEEN HERE

ABOUT 25 YEARS.

AIN'T NOBODY SEEN THEM

BUT TWICE.

HOW'S THA FOR BEING OMINOUS?

UH, THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

IT WOULD BE:

IF THEY WERE ALIVE.

ALIVE?

OH, THEY IS.

I HEAR 'EM

ROLLIN' AROUND

DOWNSTAIRS.

LISTEN, YOU SHOULD'VE

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