The Last Horror Movie

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A breakout

at a maximum security...

correctional facility

in Illinois...

is this hour's

top news story.

Convicted serial killer

Harold Trattner...

is believed

to be amongst a group...

of 3

death row inmates...

who overpowered guards

whilst on transit...

from a holding cell

in Angola this morning.

Sheriff John Loomis

has issued a warning...

to area residents...

advising them not

to approach the prisoners...

under any circumstance.

Harold Trattner received

the death penalty 3 years ago...

for the massacre

of 6 teenagers...

during a summer camp vacation

in Vermont.

Deputies in Houston

issued an apology today...

to the British holidaymaker

they arrested last week...

in Miami.

70-year-old Derek Lambros...

Police

in Grand Rapids, Michigan...

have been unable to identify

the bodies of young man...

and woman discovered by children

in a Halloween costume store...

with their features carved away

and the man's genitals removed.

Police first identified

the victims as 2 women.

Sheriff John Schrader

refused to give details...

of the ghoulish case...

and said only that

he did have strong evidence...

linking the crime...

to this morning's

prison breakout...

in neighboring Illinois.

Hello?

Michael, are you ok?

You shouldn't

be watching that by yourself.

I told you it was scary.

Well, you just have to wait

till Mom comes home, ok?

Keep the lights on.

Ok, bye.

Hello?

Hello?

Kelly?

Cut it out, Kell.

This isn't funny.

Hello.

I realize this isn't

what you were expecting.

Let me explain.

The film you hired

from the video store...

I recorded over it.

But don't go switching off.

You didn't actually

miss very much.

The characterization

was 2-dimensional...

and, well, the dialogue

was, frankly, embarrassing.

I think you will find this

much more interesting.

You're interested now,

aren't you?

Go on, admit it.

Well, you hired a horror movie,

didn't you?

So, you wanted to see

something scary, right?

Don't worry.

I'll explain.

You'll understand everything,

I promise.

This is where

I did my first.

It's actually

quite a strange story...

how it happened.

It was, what,

about 5 years ago now.

I was walking across

Hammersmith Bridge...

when this guy in front of me

suddenly jumped off.

Well, I jumped in after him

and pulled him out.

Yeah.

Anyway, we sort of

became friends after that.

But it wasn't a particularly

healthy kind of friendship.

See, he'd had

a pretty unhappy life.

I'm not gonna go

into the details.

And I don't think he was

too pleased to still be alive.

But he sort of felt

he had to be grateful...

and I thought

I ought to be his friend...

even though he was

pretty depressing company...

to be perfectly honest.

It was about 6 months later...

and we were standing together

on this roof.

He dragged me up here to share

a few insights about the world.

And I was standing behind him...

wishing I'd never heard

of Hammersmith Bridge...

when I just thought...

well, A...

maybe I'd made a mistake by

pulling him out of the river...

Because all he ever talked about

was how miserable he was;

And B,

since I'd saved his life...

I sort of had

a few rights over it.

So, I walked right up to him

and pushed him over.

Do you just want to get a shot

pointing down over the edge?

Course,

they all thought it was suicide.

Anyway,

that's how I got started.

I'd say I do about 8,

maybe 10 people a year.

Men, women.

I don't really care.

The first couple of months

I went kind of mental.

I think I did

about 20.

But after that

I calmed down a bit.

Still, I wouldn't want you

to think that's all I do.

I'd probably be pretty boring

if it was.

I, Derrick Steven Morris.,,

I, Derrick Steven Morris...

take you,

Emily Jane Murphy...

take you,

Emily Jane Murphy...

to be my wife...

to be my wife...

to have and to hold...

to have and to hold...

One, 2, 3!

It's actually a nice way

to earn a living.

Free food, free booze.

I mean, it's not like

you're a waiter...

and it's the best place

in the world to meet women.

Look at them.

Nothing makes a single woman

feel less loved...

than watching

someone else get married.

I've had some pretty good times

at other people's weddings...

- I can tell you.

- Oi!

Do you want to start

filming us?

What do you think

I'm paying you for?

Sure, I'm sorry.

Who's he?

He's my assistant.

As long as I'm

not paying him, too.

Ok, what I'm

gonna show you now...

is the first time

I filmed myself doing someone.

To be honest,

I made a bit of a mess of it.

I'll just warn you

about that in advance.

Still, you can't just

show the triumphs, can you?

I mean, I'm not pretending

I had this down pat...

right from the start.

You have to work

at these things.

Ok, take 1.

This is Tim.

Say hello, Tim.

Tell them

what you do, Tim.

Tim is suffering from a bit

of stage fright just now.

He's an assistant manager

at a High Street retailer...

of consumer durables.

I'm not gonna say

which ones.

They don't pay me

for advertising.

He was getting along

nicely.

Weren't you?

No, no.

No, please.

It's not your lucky day,

is it?

No!

Well, like I said...

it was the first time

I filmed one.

Of course, I'd probably be right

in thinking you don't approve.

Me evil, you good, yeah?

That's fine.

I can take criticism.

I'm not sure

what you mean by evil, though.

Or maybe you think

it isn't my fault.

Maybe I watched

too many violent films...

when I was a child.

That one always

makes me laugh.

As if there weren't

people like me...

before films

were even invented.

And what about

everybody who saw...

"The Texas Chainsaw

Massacre"...

and didn't go out

and buy meat hooks?

No, take it

from someone who knows.

It ain't

the movies.

And I'm pretty sure

I'm not mad, either.

Usual, Max?

Oh, thank you, Joe,

that would be splendid.

Do have one

yourself.

Is he making

a film?

As a matter of fact,

I am making a film.

What's it about?

It's about life,

really.

And death.

Life sucks.

Death's not much better,

either.

Would you like

to do an interview with us?

So, your name is?

Bill.

Bill what?

Mullins.

So, it's 3:
00,

and you're shitfaced.

Yeah.

Regular occurrence?

When I've got

the money.

So, life didn't work out.

No.

Do you consider yourself

one of life's casualties?

What?

Well, what if I said

I could end all your troubles?

Now.

How?

With this.

Well, if I shot you

in the head, for example...

that would be an end

to all your suffering.

Is this

for the film?

All I'm asking

is why go on living?

Well...

You said it

yourself.

Life sucks.

So, why stay alive?

Look, I don't want

any trouble.

Who said anything

about trouble?

I'm just asking you

a question.

In fact,

I'm offering you a service.

It's just something

I'm trying to understand.

Why cling on to something

that makes you miserable?

You think

I killed him.

I didn't kill him.

It was only

a replica gun, anyway.

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