The Last House on the Left Page #2

Maple Walnut, Tutti-Frutti--

-Nuts!

-Nuts for the nut.

Big goon, put me down!

l hate you!

Let me up.

Forget it! You've got the cream

of American manhood here.

The cream of American manhood.

That's good, Krug!

Shut up! And get away from my woman.

Your woman?

l thought she was our woman.

Just a minute! Buzz off!

l'm not neither of yours woman.

l am my own frigging woman!

-She's right, Krug.

-You shut up!

What have you been doing?

Reading them creep women lib magazines

while l was up in the jug?

Maybe.

Why don't you just lay back

and enjoy being inferior?

Zing off! You male chauvinist dog!

Pig, Sadie.

-What?

-Male chauvinist pig.

Okay, you male chauvinist pig!

-She's right.

-You shut up!

l ain't putting out any more until l get

a couple more chicks around here.

-Couple of more chicks?

-Yeah. Equal representation.

-What, are you crazy?

-She's right.

Get out of here!

God! This neighborhood's awful.

lt's so dirty. My mother was right.

lt's not awful, it's just funky. That's all.

Dirt all over.

Keep your eyes open

for someone who might be dealing.

-Want me to ask him?

-Go ahead.

Hey, man.

You don't know where we could score

on some good grass, do you?

-l don't know that stuff.

-Thanks.

-Bummer.

-Come on.

Oh, man! Lady! Come on back here.

Let's get together.

Yeah?

l do happen to have in my possession...

...an extra ounce of good stuff.

-What kind?

-Colombian.

Colombian? Far out!

-How much?

-$20.

$20, and it's Colombian?

l need the money, but if that's too high--

No! That's great. We'll take it.

How do we get it?

-This is my roommate, Sam.

-Hiya, girls!

This is my sister, Martha.

These girls want to buy some grass.

Come on in.

-Gotcha!

-Sh*t!

Stick around a while. How about a bite?

l'd like a little something to eat.

Nice going, junkie. Here's your yum-yums.

So much for him.

l don't want you girls to worry.

l mean, we just wanted some company.

That's all, you know.

lt wasn't that expensive at all.

Looks good.

-This room belongs in a magazine.

-Not bad, if l do say so.

l feel like a bridegroom. l'm hearing bells.

l have a cake in the oven. Come on.

A cake?

You wanted some grass?

What do you want with some grass?

You guys ain't cows, is ya?

Little cows looking for some grass?

Let me hear you moo. Come on.

But they got those

cute little udders on them.

You guys let us the hell out of here,

or l'm going to start screaming!

You're gonna scream?

Listen.

Let me give you a little bit of free advice...

...if you make one peep....

Cockeyed as hell.

l should have bought one at the bakery.

They have such pretty ones there.

Nonsense. lt's truly remarkable.

Come on in the living room.

l want to attack you.

Listen. Why don't you guys let us go?

We know you were just kidding around.

We'll split, and we won't say

anything to anybody. l swear.

You must think we're pretty stupid.

No.

We ain't stupid.

We might be...

...horny old pigs...

...but we ain't stupid.

-Get your hands away.

-Come on. l had her first. Please.

l said get your hands away, b*tch!

Chicken breast.

Phyllis!

Do that again, and you're dead.

Easy, Weasel.

We don't want to off somebody

the first night out.

Be a shame to get this floor

all messed up with blood.

Be so messy.

There are other ways to do things.

No!

Stop it.

Castle's ready. Here's to the princess.

To the princess!

To her queen.

Come on!

Okay, sweetheart,

l'll put you right on top of your friend.

-Take it easy, you could hurt 'em.

-They're okay.

Okay, the both of you settle down,

you got a long ride ahead.

l'm outta here.

Yes.

-It's pretty common, you know?

-Yes, l understand.

-Sure she hasn't called?

-No, she hasn't.

-Sorry I couldn't have been of more help.

-Thank you very much. You're very kind.

Goodbye.

Nothing?

The theater manager said the concert

was over at 2:
00 this morning.

lt's dawn now.

We'll wait an hour,

then we'll call the police.

Come on! Things are not that bad.

At least we have our phone again.

She's all right. Staying out all night.

lt's classic.

lt's a kid's way of saying she's grown up.

lt's that damned Phyllis Stone's fault.

Don't! She'll come home.

Let her have her fling.

Taking them girls, that's the kind of crime

people never forgive you for.

Sex crime.

Shut up! You're disturbing my rhythm.

How did we get into

this sex crime business, anyway?

My brother Sol, the plumber,

he makes twice as much money as me...

...and gets three weeks vacation, too.

Shut up, shithead!

You think the cops is closing in on us?

l just got this feeling

at the back of my neck.

Maybe you got crabs.

l wonder what the meanest, foulest,

rottenest, raunchiest sex crime ever was.

Sadie! What do you think

the sex crime of the century was?

Sh*t!

l'm serious!

l ought to kill you.

How 'bout the Boston Strangler?

l always admired him.

-Bush league!

-l've got it!

-You sure?

-Yeah! Frood!

-Frood?

-Sigmund Frood!

Do you remember when a telephone pole

was just a telephone pole?

-Yeah.

-Not anymore, sweetheart.

lt's a giant puh-hay-lis.

Puh-hay-lis?

l can't even look at the Grand Canyon

anymore without crossing my legs.

That's bullshit.

This icing is delicious.

You must get a lot of hysterical parents

calling you now, Sheriff?

-lt's not that unusual, Mrs. Collingwood.

-Oh?

We've gotten lots of calls like this

in the past few years.

Kids running off to the big city

for a few days.

Our chances are that Mari will be back

before supper.

Still, it's wise of you to call us.

At least all our phones are working.

That's just great!

We're a million miles from nowhere, too!

King car of the road!

-All right, what's the matter?

-lt stopped!

l think l've found the trouble.

This thing pulled out,

and it's all covered with oil.

Christ, didn't they teach you nothing

in reform school?

Take it easy on him, he's just a kid.

l know, but when l was his age,

l could fix any car in two seconds.

Hey, Krug. Where the hell are we?

l just have the strangest feeling

we should be doing something more.

Now, hold on.

My deputy Harry,

he's down there in the radio car.

He's calling New York right now.

And if we hear anything....

Here he is right now.

What did you hear?

New York police don't have

anybody of her description...

...in jail or on ice.

lt's their term.

Guy in the morgue says

he hasn't had a kid on ice all day.

First time in five years.

ls that the last of the cake?

There's a tool kit in the trunk.

l want you to start this goddamn car.

B*tch! She bit me!

This ain't getting us out of the state.

She bit me! That b*tch bit me!

Weasel, we're gonna have a little fun.

Car's on the blink, Weasel.

-No.

-And while we've got you brats along....

What are you gonna do?

We ain't going to be able to call

a mechanic, go to a gas station, nothing.

We'll get the phone in service

so we can get a call from her.

lt'll be all right.

Kids get ants in their pants sometimes.

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