The Last Five Years Page #4

That's the San Remo?

Isn't that the museum?

Can we go see the dinosaurs?

Thank you.

Are you kidding me?

Everyone tells you that

the minute you get married

Every other woman in the world

suddenly finds you attractive

Well, that's not true

It only affects the kind of women

you always wanted to sleep with

But they wouldn't give you

the time of day before

And now they're banging down your door,

and falling to their knees

At least that's what it feels like

because you can not touch them!

In fact, you can't even look at them

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

Except you're sitting there

eating your corned beef sandwich

And all of a sudden,

this pair of breasts walks by

And smiles at you and you're like,

"That's not fair"

And in a perfect world

A miracle would happen

And every other girl would fly away

And it'd be me and Cathy

and nothing else would matter

But it's fine, it's fine,

it's fine, I mean, I'm happy

And I'm fine, I'm fine

I'm fine, it's not a problem

It's just a challenge

it's a challenge to resist

Temptation

And I have to say that

what exacerbates the problem

Is I'm at these parties

I'm the center of attention

I'm the grand fromage

And here she comes

"Let's get a cup of coffee

Will you look at my manuscript?"

And I'm showing her my left hand,

I'm gesticulating with my left hand

And then, whoa! There's Cathy!

Because she knows, they always know

And there's that really awkward moment

Where I try to show

I wasn't encouraging this

Which of course I was

And I don't want to look whipped

in front of this woman

Which is dumb, I shouldn't care what

she thinks since I can't touch her anyway!

And in a perfect world,

a miracle would happen

And every girl would look like Mister Ed

And it'd be me and Cathy

and nothing else would matter

But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine

You know I love her

And it's fine, it's fine, it's fine

it's what I wanted

And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine

it's not a problem

It's just a challenge

It's a challenge to resist

Temptation

Hi, Mr. Wellerstein.

I'll let Alise know you're here.

When you come home to me

I'll wear a sweeter smile

And hope that, for a while, you'll stay

When you come home to me

Your hand will touch my face

And banish any trace of gray

Soon, a love will rise anew

Even greater than the joy I felt

Just missing you

And once again, I'll be

So proud to call you mine

When finally you come home

To me

- That was lovely.

- Really great.

- Thank you.

- Thank you. OK.

No, it went really, really well. Yeah.

No, I think I got it.

I mean, I hope. Yeah.

It's off Broadway, so...

Please, God, no more Ohio.

Um, I don't where I'm walking, actually.

You have to come find me.

I'll be there soon, Cathy

I'll finish up this chapter

and be out the door

I swear I'll be there soon, Cathy

Don't give up on me yet

I am so proud of you, baby

You're doing what you

never got to do before

And I will be there ripe and crawling

If frigging Random House stops calling

Don't lose faith

Don't get down

Don't despair

I'll be there

And in a perfect world

A miracle would happen

And that day would finally be here

And it'd be me and you

Riding it together

And the things we do

going like we planned

We're gonna make it through

And nothing else will matter

We'll be fine

We're fine

We're fine

We're fine

We're fine

We're fine, we're fine

I'll be there soon, Cathy

I swear I will

When you come home to me

I'll wear a sweeter smile

And hope that for a while you'll...

OK. Thank you.

I'm climbing uphill, Jamie

Climbing uphill

I'm up every morning at six

And standing in line with 200 girls

Who are younger and thinner than me

Who have already been to the gym

I'm waiting five hours in line

And watching the girls

just coming and going

In dresses that look just like this

Cathy Hiatt.

Until my number is finally called

When I walk in the room,

there's a table of men

Always men, usually gay

Who've been sitting like I have

and listening all day

To 200 girls belting as high as they can

I am a good person

I'm an attractive person

I am a talented person

Grant me grace

When you come home

I should have told them

I was sick last week

They're gonna think

this is the way I sing

Why is the pianist playing so loud?

Should I sing louder? I'll sing louder

Maybe I should stop and start over

I'm gonna stop and start over

Why is the director staring

at his crotch?

Why is that man staring at my resume?

Don't stare at my resume

I made up half of my resume

Look at me

Stop looking at that

Look at me

No, not at my shoes

Don't look at my shoes

I hate these stupid shoes

Why did I pick these shoes

Why did I pick this song?

Why did I pick this career?

Why?

Does this pianist hate me?

If I don't get a callback

I can go to Crate and Barrel

with mom and buy a couch

Not that I want to spend a day with mom

But Jamie needs space to write

Since I'm obviously such a horrible

Annoying distraction to him

What's he gonna

be like when we have kids?

And once again

Why am I working so hard?

These are the people who cast

Russell Crowe in a musical

Jesus Christ, I suck

I suck, I suck

When finally you come home...

Thanks. That's great.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

"He touched the wall

and decided he had had enough.

He was exhausted, first of all,

and he could feel it:

his lungs were throbbing and heavy,

and his left arm was stinging

from the shoulder right down to his wrist.

Besides that, seven laps in

and the water was still freezing cold,

and if he wanted to be honest

about it, he felt foolish.

A ghost-pale graceless thing

flapping about frantically,

desperately trying to keep pace

with the mermaid in the next lane.

He watched her.

He watched her back stretching,

watched how she seemed

to ride the water.

He didn't recognize the

fierceness in her brow... "

I will not be the girl stuck

at home in the 'burbs

With the baby, the dog

and a garden of herbs

I will not be the girl

in the sensible shoes

Pushing burgers and beer nuts

and missing the clues

I will not be the girl

who gets asked how it feels

To be trotting along

at the genius's heels

I will not be the girl

who requires a man to get by

And I

"He recognized her... 'I see you. '

Her clenched jaw,

her sharp turns away from him.

'You don't have to let me win,'

she had been screaming,

but he couldn't hear it at all. "

- Ouch.

- I'm so proud of you!

Beautiful. From Random House, David.

- Oh, David.

- And Kathryn Marrow.

And this is his agent, Mrs. Whitfield.

Hello. A pleasure to meet you.

Hello, hello. A pleasure to meet you.

Wasn't he wonderful?

And I've been to every one of them.

I've been to so many.

And the same thing happens, I'm basically

your waitress for the evening,

I'm bringing you drinks.

I get asked if I'm your publicist,

because everybody asks me

to take pictures of you on their phone,

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