The Last Straight Man

1

[music playing]

[cheering]

Where's the groom?

What's, your name, honey?

Cooper.

AnYbOdY 90'! a quarter?

Yes, somewhere.

I got some quarters

for ya right here.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait, I got more.

- Oh, I got more.

I got--

Yes.

Yes, please.

It's raining!

[cheering]

Explain to me Why

housekeeping isn't doing this?

Because they don't

come until morning.

And I'm not sleeping

in this mess.

It's like a junkyard

in June in here.

Damn, it's hotter than

a-- help me out here.

Satan's armpit.

Uh, aluminum sweater.

Pepper spray douche.

Take your pick.

Uh, yeah.

Any of those will work fine.

Thanks.

You're staying here tonight?

I thought you were

crashing at casa de Cooper.

Well let's see.

A tiny couch with your

family snoring nearby,

or a plush, king size bed?

Not a tough decision.

Besides, it's paid for.

And after planning this

unseeingly exhibition

of bare boobery, I

think I'm entitled.

I bet you are.

And thanks, by the way.

I had a good time.

So tomorrow?

Lewis, I'm really sorry

about the best man thing.

It's OK.

I mean, we've only been

buds since junior high,

and you've known this

guy, what, a week now?

OK.

OK.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

But Belinda asked if her

brother could be best man.

What was his name again?

Tweaky?

Twitchy?

Ted.

I noticed he

got really excited

about the pattern

in the bathroom,

until he realized it was talc.

Still, I think

half of it's gone.

I know, man, but--

And hey, the stripper's

studying to be a therapist.

We could have done

an intervention

while she was picking

the quarter of your nose

with her p*ssy.

Listen, you.

She's trying to integrate

him back into the family.

Using your wedding?

Yes.

Did you even tell her who

you wanted to be best man?

Well--

That's what I thought.

T-minus one day

and counting until

complete vaginal submission.

I promise I will

make it up to you.

How?

Name it.

You better get off me.

I don't know.

You're very comfortable.

If you don't get off

me, I'm going to fart.

And it is not going to be quiet.

And it is not

going to be pretty.

Go ahead.

Serenade me.

It's my last night

as a free man.

It's kind of late.

Can I stay here too?

Uh, don't you want

to be with Belinda?

Not for the wedding.

Bad luck.

Remember?

What, what about your tux?

Ted has it.

He can pick me up

in the morning.

Yeah, if he can get

here without snorting

all the carpet freshener

out of the hallway rugs.

Why didn't you let the

stripper give you a lap dance?

Uh, more beer?

I stopped drinking

beer two hours ago.

Tequila shots.

Oh, hell no.

You can't be drinking

beer like a p*ssy

when I'm slugging tequila.

And how exactly does

a p*ssy drink beer?

Glug, glug, glug, slug-

And you want tequila.

Pour a**hole.

And?

YOu?

Toast rne.

Demanding little sh*t.

Toast me or I'll tell

your mother the stripper

made you bowling ball her

in front of everybody.

Bowling ball?

OK.

OK.

To Cooper.

May your hair never

fall, your dick

always rise, and your kids never

call your brother-in-law daddy.

[laughing]

But seriously, Coop.

Be happy-

And to you, Lewis.

May you get everything

that you want.

Another.

Another.

Cooper, no.

My blood is 90% tequila already.

It's my bachelor party, Lewis.

OK, fine.

But let's just sip these, OK.

I need to slow down.

OK.

Seriously, I'm sorry about

the whole best man thing.

I call three questions.

What's that?

We ask each other

three questions.

No subject is off limits.

Lyin is not-

Lyin?

Lying is not allowed.

What?

What are you doing?

Well, obviously, I've wandered

into a pre-teen slumber party.

You're certainly

dressed for it.

There is one thing I been

wanting to ask you since you

came into town a week ago.

What?

OK.

Question one.

What is the wildest thing that

you have ever done sexually?

Are We really going there?

I'm about to

commit myself to one

woman for the rest of my life.

I need here some hot, sexy

sh*t before I tie a noose

around my dick and hang myself.

You first.

That's against the rules but--

Too many to think of just one?

I got it.

Do you remember in

high school that day

in January when

we got snowed in?

Yeah, yeah.

We all had to sleep

in the gymnasium.

Yeah, we slept on

the Wrestling mats.

Yeah, yeah.

Right, right.

Remember how they

had everybody just

mixed up, girls with the boys?

Everyone was just

scattered around.

Yeah.

OK, so I wake up in

the middle of the night,

and Michelle Berenger is rubbing

my dick through my jeans.

What?

I look around.

Everybody's asleep,

even all the teachers.

So I pull the old redwood

out, and she goes down on me.

Timber!

Holy sh*t.

She was like a anaconda, man,

swallowing a bigger anaconda.

That's ballsy of her.

Yeah.

I swear that her jaw unhinged

right there in the middle

of 200 sleeping students.

Did you ever see her again?

No.

I found out later she was my

third cousin or something.

But that was your second

question, by the way.

So answer mine.

Um, OK.

Remember Tom and

Linda from college?

Mm hm Yeah, sure.

OK.

One night-- oh my god.

I can't believe I'm

telling you this.

One night, uh, I was at

their place for dinner.

And they been

married nine months.

And Linda breaks out the tarot

cards to read my fortune.

And she just says all

the usual bullshit.

You know, I'm gonna be

successful, well liked,

et cetera.

Then she says I'm

going to experience

a big change in my life.

She asked if she can read my

palm to get a better clue.

So she's tracing with

her fingers my lifeline,

my heart line.

Yeah, Whatever.

And then, her hand slides

down past my Wrist, up my arm,

until it's sliding

over my shoulder.

What was Tom doing?

Watching with a

big grin on his face.

And then, we all just

end up on the floor.

What happened?

Did, did you f*** her?

Uh, yeah.

Did he?

We both did.

We both did.

Wha--?

At the same time?

Details now.

OK, well Tom and

I laid on the floor,

and scooted against each other.

Then, he put his legs

over mine and held

our d*cks close together.

And she, she sat on us.

Who poked what?

He went for.

I went aft, if you'll pardon

the [inaudible] terms.

F*** me.

Where was I?

I don't know.

Getting head in the

middle of a flash mob?

Are you bullshitting me?

No.

Cause when we lie, the

relationship is over.

It's all true.

Damn.

That is a whale of a tale.

Shots.

Shots.

Another story.

Something Weirder, wilder.

Uh, uh, you first.

In the form of a

question, please.

What's something else you've

clone that's sexually crazy?

Come on.

The dog licked my balls once.

Does that count?

Ew!

No!

Why did you let the

dog lick your balls?

Well, l didn't let him.

He caught me by surprise.

What were you doing so

the dog could-- never mind.

Come on.

Something else.

I got nothing.

Bullshit.

How do you top a

blowj*b in the middle

of a 200 person sleepover?

Everything else

pales by comparison.

What about something

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