The Last Movie Star

---

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome

movie star extraordinaire

Vic Edwards!

[audience cheering and applauding]

I think people are always fascinated

about how... how people

get into movies.

I gather your first screen test

was a fair-sized experience.

Yeah, it was. My, uh...

My screen test was, uh...

sad and funny. I hope it's funny.

I went into 20th Century Fox

on an interview.

First guy said,

"You have a very good face,"

and he said, "We'd like to do

a screen test of you."

Then I thought,

"Man, I'm gonna be a star."

- [audience laughs]

- So on the day of the screen test,

I'm gonna get a haircut.

So I duck into this barbershop

at 7:
00 in the morning

and I say to the guy, uh...

"Give me a haircut and shave."

I'd never had a shave

in a barbershop before.

And the guy

had never given one before.

[all laughing]

And, uh, he gave me

the worst haircut

you've ever seen in your life.

And then he...

There was cuts all over my face.

And I had pieces of toilet paper

pasted all on my face.

[laughter]

That was my test. And I wondered

why they didn't sign me

for a seven year contract.

That was my introduction

to, uh, the movies.

[audience cheering and applauding]

[dogs barking in distance]

[phone ringing]

[keypad clicking]

[dog whimpers]

Yeah.

- [blows air]

- [door opens]

[receptionist] Squanto.

Squanto Edwards.

[veterinarian] Well, his kidneys

are completely shutting down.

He's not responding

to the diuretics anymore.

And we had to take him off

the ACE inhibitors

for his heart disease

because it's making

his kidney damage worse.

His body is basically poisoning itself.

I mean, he's 15,

so he's not really a candidate

for something more aggressive

like a transplant.

[exhales]

[whines]

What would you do,

if it was your dog?

[veterinarian] I'm afraid

we're out of options.

I'd have to let him go.

Yes.

Well... [clears throat]

Do you mind if I...

say goodbye to him alone?

Yeah, of course. We'll give you

a minute to say goodbye.

[dog whining]

[sighs]

[dogs barking in distance]

[car engine starts]

[grunts]

[groaning]

[clock ticking]

[grunts]

[exhales]

[sighs]

Eh...

[exhales]

Whew...

[sighs]

[exhales]

[mild music playing on speakers]

[rattles]

[rattling]

[man on PA, indistinct]

[grunts] Mmm.

[woman on PA, indistinct]

[man, on PA] Customer service

at the deli, please.

Customer service at the deli.

[announcer]

late in the fourth quarter.

They've had a lot of success

with the shotgun formation, Brian.

[commentator] Sure have.

It took a while to get near him.

Thompson is in the backfield.

[announcer]

Shotgun formation. Snap is off.

Toss to the far side. He's got room.

In for the touchdown!

- Nice view, huh?

- Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

I always loved yoga.

Oh, yeah. Thinking I'm having,

uh, palpitations.

[man] Mmm.

- [exhales]

- Say, Vic, did you hear

that JJerry Renner died yesterday?

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, he was a nice guy.

No, he wasn't.

He was a putz.

[laughing]

[both laugh]

Oh, here.

Forgot to show you this.

This was sent to me.

What do you think?

I don't know

how they got my address,

but they sent it to me.

This is the International

Nashville Film Festival.

You're being honored.

"This year is being dedicated

to honoring you

and your impressive body of work.

It's about time."

- [Vic] Ah, so what?

- "We would like to invite you

to join us for a retrospective

of some of your greatest films

followed by a gala ceremony

where you'll be presented

with our prestigious

Lifetime Achievement Award."

Look who the previous winners are:

Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson,

and Clint Eastwood.

And it says here

all expenses are paid.

That's a country music town,

that's not a film town.

No, no, no, no.

Nashville has become very hip.

Very hip.

Well, that's what I'm worried about.

My hip.

Sitting on an airplane

for too long a time,

what if I get a clot in my butt?

Look, I've heard of this film festival

and I know

this is a prestigious award.

I don't think you'll get a clot

in your butt.

[both laugh]

Look, I'm just saying if you don't go,

you're a bigger a**hole

than I ever thought.

Oh, well, I guess you would know.

You've made

such great career moves.

[both laughing]

[groaning]

[clatters]

Nice. Schmuck.

[chuckles softly]

[jet engines whirring]

[groans]

[woman on PA, indistinct]

Good morning!

And where are we off to today?

- Nashville.

- Nashville, huh?

That's a great live music town.

You gonna kick those heels up

a little bit?

Well, a very little bit. There you go.

- Thank you, Mr. Edwards.

- Mm-hmm.

There you are. Okay.

I'm gonna have to ask you

to get in this line over here

'cause this one

is for first class passengers only.

Holy cow. But I am first class.

[chime to buckle seatbelts]

[country music playing]

[singing]

[indistinct chattering]

[engine rumbling]

[tires screeching]

Yeah? Then why the hell

are there pictures of you two

hugging and laughing

all over her Facebook page?

Oh, bullshit!

Don't tell me I'm being irrational.

You told me you were going there

with Andrew and you lied.

It's just a simple fact.

If you're just friends, then why lie?

Oh, you're so full of sh*t.

You must think I'm the biggest

idiot on the planet.

Look, I can't talk about this

right now. I'm working.

I do, too, have a job.

I'm picking up some old a**hole

for my brother.

I don't know who it is.

I mean, what, do you think

I Googled him or some sh*t?

- Oh, what?

- Hi. I'm Vic Edwards.

- Oh, Mr. Edwards.

- Yeah. Yeah.

I... I have to call you back.

- Hello, Mr. Edwards.

- Hi.

Um, welcome to Nashville.

How was your flight?

Was it delayed? I mean,

I've been waiting here forever.

You've been waiting here

forever my ass.

Now where is my limo?

I don't know anything about a limo.

- Really?

- But I'm Lil McDougal,

your personal assistant

and chauffeur

for the duration of the weekend.

We're off to a great start, aren't we?

[cell phone ringing]

Bjorn, shut up. I'm working.

- Come on!

- Hmm?

Sorry. Sorry. Come on. Let's go.

[tires squealing]

[keypad clicking]

[Lil sighs] All right.

We'll get you checked into the hotel

but there's no time to relax.

Gotta get to the film festival

in time for the opening ceremony

- and you're running late already.

- Whose fault is that?

- [horn blaring]

- [tires screeching]

[breathing heavily]

[tires screeching]

[engine sputtering, knocking]

This is an upgrade?

What's wrong with it?

Look, it's got a kitchen.

This is a kitchen?

Are you familiar with the term

"false advertising"?

Yeah.

Well, I was promised

first class accommodations.

I've got a good mind to have you

take me back to the airport

right now.

It's like I'm on Candid Camera.

Is this really a film festival?

Dude, there's a film festival,

and if you don't like

your accommodations

because they don't measure up

to your big Hollywood expectations,

don't gripe to me.

I'm just your assistant

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