The Last of the Blonde Bombshells Page #5

"On the bonny, bonny banks

of Loch Lomond"

Pardon?

You'll be the gentleman.

And this will be your suitcase.

And you will be chilly, I dare say.

Yes, it's just possible.

Sure.

- This will help.

- Thank you so much. Thank you.

Oh, great dogs.

Patti, Maxine...

...and Laverne.

After The Andrews Sisters.

Um, one of them is a boy.

The lady of the house is most insistent...

...in the matter of names.

Good god. When did you get here?

The overnight sleeper.

Central heating and a roof.

Does this mean I'm forgiven?

Absolutely not. I didn't think you'd come.

But we needed a trumpet player.

And I didn't trust you to deliver one.

I wouldn't trust you to deliver

a bottle of semi-skimmed milk.

Thanks so much.

Have you seen Dinah?

Apparently, the lady of the house

doesn't appear in the hours of daylight.

She's probably bricked up

in the west wing.

As soon as the gentleman

has finished his wee dram...

...l'll show him to his accommodation.

We have prepared two bedrooms.

The lady of the house is of the opinion

you'd require only one.

- How many rooms would you be requiring?

- Two, please.

Would they be adjoining

for personal preference?

They should be separated

by a wide stretch of water...

...for personal preference.

Thank you, McNab.

Ma'am.

Thank you, Dinah.

That was a wonderful meal.

- It's a nice little place you've got here.

- I married well and frequently.

But I know all the dirt on me.

I want to know the dirt on you.

Does this mean you've

completed the set, Patrick?

There's no dirt on us.

We're pure as the driven snow.

I hate snow.

It's so goddamned white.

What you mean, completed the set?

He hasn't told you about

the roses on the drum kit?

No, I've tended to go off flowers recently,

as it happens.

Are you going to tell her or shall I?

Well, actually, I got the idea

from the spitfire pilots during the war.

"Pardon me, boy

Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?

"Track 29

"Boy you can give me a shine

"I can afford

To board the Chattanooga choo-choo

"I got my fare

"And just the travel to spare

"You leave the Pennsylvania station

About a quarter to four

"Read a magazine

And then you're in Baltimore

"Dinner in a diner

Nothing could be finer

"Than to have your ham and eggs

In Carolina

"When you hear the whistle

Blowing into the bar

"Then you know that Tennessee

Is not very far

"Shove a lot of coal in

Got to keep it rollin'

"Chattanooga, there you are"

Yeah, he screwed the lot of us.

I looked upon it

as my contribution to the war effort.

And what about the fight?

Never mind about the adolescent

sex and the fights. What about the music?

What you tell me is that

the Blonde Bombshell reunion band...

...thus far comprises you two...

...a foul-mouthed piano player...

...an alto player out

of the slammer on bail...

...a trombone player in the arms of Jesus...

...a de facto lunatic, two corpses...

...and a singer who won't

show up on the night.

And not forgetting your lovely self.

Do you still play?

Do I still play?

A little story.

My grandson plays trumpet

in his high school band...

...in Boston, Massachusetts.

On a recent visit

to Grandma's magic castle...

...in downtown Brigadoon.

He consulted me.

I gave him a lesson, and guess what?

I can still blow this thing.

I can still part the waters...

...and bring down the walls of the city.

That's seriously brilliant.

Sadly, the lady is an officially

recognized alcoholic.

- Does this often happen?

- Every night.

But she knows she is an alcoholic.

And apparently that's the first step

towards a cure.

- How long has it been going on?

- Since the Second World War.

An unhappy love affair, seemingly.

- Men can be swine.

- So I'm led to believe.

Elizabeth.

What?

I need to ask you something.

Patrick.

Mind if I sit down?

It's been a long day.

And I'm not cold and I'm not frightened.

And there are no bombs falling.

Scotland's not at war.

And I have no intention

of completing your set.

What's it like being a woman?

What?

Well, sit down.

Well, you see, the last weeks

I've relived quite a lot of my past life.

Most of it seems to have

been a bit of a shambles.

Well, that was well spotted.

And I think quite a lot of that

shambles could have been avoided...

...if I'd tried a bit harder

to understand women.

Which is odd since I pretended

to be one for so long.

But...

Well, that doesn't really help.

I mean, women...

Well, you're different, aren't you?

Yes, we have babies and husbands

and washing machines.

I see your family...

...and I see three generations

of women and it's lovely.

Wish I had generations.

Much too late for that.

It's too late for everything.

No, not everything.

But I'm going to bed now.

Why did you marry George?

Patrick, you know what it was like.

When I was a young woman,

your soul purpose in life...

...was to get engaged

to a young man with prospects.

So, I did. I met him at a staff dance.

A dance. What was the band like?

Oh, lousy.

Jimmy Dickenson, and his Rhythm Rascals.

I was a rhythm rascal once.

Now I'm serious and responsible.

And I think I'm in love with you.

No, you're not.

You're just cold and frightened.

- Goodnight, Patrick.

- Goodnight.

Nice doggies.

Stay home and look after the lady.

She's a fine musician,

but she's not very well.

Hey! Where the hell are you guys going?

London, we've got a gig.

And I'm held prisoner here against my will.

Wait, I'm coming down!

God, she's coming with us.

- What should we do, head for the hills?

- These are the hills.

SCHOOL DANCE:

Stage management, up the ladder.

Hi, guys.

Sound check in 10 minutes, okay?

There you go.

Well, this is it, D-Day.

- Are you nervous?

- No, terrified.

Any news on Dinah?

Yes, she's happily ensconced

in the Savoy Hotel.

We saw her at breakfast.

She planned to order a small distillery...

...from room service for later on.

- Oh, god.

I'm in charge of catering

and Leslie's doing decorations.

Hi, Leslie. You're working well.

The decor's gonna be a wow.

Oh, I don't really like wows.

Hey, what manner of place is this?

This is where we're gonna

make sweet music.

Forget it, she's here.

- Evelyn!

- Dinah!

- You're looking good for a jailbird.

- I've been rehabilitated.

Annie!

Dinah, good to see you.

Betty.

Glad you could make it, Dinah.

- The famous roses.

- Oh, him and his bloody roses.

Just for the record, mine is quite definitely

there under false pretenses.

I'd been drinking.

I don't remember very much about it.

Far as I can recall,

it was deeply embarrassing...

...and desperately quick.

It was horrible. I try not to think about it.

I haven't seen you guys since the big fight.

Look. Will somebody tell me

about the big fight?

It was the day we were

gonna play for the Yanks.

You couldn't come.

They wouldn't allow you off school.

Hey, sweet cakes!

I love Americans.

Hey, blondie, over here!

Marry me, I love you!

Girls, calm down.

- Hi, girls.

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